Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck, who directed the incredible The Lives of Others back in 2006 is back with, uh… this.  The Tourist (opening December 10th) stars Johnny Depp as a schlubby tourist schlubbily schlubbing his way through Italy until one day (*RECORD SCRATCH*) a mysterious stranger played by Angelina Jolie changes everything with her British accent.  Before he knows it, he’s caught up in a web of violence and intrigue and mistaken identity and boats.  Snipers! Computer screens! One liners! Passports!  I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I truly believe this could turn out to be the movie-est movie of the year. (*breaks window in slow motion*)

[video via ComingSoon]

Having spent 15 years in prison, I can tell you that life behind bars is no glamorous feat. My crime? Being too handsome for my own good. And speaking of good looking, Angelina Jolie will play an ex-con in a yet-to-be-written tale of murder and suspense – Unforgiven. Meanwhile, I’ll be honoring the movie name Unforgiven next week at the Annual Dee Brown and Mike Jones Awards For Original Naming Excellence.

Jolie will play a woman (Ed. – what a stretch, you hack) who serves 15 years of hard time for killing two police officers. Graham King is producing this tribute to Ice T, while Christopher McQuarrie will eventually write a script, once he’s done making Tom Cruise look so awesome in films like Valkyrie. King and Jolie recently worked together on The Tourist, which leads some people to believe that they may be forming quite the working relationship. But I’m gonna stir the pot just for the sake of it and say that Jolie is adopting King’s illegitimate African love child. What? It’s a slow news day.

Pay your dues for your sexy crimes, Cinematical:

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According to the latest story, internationally famous brunette sex symbol Angelina Jolie will soon be starring as internationally famous blonde sex symbol Marilyn Monroe.  Dogs and cats!  Living together!  Record scratch slide whistle!  George Clooney will supposedly play Frank Sinatra, and the story will be told from the perspective of Monroe’s dog, a gift from Sinatra.  All this according to the book’s author, Andrew O’Hagan (ie, it’s highly probable that none of this is happening, but is a great way to promote your book).

The Life and Opinions of Maf the Dog, and of His Friend Marilyn Monroe follows Monroe’s last two years through the eyes of her pet, Maf, a Maltese terrier which was a gift from Sinatra in 1960. [Telegraph]

In November 1960, Frank Sinatra gave Marilyn Monroe a dog. His name was Mafia Honey, or Maf for short. He had an instinct for celebrity. For politics. For psychoanalysis. For literature. For interior decoration. For Liver Treat with a side order of National Biscuits.
Born in the household of Vanessa Bell, brought to the United States by Natalie Wood’s mother, given as a Christmas present to Marilyn the winter after she separated from Arthur Miller, Maf offers a keen insight into the world of Hollywood’s greatest star. Not to mention a hilarious peek into the brain of an opinionated, well-read, politically scrappy, complex canine hero. [book description via Amazon]

So basically, Forrest Gump as narrated by Brian from Family Guy.  Meh.  I’d rather Clooney play an anthropomorphic dog with a big black snout in a suit and tie.  Possibly even a gay dog, like when he did the voice for the gay dog in South Park.  Now there’s your movie, you clowns.

Even before author Stacy Schiff’s biography “Cleopatra: A Life” was released, the untold tale of Egypt’s fabled queen was scooped up and optioned for a film. While the decision by a Hollywood exec to purchase the rights to a book and turn it into a movie is rare these days, rest assured that somewhere Frank Miller just wrote “Cleopatra Black White Red” on a napkin and promptly received a check for $6 million.

Angelina Jolie is openly being touted as the sole interest to play the woman of legendary beauty, while Gabourey Sidibe is keeping her fingers crossed that Jolie will pass. Producer Scott Rudin (No Country For Old Men, Revolutionary Road) has sold himself on making Jolie the heir to the role made famous in 1963 by Elizabeth Taylor, before she started accepting food as payment. Taylor’s efforts won Cleopatra four Academy Awards that year, but the film ended up being a box office dud. When asked if a new Cleopatra film could earn big at the box office, Rudin replied: “As long as Angie has a side boob.”

Read me a bedtime story, USA Today:

At a lunch this week in Manhattan to promote the book, Schiff and Little, Brown publisher Michael Pietsch said film producer Scott Rudin has bought the rights to Schiff’s book, envisioning Jolie in the role. (Rudin’s office confirms that the project “is being developed for and with Jolie.”) Schiff says Jolie fills the bill. “Physically, she’s the perfect look,” she says. Brad Pitt is a no-brainer for Mark Antony. Julius Caesar? That one had Schiff temporarily stumped.

Of course Brad Pitt is a no-brainer. And why not throw Billy Bob Thornton in as Julius Caesar? Jennifer Aniston could play one of Cleopatra’s virgin slaves, too. Then Justin Long and Drew Barrymore could show up as a goofy young couple trying to make love work. It’s a tale of royalty to be portrayed by Hollywood royalty. Hey, does anyone know the hieroglyphics for *fart noise*?

Fun fact: Historians will point out that nobody actually knows what Cleopatra looks like, so it’s possible that she looks like what I woke up next to in college after 70 percent of my weekly benders. It has also been suggested in recent years that Cleopatra may have died of syphilis, so if ever there was a case of history casting Hollywood, it’s now.

Sony just released a new trailer for the Angelina Jolie spy thriller, Salt, this time with MORE ACTION (*guitar squeal*). It comes from director Philip Noyce (The Saint, Clear and Present Danger) and a script once intended for Tom Cruise, which they thought was too unbelievable so they cast a girl. Anyway, here all this time I thought she was just supposed to be a Russian spy, she’s actually Batman or xXx or some sh*t.  She likes to headbutt people unconscious and knock guys off moving motorcycles and dive onto passing trucks from overpasses.  Which she can do because she’s so good at espionage, you see.  Though my favorite part was the classic “female spy movie” move where she goes on the lam and dyes her hair dark. (*cough* Long Kiss Goodnight! *cough, cough*) That always works.

NAMELESS AGENT: “I think we’ve got her!  *takes closer look, sees different hair color* My bad.  *speaking into wrist* Stand down, stand down, false alarm.  Looks like it’s just some other pillow-lipped, big-titted super spy.  Sorry for the confusion, ma’am. Our mistake.”