I liked Thor.  Despite a distinct lack of rocket hands and Robert Downey chewing scenery, all things considered, it’s probably a better film than the first Iron Man (which, let’s face it, was a little Entourage-y at times).  And yet, something about it kept me from being much excited to write my review.  In fact, I made this entire Platoon poster with a Hyrax out of boredom before I’d written my first paragraph.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a fun movie.  The acting is solid all the way through (Chris Hemsworth and Tom Hiddleston — Loki — are pleasant discoveries, and neither Anthony Hopkins nor Natalie Portman dishonor their pedigrees). Kenneth Branagh proves his Shakespeare experience surprisingly applicable to a film about a big blonde guy whacking sh*t with a hammer, seamlessly mixing goofy, often slapsticky humor with age-old conflicts between brothers, and fathers and sons, and of course, epic speeches and hubris leading to downfall.  The film begins in Asgard, where three of the evil Ice Giants (couldn’t have thought up a less on-the-nose name, there, guys?) have infiltrated a sacred Asgardian hall through some kind through a secret portal, in order to steal back some magic box full of blue fog that the Asgardians took after defeating them in a long war (the one where Odin lost his eye).  But before the Ice Giants can accomplish much, the Asgardians’ giant chrome Destroyer blows them all to f*ck WITH A BEAM OF HELLFIRE FROM ITS FACE (pretty baller, as security systems go).   When the Asgardians discover what happened, newly-crowned Prince Thor gets pissed, demanding to go to Planet Ice Giant and hammer some frozen dicks in retaliation.  Odin (Hopkins) says no — “The Destroyer did its job, the invaders met their fate, nothing else is required.”

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Looks like Marvel finished some more of the effects on Thor and wanted to show them off in this new trailer.  This time around, Thor fights a shiny metal dude who shoots fire from his face like Gort from The Day the Earth Stood Still (no, I’m not going to look it up), plus a giant demon thingie reminiscent of the butthole monster from Star Trek.  The rest of the time Thor mostly spends being confused and frightened by our human ways.  “Your honor, I’m just a simple Viking God who angered Odin and was sent here through a space tunnel from the land of myth.  I find your Earth realm strange and confusing.  When I get shot with a taser, did little demons climb inside the cable and paralyze my Heaven muscles? My primitive, mythological space brain can’t grasp such concepts.”

All in all, the wildness of the concept and bizarre choice of director and cast makes this probably my most anticipated of the upcoming superhero movies.  That’s why it’s too bad I have to boycott it on account of one of the Viking Gods not being depicted as a pure white Aryan.

Meanwhile, the worst part about the new trailer is that it fails to get across the most important moment, the moment where I TOTALLY SAW THOR IN THE AIRPORT THE OTHER DAY!

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Marvel’s Thor stars Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, and Anthony Hopkins, and was directed by Kenneth “Cap’n Shakespeare” Branagh, so if nothing else, the concept is really weird.  Like the teaser, it opens with Clark Gregg interrogating Thor, trying to find out where he got his training — Afghanistan? Chechnya?  Try VIKING HEAVEN, MOTHERF*CKER.

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Anthony Hopkins stars in this new trailer for The Rite.  If I could say one thing about this trailer, it’s that this certainly looks like a movie.  It has acting, cameras, music… hell, at this rate, it might even play in theaters.  Wouldn’t that be something.

Inspired by true events, “The Rite” follows skeptical seminary student Michael Kovak (Colin O’Donoghue), who reluctantly attends exorcism school at the Vatican. While in Rome, he meets an unorthodox priest, Father Lucas (Anthony Hopkins), who introduces him to the darker side of his faith. Directed by Mikael Hafstroem (“1408″), “The Rite” is a supernatural thriller that uncovers the devil’s reach to even one of the holiest places on Earth. [Apple]

Back when I was an altar boy, we didn’t need exorcists.  If the priest thought you were possessed, you just went with him to the back room and blew the evil into his penis.  He said he could store the demons in there. I think that’s why they made him the priest.

Confession time: I love 8 Mile.  I watch it every damn time it comes on HBO and have half the rap battles memorized (“This guy’s a gangsta? His real name’s Clarence.”).  The only non-actor I can remember who basically played himself as well as Eminem did in 8 Mile was Howard Stern in Private Parts.  Yes, I realize that’s a pretty small list. But dammit, Eminem is coming back to movies, and that makes me happy.  …No, no, that’s okay, I’ll stuff myself in the locker.

Eight years later [after 8 Mile], Eminem is primed to make his return — a sexy return at that. It’s not a highly personal tale, nor an ’8 Mile’ sequel, but rather Fernando Meirelles’ upcoming sex-themed drama, ’360,’ placing him face to face with some of Hollywood’s best talent. Meirelles is the man behind ‘City of God,’ ‘The Constant Gardener’ and ‘Blindness,’ and he’s already tapped both Rachel Weisz and Anthony Hopkins for roles. Now, with the latest report from Production Weekly’s Twitter feed, we’ve got Eminem and Frances McDormand circling. [Moviefone]

City of God might be in my all-time top 10, but I don’t even want to see this movie. I just want visit the set and see B Rabbit and Tony Hops have a rap battle in front of the lunch truck.  And then maybe have France McDormand tell Em he’s a “dope rapper” in her Fargo voice.  …Yes, a boy can dream.  Oh would you look at that, spilled nacho cheese on my shirt.