After last year’s Worst Movies feature, I received feedback from some readers and Twitter folk about me possibly being “too negative” and “mean” when it came to criticizing films that I chose to watch for this annual hate crime report. Some people even pulled the “What movies have you written?” card, which is cheap because I can just turn around and ask what dog they’ve ever photoshopped a mustache on, and BOOM – argument over.

Hundreds, if not thousands, of films are made each year, and a lot of them are bad. That’s not just by my standards; that’s by the standards of the majority. I have never, in the several years that Vince has let me poison the quality of his website, proclaimed to be a critic. I am just a bro who likes watching movies, and I have a naïve innocence that lets me still believe that people in Hollywood care about making quality films. Then I watch Bucky Larson and that gullible side of me is shoved into a wood chipper.

So how, then, do I determine which of the many, many mainstream films that I have watched in 2012 are the absolute worst of the worst of the WORST? It’s a little pinch of common sense mixed with a dash of “Come on, that’s just f*cking awful”. But I also have some rules, and let’s review them now…

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American Reunion's Alyson Hannigan stroking out in the tub.

After last week’s light DVD load, this week things are beginning to return back to normal. There’s only one major Hollywood release (American Reunion), but there are a few other flicks that star the likes of Robert De Niro, Christian Bale, and Matt Damon that you probably didn’t see in their theatrical runs. There’s also David Arquette, Michael K. Williams, the Upright Citizens Brigade, a couple of films with ‘Ice’ in their titles, an overweight Norwegian gentleman, some rappers in peril, and even some vampires. One of these flicks is even a musical!

The DVDs:
American Reunion
Being Flynn
The Flowers Of War
Margaret
Black Limousine
Freak Dance
Fightville
Mysteria
On The Ice
Hot Ice
I Kissed A Vampire
Fatso
Dark Nemesis
The Flirting Club
Cherry Bomb
You’re Nobody Till Somebody Kills You

The only way to find out which flick is the musical is to keep reading on the next page.  If you hate musicals and therefore don’t have a song in your heart, click here for this week’s Netflix instant streaming movie suggestions. Read the rest of this entry »

Last time we checked in on “actress” Tara Reid and her love life, she was happily married and boasting to the world tabloids about the joy she had found with a man whom she’d only been dating for a few weeks, according to people we’ve never heard of. Well it turns out that her marriage is a bit of what experts like to call a “sham” because the whole point of her wedding was to sell the pictures to those tabloids.

But that’s all in the past now, because Reid’s “acting” career has had a resurgence with her pivotal, binding role in American Reunion, which was a sharp and poignant reminder that those people still exist. Reid’s schedule is now booked solid with movie roles, including… well that’s strange. IMDB must be broken.

Either way, Reid is back rubbing elbows with A-listers and she even found herself a handsome, young boy-toy.

The 36-year-old actress was recently spotted getting cozy with 60-year-old jeweler Fawaz Gruosi.

Gruosi is the founder and president of de Grisogono, and is considered one of the most sought-after watch and jewelry makers of his generation, according to The New York Times.

The two were spotted holding hands and looking intimate aboard a massive yacht at the Lady Joy Boat Party in Cannes. (Via the HuffPo)

Okay okay, so she’s dating a man who is old enough to be her father. A lot of actresses do that. In fact, just the other day, my sources spotted Catherine Zeta Jones having lunch with her husband, Michael Douglas, in a park. And he loved every last bite of that apple sauce, because someone had an awfully full diaper. Yes he did! Who’s mommy’s big pooper? That’s right, Michael Douglas is.

“BROS! Wouldn’t it be TOTES AMAZEBALLS if we went back to our high-school reunion, and all the 18-year-old sluts in town wanted to do us and we couldn’t do them because we were married and stuff so we just beat up their boyfriends and let them blow us while we high-fived each other and listened to Chumbawumba?? SO AWESOME, BRO! Sack tap! Last one to the jetskis sucks dicks!”

That is to say, American Reunion is an extremely specific type of wish fulfillment, and I’m ashamed to say that it mostly worked on me. I am that demo, and I hate myself for it. For years, I’ve ridiculed the Baby Boomers for turning most of pop culture into their own self-congratulatory circle jerk for the last 30 years. Now, I realize that my own generation is going to be EVEN MORE ANNOYING. We’re ALREADY getting nostalgic about shit that happened like FIVE YEARS AGO! As smug and obnoxious and terrible as the Boomers were, at least with them, things happened – the war, the sexual revolution, the Civil Rights movement (you know, debates we’re constantly forced to re-argue long after they’ve lost all relevance, but that’s another story). MY generation’s version of a watershed moment? “HEY, BRO! REMEMBER THE VERVE PIPE??”

WE ARE THE WORST, AND IT’S ONLY GOING TO GET WORSER. Did you see Ferris Bueller hawking minivans?

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Raccoon Banker and the Hunger Games cast eagerly watch the box office returns

It wasn’t the most fascinating or surprising weekend at the box office, so I’ll keep this brief. The Hunger Games landed first place for the third week in a row, earning $33.5 million domestically, crossing $302 million cumulatively and almost $460 million worldwide. All in all, more than enough to invest in a tripod for the next one. Meanwhile, American Reunion was a not-totally-but-still-kinda disappointing $21.5 million for the number two spot, and defying all logic, there were $17 million worth of people willing to spend ten or 15 bucks to see Titanic again. No word on what James Cameron’s cut was, but I’m sure it was enough to buy decorative tote bags for his giant bales of money and new wigs for his prostitutes, not to mention new slum shacks to shield the bald girls who gave their hair for the prostitute wigs from the rain. The prosperity trickles down, you see, that’s economics.

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