Sony just released a new trailer for the Angelina Jolie spy thriller, Salt, this time with MORE ACTION (*guitar squeal*). It comes from director Philip Noyce (The Saint, Clear and Present Danger) and a script once intended for Tom Cruise, which they thought was too unbelievable so they cast a girl. Anyway, here all this time I thought she was just supposed to be a Russian spy, she’s actually Batman or xXx or some sh*t.  She likes to headbutt people unconscious and knock guys off moving motorcycles and dive onto passing trucks from overpasses.  Which she can do because she’s so good at espionage, you see.  Though my favorite part was the classic “female spy movie” move where she goes on the lam and dyes her hair dark. (*cough* Long Kiss Goodnight! *cough, cough*) That always works.

NAMELESS AGENT: “I think we’ve got her!  *takes closer look, sees different hair color* My bad.  *speaking into wrist* Stand down, stand down, false alarm.  Looks like it’s just some other pillow-lipped, big-titted super spy.  Sorry for the confusion, ma’am. Our mistake.”

The Hollywood Reporter today says Angelina Jolie and director Darren Aronofsky (The Wrestler, Pi) are in discussions to join Serena, an adaptation of some sort of “book.”

[Based on Ron Rash's 2008 novel] Set in the rugged mountains of 1929 North Carolina, “Serena” follows a man named George Pemberton and his new bride, Serena, as they create a timber empire. Serena not only takes to the woods [hee hee!], but she also pushes her husband to commit more and more ruthless acts. When she learns she cannot bear a child, Serena sets out to murder the son her husband fathered illegitimately.

The project is quietly making the rounds in its search for financing. Work on the script by Chris Kyle (“The Weight of Water” and “K-19: The Widowmaker”) is also needed before Jolie and Aronofsky can move forward.

I call it “There Will be Wood” because it sounds kind of like There Will be Blood with timber.  Plus the whole Angelia Jolie-boner thing.  I thought it worked.  Anyway, they also report Aronofsky has finished Black Swan, which is rumored to feature, no joke, Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis having aggressive, lesbian ballerina sex. He’s also trying to make a Robocop movie.  Now, if he could somehow combine Angelina Jolie, lesbian ballerina sex, and Robocop into one movie– *head explodes*

This is the first trailer for Salt (this one’s in English, though a Russian-dubbed one was making the rounds yesterday).  It made the “Black List” (the list of the best unproduced screenplays as voted on by Hollywood types) back in 2007, when it was called Edwin A. Salt, and was set to star Tom Cruise in a film by Michael Mann. Mann later dropped out and Hancock director Peter Berg joined the project.  Then Cruise dropped out and they hired Quiet American director Phillip Noyce, and re-wrote Cruise’s part for Angelina Jolie, whose character is now named Evelyn A. Salt, which is a shame because everyone knows only c-nty Women Studies professors are named “Evelyn.”

Finally we get a trailer, featuring Jolie opposite Liev Shrieber and Chiwetel Ejiofor, in what looks like a pretty run-of-the-mill thriller, in which the main character may or may not be a Russian spy.  It seems like a perfect fit for Cruise, I wonder why he dropped out.  I can think of only one explanation — there must’ve been gay people in there.  So come on, fess up, who was it?  Was it you, Liev?  Chuy? Tom Cruise needs to know so he can avoid you.

I’m still on the fence when it comes to loving Family Guy or hating it (it’s hard to judge something where half the jokes make you laugh and the other half make you want to punch yourself). Regardless, I’ve always gotten the feeling that Seth MacFarlane would rather be making broadway musicals (take that for what you will).  Recently, he went on Fox’s Talk Show with Spike Ferestein [Editor's note: What? Who?] to sing this mildly amusing musical number. “Valentine’s in Hollywood” references topical matters like Lindsay Lohan’s lesbionity, Tom Cruise’s gayness, and Angelina Jolie’s labia.  No matter how you feel about Seth MacFarlane, you have to admit he has a ridiculous voice.  Hard to imagine it coming out of a guy in his early 20s like he was when he started.  It’s actually terrifying.  Imagine getting served coffee by a guy who looks like Shia LaBeouf but has Harry Shearer’s voice.  I’d probably just get scared and hit it with a shovel (always my first instinct).

[via BWE]

Jesus.  It wasn’t enough to make two unbearably mediocre Tomb Raider movies, now Warner wants to reboot the franchise, which was based on a video game that was never more than “Indiana Jones, but with big tits” to begin with.  I love tits as much as the next guy, but never has so much been squeezed out of so thin a concept.  Coming soon!  Pornstar Eating a Hot Dog: The Future Begins!

The new project is expected to revamp the character [with a new actress] and her mission and bear little resemblance to the original pictures. It will reimagine the origins of the character, her love interest and the main villain. [THR]

Well color me excited. A thousand bucks says the new version involves parkour.