I’m not going to pretend I’m qualified to name this year’s best movies (more qualified than most who make these lists, but still) or that I saw every movie, but people on the internet love lists, and I love money.  I find that the strippers object when you try to stuff post-it notes in their vaginas.  On that note, here are the 10 movies of 2009 that I would stuff in my vagina like a $1,000 dollar bill.  KNIVES OUT!

1. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
I need to see this again to truly understand what I experienced, but if I’m honest, it was probably the most fun I had in a theater this year. (I should’ve gone with Alanis Morissette *frownie*) Was it fun because it was really good, or just really crazy and weird?  I don’t really know.  But isn’t it a little unfair to make that distinction?

2.  The Hurt Locker
Definitely the most well-made movie this year.  It was a simple, straightforward plot, but it was well-acted, perfectly shot, and as tense as waiting for your STD-test results.  It really took you to another place, and that’s what it’s all about, right?  (other than being able to sit on your ass and eat nachos).  Every director should study the way this was storyboarded and edited. Especially Brett Ratner, that guy sucks.

3. Anvil! The Story of Anvil
What can I say, there’s just something about middle-aged men trying to live out their childhood dreams while repeatedly getting kicked in the face that does it for me.  It kept making me teary-eyed without feeling like it was trying really hard to do so (like Up). Damn you, you lovable Canadians.

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The Academy recently released their shortlist of 15 feature documentaries which may compete for the Best Documentary Oscar in February, and out of 15 — FIFTEEN — Anvil! The Story of Anvil didn’t make it.  I’m not going to pretend I saw every movie this year, but I saw a lot, and out of all the movies I saw — not just documentaries — Anvil is easily in the top three.

Out of the 15 they picked, one was Valentino: The Last Emperor, about the fashion designer, which got a 7.2 from IMDB voters and a 78% on Rottentomatoes — compared to Anvil‘s 8.2 and 98%.  Another was… oh Christ, I’m not even going to go through the rest of these. Ninety-eight effing percent!  I don’t know anyone who saw Anvil! who didn’t leave the theater raving about how awesome it was.  How does that not get on the list??  And these aren’t even the nominations! It didn’t even get nominated to be nominated. Sadly, this isn’t the first or probably even the second or third time I’ve said this, but, THIS IS WHY THE OSCAR STATUE HAS NO BALLS.  Please jump in a volcano, you filthy, ox-touching, baby effers. <3 Vince

I’m still very ashamed that I was too lazy to write a review of Anvil: The Story of Anvil, because it’s probably my second favorite movie of 2009 so far behind The Hurt Locker.  And I’m going to put you in a hurt locker if you don’t watch Anvil for free tonight on vh-1. (see what I did there?)  It’s showing at 10 pm ET/PT tonight on vh-1 and vh-1 Classics, and you should definitely watch it.  Not because of the hurt locker thing, I was just kidding about that, I sold my hurt locker years ago, but because it’s seriously an awesome movie and you’ll probably cry.  Because you’re a pussy.  Boy, I’m hungover.

[thanks to StinkyPeet for the tip]

Opening this weekend:

Brüno
Duh.  Of course I’ll be seeing this, not that I expect it to be half as funny as Borat.  Austrian accents just aren’t as funny as Kazakh ones.  Probably because of the whole trying to exterminate the Jews thing.  Anyway, you can also check out Brüno doing the Letterman Top 10 List after the jump, though I must warn you that it isn’t funny at all.  Maybe Paul Shaffer should’ve added more wacky sound effects.  That guy sure is a character.

I Love You Beth Cooper
I’ve never wanted to punch a movie trailer as bad as I do this one.  It’s so unfunny and cloying and pandering and insulting.  Every high school clique comes in threes.  Every bully has henchmen.  Every hot chick is a cheerleader.  Every nerd is a hero, even if he’s ugly and delusional and kind of a dick and the actor playing him is 27.  Every time I watch the trailer I find myself rooting for the bully to catch and beat the crap out of everyone.  Go f-ck yourselves, everyone involved with this smegma-filled yak placenta. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some Cheeto crumbs to suck from my fingers.

STILL IN THEATERS:

Anvil: The Story of Anvil
I DEMAND THAT YOU SEE THIS MOVIE.  There aren’t a lot movies that make you laugh so hard you have to hold back while you stifle tears at the same time.  I hadn’t seen it until this week and I have no idea why I waited so long. I should’ve been there opening weekend.  There aren’t 30 seconds of footage in it that aren’t priceless.  The drummer’s sister is named “Droid.”  80s metal.  Canadian accents.  This is far too little space to tell you everything that was great about it, but I’m pleading with you, see it before it’s gone.

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Watch the trailer for Anvil! the Story of Anvil above and then read that headline, and if your heart didn’t warm just a little bit, stop judging me I’m really emotional this week.

The hard-rocking Canadian group will open for the heavy metal band AC/DC when it performs at Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, Mass. on July 28 and at Giants Stadium in East Rutherford, N.J., on July 31, the bands’ publicists said in a release.  Anvil, founded in Toronto in the 1970s, enjoyed a short-lived American success in the 1980s with albums like “Hard ‘N Heavy” and “Strength of Steel.” The group recently reentered the cultural consciousness with the “Anvil!” documentary, though the movie has also prompted the occasional (mistaken) conclusion that it is an elaborate, Spinal Tap-style hoax. (For example, the movie “This Is Spinal Tap” was directed by Rob Reiner, and the Anvil drummer and co-founder is named Robb Reiner.) [NYTimes]

Going from playing to a couple people to opening for AC/DC at Giants Stadium is a comeback about as amazing as they come (and I know a little something about amazing come).  It just goes to show, a documentary can be a powerful thing.  I wonder if the guy from Grizzly Man would be enjoying this kind of fame if he hadn’t gotten torn apart and eaten by bears.  It almost makes you wish he’d lived.  Almost.