“I HAAATE MERLOT!!!”

According to a number of very important, very legitimate news sources that report only the Earth-shakingest of scoopy scoops, Paul Giamatti is in talks for the sequel to The Amazing Spider-Man, in which he’ll be playing a villain called “The Rhino.” The Rhino wears a suit that gives him super strength and super speed, and has a big horn on the top of his head. And now, I’m guessing, he’ll also have some kind of crippling neurosis.

Paul Giamatti is in talks to join The Amazing Spider-Man 2 as the villain known as The Rhino, and Felicity Jones is negotiating for an unspecified role.
The duo would bolster an already impressive cast. Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone are back as Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy, Jamie Foxx is portraying bad guy Electro, Shailene Woodley is Mary Jane Watson, and Dane DeHaan is Harry Osborne.
The Rhino first appeared in Amazing Spider-Man #41 in 1966 as a thug from a Soviet Bloc country who wore a superhuman suit that made him invulnerable while giving him superstrength and superspeed. It also had a deadly horn on top.
In more recent comics, he became a sympathetic figure who found himself allying with Spider-Man. [HollywoodReporter]

Sony plans to rush into… er, begin production next month. I hope they write a really good motivation for the villain in this one, like they did for in the last Spider-Man. “Hey, what if he tried to turn everyone else into rhinos and then climbed a bridge for some reason? That’d be cool, right?”

I’m okay with the absurd motivations, but why not go all out with it? They keep trying to make the bad guy this disgruntled scientist who starts out a genius and then goes wrong, and then he has this incredibly convoluted master plan for world domination, and his plan doesn’t really make sense, but then the movie and everyone in it has to pretend like it does. Why not just go full crazy? Why does he have to be a sane madman? Like, maybe the bad guy kills a whole bunch of people at a football stadium like Bane, but instead of making a big speech he just goes out there and starts shoving bananas up his ass because he likes the attention. They need more people like me in these focus groups.

The untold story! ...Of web shooters! Amazing!

This is part one of a series, the best and worst movie of the summer so far. Check back soon for part two.

Look, we all know The Amazing Spider-Man didn’t get made because someone out there was absolutely dying to share with the world the “untold story” of Spider-Man’s origin. I think we were all okay with “dude gets bit by spider, gains superpowers,” without having to revisit it and explore all the footnotes (ooh, but what color hair did his girlfriend have? and what sports did the popular kids at his high school play?). It got made because Sony had to make something or else risk their rights reverting to Marvel. Whatever their motives, clearly it’s the exact opposite of a passion project. That said, the story of the 2012 has been one of business-decision movies that had no right to be good… actually turning out… kind of good (21 Jump Street was great, American Wedding Reunion had its moments, and even Men in Black 3 wasn’t the worst thing ever). In 2012, cautious optimism for yet another Spider-Man movie wasn’t a ridiculous notion. Sadly, The Amazing Spider-Man is the exception that proves the rule, a perfect example of a movie that sounds like a terrible idea actually turning out terrible. It feels like a bunch of talented people trying really hard to give a sh*t about a story no one could really be expected to give a sh*t about. Turns out, no, there is no ghost in the machine. It seemed like a waste of time because it is one.

"Hey... Can I borrow a scarf and cardigan?"

Okay, so Peter Parker is in high school, right? And he’s not popular, apparently because he wears lots of layers of shirts. Why is it wearing twelve different layers of shirts seems to be movie shorthand for unpopularity? Especially when it’s so clearly meant to inspire affection from the audience. Anyway, Shirty McShirterson shirts around his high school taking pictures of stuff on his old-timey film camera, I guess because he appreciates obsolete technologies. He somehow manages to piss off the head jock, Flash*, who gives Peter one of those movie beatings where multiple, brutal right crosses land flush on the face and it only leaves cute little scrapes around the guy’s eyes and mouth. Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone, looking wicked hot in miniskirts and knee-high socks) comes to his aid because giraffe-necked-dudes make her panties moist, and there isn’t too much conflict there, because between Peter standing up to the bully everyone hates in front of everyone, and the super-hot chick totally wanting to do him, it seems like he has things pretty well figured. I’m supposed to pity this guy? I want to cross swords with him in that body swap fountain from The Change-Up.

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I haven’t seen The Amazing Spider-Man yet, but last time I posted a trailer, where Spider-Man talks to some thugs like a sarcastic, condescending New Yorker, I noted that Spider-Man (played by Andrew “Scarfield” Garfied)… kind of seems like an A-hole in this one. This latest clip (which shows the “Spider-Man Basketball” scene that’s already been hinted at in publicity stills) seems to drive the point home even more, with Peter Parker mercilessly humiliating the head jock to the point that you expect him to start asking “Why you hitting yourself, huh? Why you hitting yourself?”

Have Hollywood’s screenwriters have finally taken this embittered nerd wish-fulfillment thing too far?

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Between Marvel’s The Avengers doing naughty, naughty things to the box office record book and The Dark Knight Rises presumably set to do the same, it’s safe to say that Columbia Pictures is hoping that comic book movie enthusiasts are going to have enough gas in their tanks when The Amazing Spider-Man hits theaters on July 3. Or at least Columbia is hoping that the bitter after-taste left by the mess that was Spider-Man 3 isn’t still clouding moviegoer judgement.

Either way, if there’s one thing The Amazing Spider-Man has going for it, it’s that Emma Stone is playing the female lead instead of Kirsten Dunst this time around, and I’ll admit that’s a hell of a first step in making up for Emo Spidey. Needless to say, Stone and her on-screen and real life Peter Parker, Andrew “Scarfield” Garfield are making the promo rounds for the new Spidey, and they recently stopped by a German TV show.

And that’s it, that’s all I know about this adorable clip of Stone and Scarfield singing about Spider-Man in German. In related news, “99 Red Balloons” is still the greatest song ever written.

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Sony Pictures is currently in the middle of a worldwide orgy of webs and flash bulbs, as a new trailer and teasers for The Amazing Spider-Man were debuted at events in major cities all around the world. I’m going to assume that my invite was lost in the mail, but other more fortunate people were able to see the debut of a brand new 3D trailer that will be showing before the new 3D version of Star Wars: Episode 1 this weekend.

The 3D trailer won’t be available online until Wednesday, so take off those 3D glasses before someone points out how stupid you look. In the meantime, a 2D trailer was released in the wee hours of the morning and it reveals a lot more about the film, like how scary the Lizard looks and whether or not Denis Leary can tackle playing a New York City cop after years of playing a fireman. That guy’s got some serious range.

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