Anne Hathaway and James Franco host the Oscars this Sunday (I’ll have your official drinking game up tomorrow), and Franco recently posted a video of them dancing to Grease on his Twitter (video below).  It’s widely believed to be a rehearsal for an Oscars bit, but of course it could just be James Franco trying to dicknose us again.  Meanwhile, Ricky Gervais, who became controversial following a hosting stint at the Golden Globes in which he made a few jokes and didn’t huff farts nearly as long and as deeply as was expected of him, has written an Oscars script for Anne and James and posted it on his website.  Unsolicited? Uh oh, Bruce Vilanch is gonna have to choke a bitch.

JF
You probably know me from 127 Hours where I play a man trapped in an enclosed space who decides he would rather cut his own arm off than stay where he was. Now that sounds “way out” but wait till half way through this f**king ceremony and you’ll start to identify with him.

AH
And I’m the new Catwoman. The first white woman to play that role since Michelle Pfeiffer. I want it to be an inspiration to all white people everywhere. Your dreams can come true in Hollywood too.

JF
It’s a daunting task hosting The Oscars but we’re not alone. Presenting awards tonight will be a string of Hollywood legends and some other actors who have a film out in March or April.

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Deadline today reports that every hipster’s fantasy boyfriend, Joseph Gordon-Levitt (“JGL”, if you’re super cool) is “in talks” to “reteam” with his Inception “director” Chris Nolan in the Dark Knight Rises.  He also joins his even more handsome (and twice as British) co-star Tom Hardy, who’s said to be playing the villain Bane, as well as the previously-cast Anne Hathaway.

I’m not sure what role [Levitt will] play, but I’m told that he will be in the movie when Nolan starts production this spring. Gordon-Levitt will be done shooting the Rian Johnson-directed Looper with Bruce Willis and Emily Blunt by then. Gordon-Levitt has the indie Hesher coming out this spring, as well as Live With It, the Jonathan Levine-directed pic about a 27-year old who tries to overcome a cancer diagnosis.

Wait, Hesher comes out this spring?  Finally!  That’s awesome!  …Wait, sorry, this is a movie blog.  This is the part where we’re supposed to argue about which Batman character JGL should play.  RIDDLER!  HE SHOULD PLAY THE RIDDLER!  NO, THE RIDDLER WAS ALWAYS A SUCKY CHARACTER! HE SHOULD PLAY THE JOKER! NO, ONLY HEATH LEDGER CAN PLAY THE JOKER EVEN THOUGH HEATH LEDGER AS THE JOKER SUCKED BEFORE WE SAW HEATH LEDGER PLAY THE JOKER!

…Am I doing this right?  Sorry, I may spend all day googling kitty pictures in my underwear, but all this comic book speculation is beneath me.  I’ll be happy so long as the next Batman is faithful this scene:
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Director Christopher Nolan has officially put an end to our nerdy loin punishments by announcing that Tom Hardy will play the villain Bane in the third and presumably final Nolan-directed Batman installment, The Dark Knight Rises. And that is all the news there is involving this film today… tee hee… oh who am I kidding? ANNE HATHAWAY IS CATWOMAN!!!

*tears up restraining order, rips off ankle tracking bracelet, jumps out window*

Take it away, Empire Online…

“I am thrilled to have the opportunity to work with Anne Hathaway, who will be a fantastic addition to our ensemble as we complete our story,” said director Christopher Nolan in a press release.

“I am delighted to be working with Tom again and excited to watch him bring to life our new interpretation of one of Batman’s most formidable enemies.”

Nolan didn’t divulge any plot details, but if he’s as brilliant as me it will involve Bane and Christian Bale’s Batman doing a lot of high-fiving as Hathaway pillow fights with Harley Quinn, played by just about any living female with a pulse. And I’m sure the nerd brigade is gonna come crash down the gates around my heart and tell me that Anne is a terrible choice, but blah blah blah, I love you Chris Nolan.

Back in November, angelic unicorn whisperer Anne Hathaway hosted Saturday Night Live and the result was an episode that wasn’t necessarily terrible. And while I can sit here and break off into a 10,000-word rant about how terrible Jim Carrey’s recent hosting gig was, I won’t, because Vince won’t reach around if I do. What I can tell you is how Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are allegedly boycotting the Academy Awards because of Hathaway’s impression of Holmes from that episode.

Hathaway, who is as pure as a golden retriever’s smile, is hosting the Oscars alongside Filmdrunk favorite James Franco, so this news comes as a blow to the zero people who care about TomKat. As for the sketch and impression in question, for once I actually looked at Anne and thought, “Hey, she’s more than just an amazing rack and oddly pale hotness.” But Cruise and Holmes took the harmless impression as an insult and now they’re calling off their trip to the Oscars because they’re both terrible actors and will never be nominated for crap and would probably be left out of the “In Memoriam” montage at this point in their careers offended.

Jump on my couch, All Headline News…

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Well *now* it's a party

James Franco and Anne Hathaway (NSFW compilation of nude scenes from her latest movie here) have been confirmed as hosts for the 83rd Academy Awards telecast on February 27th, 2011.  To which I say, “Boo, James Franco and Kimiko the Sex Pillow or GTFO.”

“James Franco and Anne Hathaway personify the next generation of Hollywood icons— fresh, exciting and multi-talented. We hope to create an Oscar broadcast that will both showcase their incredible talents and entertain the world on February 27,” said telecast producers Bruce Cohen and Don Mischer in a statement.
Aussie actor Hugh Jackman, the popular host of the 2009 ceremony, turned down an offer to host next year’s show due to scheduling conflicts for the filming of his “X-Men” prequel. [NYPost]

Ouch, Hugh Jackman’s sloppy seconds. I like Franco and Hathaway alright, but come on.  People like to get excited about this stuff, but let’s face it: past Oscars have been hosted by brilliant unscripted comedic minds at the top of their game (Jon Stewart, Dave Letterman) and some of the best comedians of all time (Chris Rock, Steve Martin), and it’s never been all that exciting.  You think a couple decent comedic actors are going to change that?  No.  It’s an impossible job.  Make one Jude Law joke and Sean Penn cries like a little girl.  And what’s comedy without Jude Law jokes?  Nazi Germany, that’s what.  No thanks, Hitler.