Back in November, angelic unicorn whisperer Anne Hathaway hosted Saturday Night Live and the result was an episode that wasn’t necessarily terrible. And while I can sit here and break off into a 10,000-word rant about how terrible Jim Carrey’s recent hosting gig was, I won’t, because Vince won’t reach around if I do. What I can tell you is how Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are allegedly boycotting the Academy Awards because of Hathaway’s impression of Holmes from that episode.

Hathaway, who is as pure as a golden retriever’s smile, is hosting the Oscars alongside Filmdrunk favorite James Franco, so this news comes as a blow to the zero people who care about TomKat. As for the sketch and impression in question, for once I actually looked at Anne and thought, “Hey, she’s more than just an amazing rack and oddly pale hotness.” But Cruise and Holmes took the harmless impression as an insult and now they’re calling off their trip to the Oscars because they’re both terrible actors and will never be nominated for crap and would probably be left out of the “In Memoriam” montage at this point in their careers offended.

Jump on my couch, All Headline News…

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Well *now* it's a party

James Franco and Anne Hathaway (NSFW compilation of nude scenes from her latest movie here) have been confirmed as hosts for the 83rd Academy Awards telecast on February 27th, 2011.  To which I say, “Boo, James Franco and Kimiko the Sex Pillow or GTFO.”

“James Franco and Anne Hathaway personify the next generation of Hollywood icons— fresh, exciting and multi-talented. We hope to create an Oscar broadcast that will both showcase their incredible talents and entertain the world on February 27,” said telecast producers Bruce Cohen and Don Mischer in a statement.
Aussie actor Hugh Jackman, the popular host of the 2009 ceremony, turned down an offer to host next year’s show due to scheduling conflicts for the filming of his “X-Men” prequel. [NYPost]

Ouch, Hugh Jackman’s sloppy seconds. I like Franco and Hathaway alright, but come on.  People like to get excited about this stuff, but let’s face it: past Oscars have been hosted by brilliant unscripted comedic minds at the top of their game (Jon Stewart, Dave Letterman) and some of the best comedians of all time (Chris Rock, Steve Martin), and it’s never been all that exciting.  You think a couple decent comedic actors are going to change that?  No.  It’s an impossible job.  Make one Jude Law joke and Sean Penn cries like a little girl.  And what’s comedy without Jude Law jokes?  Nazi Germany, that’s what.  No thanks, Hitler.

It has been announced that FilmDrunk favorite and the hardest working man in Hollywood, Channing Tatum, will star in the American Revolution tale Love and Honor, with Anne Hathaway rumored to play his love interest. Tatum will play Kieran Culkin Selkirk, an American soldier in 1774. Selkirk is sent to Russia by Benjamin Franklin to woo Catherine the Great in order to stop Russia from aiding Britain against the American uprising. As always, my friend C-Tates was more than happy to stop by and lay his mack down.

Yo girl, check it… Four trips to Scores and seven lap dances ago, C-TATES IS IN DA MUTHAF*CKIN’ HIZZOUSE!!! Yo check it, right? C-Tates is all about da Benjamins like Diddy, aight? But naw, like dis time I’m all bowdy bowdy Ben Franken, for realz. Yo girl, I ain’t talkin’ bout the hundred dolla billz in yo G-string. It’s dat boi wit da kite and ‘lectricity, son. And he’s all like, Yo C-Tates, you need to go to Russia all proper and put a hurtin’ and squirtin’ on Cafferine da Great and make her be all like, Yo C-Tates, why you so fine? And then I pop and lock, right? Yo girl, f*ck the British, ya heard? WHAT!

Yo Shockya, I’mma put two in tha pink but I ain’t puttin’ my finger nowhere else, right?

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Remember when your mom was on welfare and your family couldn’t afford real Fruit Loops, so you had to buy those “Fruit Rings” that came in a big trash bag?  According to Forbes, Shia Labeouf is that fruit ring.  He tops the list of actors who offer the biggest box-office returns for their price.  Hiring him is like getting a four-finger discount*.  Here’s the list:

1. Shia LaBeouf – $81
2. Anne Hathaway – $64
3. Daniel Radcliffe – $61
4. Robert Downey Jr. – $33
5. Cate Blanchett – $27
6. Jennifer Aniston – $21
7. Meryl Streep – $21
8. Johnny Depp – $18
9. Nicholas Cage – $17
10. Sarah Jessica Parker – $17

The numbers mean Shia Labeouf brings in $81 for every dollar that he’s paid.  Of course, a lot of his value comes from a movie like Transformers 2, where he could’ve been replaced by an upturned broom with a smiley face drawn on it in crayon and it still would’ve made $300 million.  Don’t ask me why.  I think it’s some kind of retard magic.
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Edward Zwick directed Defiance and Blood Diamond, but his latest, Love and Other Drugs, is a rom-com about what would happen if one night, suave, chauvinist pharmaceutical sales rep Jake Gyllenhaal (“Jamie Reidy”) and cynical free spirit Anne Hathaway (“Maggie Murdock”) got together and, as they say, bling-banged.  Oh, and lest you think I’m the one making this sound cheesy, here’s the official synopsis from Fox:

Maggie (Hathaway) is an alluring free spirit who won’t let anyone – or anything – tie her down. But she meets her match in Jamie (Gyllenhaal), whose relentless and nearly infallible charm serve him well with the ladies and in the cutthroat world of pharmaceutical sales. Maggie and Jamie’s evolving relationship takes them both by surprise, as they find themselves under the influence of the ultimate drug: love.

Is one of the side effects dismissive wanking?  If I’m still doing this in four hours, call me an ambulance. Anyway, it opens November 24th, but considering you’ve already seen every plot point in the trailer, I don’t know why you’d need to see it again.  Though something tells me this movie was specially designed for people who want to watch the same thing over and over again.

UPDATE/SPOILER ALERT: Commenter Chucky Pisspants claims this film features copious shots of Anne Hathaway’s breasts and she has Parkinson’s disease. I take it back, I’m sold.

[also in HD at Apple]