Taylor Kitsch was on the Today Show this morning promoting Disney’s John Carter, and after the usual boring talk about doing his own stunts and what length the fans like his hair (BUT WAIT, TELL US ABOUT YOUR WORKOUT REGIMEN!), they played a partial trailer, which you can watch below. Kitsch plays a Civil War veteran who gets transported to Mars and gets caught up in the conflicts there. Basically, it’s like Cowboys and Aliens on Mars, with a light queef-dusting of Avatar (and the ten previous movies Avatar implies), where the aliens all speak in British accents to let you know that they’re important.

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There are a few stories going around today, but most of them aren’t worth more than a couple sentences.

“The long-gestating Lance Armstrong biopic has brought on a writer well-versed in sports comeback stories and could shoot as early as next year.”  Execs described the project as “like Seabiscuit with nut cancer.” |THR|

Fred Durst says Obama was created by the Jews or something.  |ContactMusic (notorious liars, btw)|

Here’s Linkin Park’s new single from the Transformers 2 soundtrack.  The video features a guy rocking out while manning a mixing board, which should tell you everything you need to know about Linkin Park. |MySpace|

Rosebud was a black chick. Tyler Perry’s new movie, I Can Do Bad All by Myself has a new poster. I’m gonna be pissed if I wake up one day and find out Tyler Perry’s movies had a map to the treasure in them. |MSN|

Iron Man writer Justin Theroux is set to direct Chief Ron, about blue-eyed dude who fought to build an Indian casino in New York.  Hopefully he gets Kurt Russell to star.  Captain Ron, Chief Ron – just a couple more before he fulfills the Village People cycle.  It’s every actor’s dream. |Variety|

Wall-E director Andrew Stanton is set to begin shooting his live-action John Carter Goes to Mars in Utah this November.  People in Utah are excited, but Mormons get excited about anything.  |KLS|

Amy Poehler will produce and star in Lunch Lady, based on a graphic novel about a crime-fighting lunch lady.  A crime-fighting lunch lady with a blonde vagina.  |THR|

A porn actress was diagnosed with HIV, leading some health officials to demand pornstars wear condoms all the time.  Sure, buddy, and maybe I’ll start jerking off with a dish glove while we’re at it. |LATimes|

Joss Whedon says he was approached about the reboot of Buffy the Vampire Slayer but wasn’t interested.  That’s makes two of us, broheim.  |EW|

This latest Wall E TV ad rightfully highlights Pixar’s stellar track record of Finding Nemo, Ratatouille, The Incredibles, and other movies that are awesome when you’re really high. 

They prove that you can make solid kid-oriented fare without covering yourself in slime, annoying tween music, or Kenan Thompson.