The tagline underneath the green Wahlberg nutsack logo is "our family. our story. our burgers." Seriously.

Having to sit on the sidelines while Burnsy wrote up that last story about Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, and Whitey Bulger gave me a serious case of Boston-vernacular blue balls. BUT GUESS WHAT, CAWKSUCKAH! MAHKY MAHK JUST OPENED HIS FACKIN’ BURGAH RESTRINT, AND I’M HEAH TA COVER IT! POW! FEEL IT, FEEL IT!

Seriously though, remember “Wahlburgers?” The restaurant chain that Mark and Donny Wahlberg decided to start discovered in New York and stole for their brother, Paul (pictured, center)? Well, it had its gala opening last night in Hingham Shipyard. AND I CAN EXCLUSIVELY REPAWT THAT THEY SERVE THE BEST FACKIN BURGAHS IN MASS! RIGHT NEAH DA FACKIN’ HAHBAH! ALL THE MOVIE STAHS AND SAWX PLAYAHS WERE THEYAH! IT WIZ LIKE THE ENTOURAGE OF BURGAH JOINTS, ONLY MOAH CLASSIAH!

The brothers Wahlberg – at least a few of them – joined mom Alma at last night’s opening of Wahlburgers, the clan’s new “casual food” franchise in Hingham.

“At least a few of them?” There were four in the pictures – Mark, Donny, Paul, and Jim – how many goddamn brothers are there? These Irish, they’re like pale, drunk Mexicans. (Factual note: there are nine Wahlberg siblings).

“This is in the spirit of the family,” said Donnie Wahlberg, referencing a menu that includes a Triple Decker. (“Like the house we grew up in.”)

Triple deckah, like owah house! Awl owah burgahs ah named aftah facets of owah Wahlberg childhood. WAITAH! BRING ME A DELINQUENCY MELT WITH EXTRA SHOUTING! MAHKY’S GONNA THROW IT AT AN AWRIENTAL!

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This week saw two massive bird die offs, first 5,000 in Arkansas, then 500 in Louisiana.  Scientists don’t have an explanation yet, and that’s rough on CNN, because 24 hours of news programming is a lot to fill with, “Damn, homes. That’s messed up.”  What to do?  I know!  We’ll call Fireproof star Kirk Cameron!  He’s bound to have some crazy sh*t to say!  At least, that seemed to be the idea behind having Cameron on Anderson Cooper (either that or they both go to the same bath house). Only when Anderson asked him whether the bird deaths were a sign of the apocalypse, Cameron flipped the script, and actually sounded pretty sane.

Kirk Cameron is not your monkey, Anderson Cooper, he doesn’t even believe in evolution.

[are the birds the end times, Kirk Cameron?]

“Well, I first think that they ought to call a veterinarian, not me. You know, I’m not the religious conspiracy theorist go-to guy particularly. But I think it’s really kind of silly to try to equate birds falling out of the sky with some kind of an end-times theory.”

“That has more to do with pagan mythology [and not the apocalypse] — the directions the birds flew told some of the followers of those legends that the gods were either pleased or displeased with them. I think people just have a fascination with the religiously mysterious.” [via Moviefone]

“Look, Anderson, if you’re looking for someone to spout off some crackpot religious theory, you’ve got the wrong guy.  I don’t go in for a lot of that hocus pocus.  I’m just a hard-working fella who puts his pants on one leg at a time and believes the grooves on a banana are a code from God that disproves evolution, you know? I leave these conspiracy theories to somebody else.”

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TMZ reports that Universal is pulling the trailer for the Vince Vaughn/Kevin James “comedy” The Dilemma after Anderson Cooper complained about it on the Ellen show this week.  The offending line was the opening of the trailer (which is still live on Yahoo, but will supposedly be replaced by the end of the day):

“Ladies and Gentlemen, electric cars… are gay.  I mean, not homosexual gay, but my-parents-are-chaperoning-me-to-the-dance gay.”

Deadline reports that Universal had shown the trailer to GLAAD and that some of the marketing people in charge were themselves gay (sounds crazy, I know…) and no one had had a problem with it.  Nonetheless, they’re pulling it after Anderson Cooper had this to say (video after the jump) on Ellen this week:

“I was sitting in a movie theater over the weekend and there was a preview of a movie, and in it, the actor said, ‘That’s so gay,’ and I was shocked that not only that they put it in the movie, but that they put that in the preview. They thought that it was okay to put that in a preview for the movie to get people to go and see it… We’ve got to do something to make those words unacceptable ’cause those words are hurting kids.”

Oh yeah, I’m sure this will totally keep adolescent boys from calling each other gay.  I love you, Anderson, but come on, pick your battles: “gay” had a meaning before it meant “homosexual”.  For someone to use “gay” and explicitly refer it back to the non-homosexual meaning IS NOT OFFENSIVE.  And no, “that’s so gay” is not the same as the N-word, so stop using that argument.  It’s stupid.  Their history and their connotations are completely different.  Maybe I’m overreacting, but I refuse to believe that the most offensive thing about a movie starring Kevin James dancing, written by Allan Loeb and starring Queen Latifah and C-Tates, is that someone said something was “gay.”  Offensive to gay people? No. Offensive to intelligent people?  Definitely.

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Hey girl.  I came here with my friend, baby sloth, to let you know that it’s okay to take it slow.  Haha, get it, girl?  Because he’s a sloth?  Just kidding, girl, that’s not even really me in the picture, it’s Anderson Cooper.  That’s photoshop, girl.  But I still mean what I said about taking it slow.

Anyway, girl, here’s some pictures of me on the set of my new movie, All Good Things. Haha, they let me play with a dog.  And no, I didn’t mean Kirsten Dunst, that’s really mean, you guys.

Hey girl, I wore my other tuxedo shirt.

[picture source = here, thanks to RoboPanda for the tip, style bite from fyeahryangosling]