Hey, let’s invite Lou Ferrigno down to the set of American Gladiators!  And then we’ll paint Titan green and make him act like the Hulk!  And then we’ll use green filters on all the cameras!  And then we’ll make them fight with big soft stand ins for penises!  The loser gets all wet!  And then everyone will flex at each other!  And then… hey, why is my poop green!  And how come there’s condoms in it!  And why don’t I remember how I got home last night!  Why’d Titan  buy me all those Jägr shots!

Christine Peters and Michael Cerenzie, the producers who recently founded CP Productions, have decided to make a Joust movie.  No, not joust like in A Knight's Tale, and no, not even like the giant Q-tip thingies from American Gladiators. They want to make a movie based on the Joust video game.  

The game to which children of the '80s sacrificed untold quarters. If you're somehow unfamiliar with the 25-year-old arcade classic, the "plot" is easy to describe: You play as a knight who flaps around on an ostrich (or emu), using your lance to poke opposing knights off their buzzards. Without getting into too much detail, you also need to eat eggs, avoid pterodactyls, and watch out for the troll that lives in the molten lava below.

Perhaps it could also involve shanking your mom with a pterodactyl dick bone? Oh, but that's not all:

What's more, they think other games deserve the same treatment. According to the report, CP's projects will focus on the "under-25 filmgoer."

Uh, hate to burst your bubble, dudes, but I'm over 25, and I don't even remember this game. 

"We've updated the game into a commercial, tent pole movie," said Cerenzie. "Marc has done an amazing job in creating a tantalizing and filmic world based on the original game."

If by "tent pole movie", you mean something I'd rather sit on than watch a Joust movie…

"This film is the type of action-packed story that appeals to all four quadrants of the movie-going public and we are excited to be in the Midway Games business once again," said Peters.

Well sure, it's gotta appeal to all four quadrants… 

Cerenzie also describes the film's script, written by Marc Gottlieb, as "Gladiator meets Mad Max." It takes place in the future, and involves a floating Las Vegas.

Okay, I'll be honest, this is starting to sound kind of awesome.  But Gladiator meets Mad Max?  What, like only films that star an Australian guy could possibly be like a movie about emu jousting?  That's some racist shit right there.  These people really need to learn how to think outside the box. 

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