I don't know what an Akira is. Was I close?

I haven’t done much reporting on the planned adaptation of Akira before now, for two important reasons. One, I know jack sh*t about anime. In fact, I’m worried someone’s going to yell at me for even calling it anime. That’s accurate, right? Does it have to do with sex pillows? And two, Akira is up there with Justice League and the Arrested Development movie in terms of Hollywood’s great white whales that will probably never get made but people can’t shut up about. But it’s in Variety today with a new budget and a new director attached, so who knows? Come kick the football, dorks.  Here’s the most concise background I’ve seen, by way of Gamma Squad.

A few days ago we declared the bastardized Akira remake to be thankfully dead.  It turns out our pronouncement was a bit premature (that’s never happened before, baby. I swear).   To recap, the Hughes Brothers were originally attached to adapt books one through six in two movies with a total budget rumored to be $230 million.  Things were looking good until rumors started circulating Warner Brothers was going to cast Zac Efron or a bunch of other white guys as the teenaged, Japanese gang members.  Then the Hughes Brothers left the project.  Then we heard Keanu Reeves was in talks to play Kaneda but smartly walked away, perhaps after looking at a calender and realizing it’s been nearly two decades since he was a teenager.

Which brings us to today. The $230 million budget is down to $90 million, and the director WB has in mind is Spaniard Jaume Collet-Serra, director of Orphan, aka Secret Dwarf Hooker, starring that little girl who looked like Madonna, and the Liam-Neeson-is-dead flick, Unknown.  Wait, he’s Spanish and his name is “Jaume?” Correct me if I’m wrong, but is that pronounced… “homey?”

Warner Bros. is moving ahead with its remake of “Akira” in a fiscally sensible way, tapping reliable Spanish helmer Jaume Collet-Serra (“Orphan,” “Unknown”) to direct a live-action version of the anime cult hit at a lower revised budget of $90 million.
WB acquired the potential tentpole project for a seven-figure sum from Japanese manga publisher Kodansha in 2008.
Gary Whitta was the first writer attached, while Albert Torres and the team of Mark Fergus and Hawk Ostby also contributed drafts. Steve Kloves, WB’s go-to scribe for its lucrative “Harry Potter” franchise, most recently polished Torres’ draft.
Set in New Manhattan, the cyberpunk sci-fi epic follows the leader of a biker gang who must save his friend, discovered with potentially destructive psychokinetic abilities, from government medical experiments. [Variety]

Ha, ‘sensible.’ ‘Reliable.’  Those are not adjectives you use to get people excited about a movie. Those are compliments for cheap underwear and drug dealers.

If you’re ever really stoned or on mushrooms and need a mind blower, Hayao Miyazaki’s Spirited Away or Princess Mononoke will do the trick.  His latest is called Ponyo (Japanese title: Gake no ue no Ponyo), and this is the trailer for the English version.

The film was inspired by Hans Christian Andersen’s fairy tale “The Littler Mermaid” and centers on a 5-year-old boy (Frankie Jonas) and his relationship with a goldfish princess named Ponyo (Noah Cyrus) who longs to become human.  Making up the English language voice cast are Noah Cyrus, Cate Blanchett, Matt Damon, Tina Fey, Cloris Leachman, Liam Neeson, Lily Tomlin, Betty White and Frankie Jonas. [RopeofSilicon]

Sources say the Japanese version will be out on DVD with English subtitles in July, a month before the English-language version.  I urge everyone to watch the Japanese version, because the last thing we need is to reward Disney for pimping out the younger, unfamous siblings of both Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers.  Use the child actors you have, don’t create more.  It’s dangerous. Every current child actor is a potential future wife beater, murderer, or Scientologist. Or worse (*shudder*), Danny Masterson.

[Available in HD at Apple]

Oh man.  So Manny Shyamalan, fresh off his latest huge flop, is directing The Last Airbender, an adaptation of an anime series from Nickelodeon, starring Dev “Captain Sullenface” Patel from Slumdog Millionaire.  Shyamalan, anime, Nickelodeon, Slumdog… The only way I could hate this idea any worse is if you added “featuring a cameo by white guys with dreadlocks, soundtrack by Coldplay, a commentary by Tyra Banks and the cast of The View, and a special appearance by my asshole neighbor who listens to R&B with his speaker on the floor.”  Oh God.  Can you imagine?  This is going to be more self-serious than Jesse James and Def Poetry Night put together.  Every time I hear about this project, I turn into this guy.

Read the rest of this entry »

Before I tell you about Hayao Miyazaki’s latest, I feel I should tell you that I don’t really like anime and I find anime dorks as strange and repellant as people who listen to techno when they’re not in a club and on ecstasy. That said, Miyazaki’s other films, Princess Mononoke and Spirited Away, are pretty mindblowing.  And now his latest, Ponyo on the Cliff by the Sea (trailer below) is set for an August 14th release.

The film was inspired by Hans Christian Andersen’s fairy tale “The Littler Mermaid” and is described as an animated adventure centered on a 5-year-old boy (Frankie Jonas) and his relationship with a goldfish princess named Ponyo (Noah Cyrus) who longs to become human.  Making up the English language voice cast are Noah Cyrus, Cate Blanchett, Matt Damon, Tina Fey, Cloris Leachman, Liam Neeson, Lily Tomlin, Betty White and Frankie Jonas. [RopeofSilicon]

And yes, that cast inludes the unfamous siblings of both Miley Cyrus and the Jonas brothers.  No, that’s great, let’s make them big stars.  Ooh, and make sure they have to do as little work for it as possible.  That’s just what the world needs, another Jim Belushi or a Kevin Farley.
Read the rest of this entry »

Keanu Reeves has signed on to play the lead in Fox’s live-action adaptation of Cowboy BeBop, a decision I would probably have lots to say about if I knew anything about anime.

Reeves will take on the role of Spike Spiegel, an adventurous bounty hunter traveling through space in 2071. Story follows the adventures of a group of bounty hunters traveling on their spaceship, the Bebop. [Variety]

I’m not sure what the hell that has to do with cowboys, but then, I don’t feel like reading all 8,000 words of the Wikipedia entry either.  All I know is that with Keanu playing the lead I’m not sure it’s fair to call it “live-action”.  But then, it certainly couldn’t be “animated” either.  Get it?  Because Keanu Reeves is a bad actor, you see.  If you liked either of these jokes, check out my Stock Keanu Reeves Jokes catalogue, now just $18.95 plus shipping and handling.