AN ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS SEQUEL

01.10.08 Written by Vince Mancini

Alvin about to eat poop and pretend to like it. I think there\'s a metaphor here.

If that headline wasn’t enough to make you vomit blood or rectally prolapse…

“Alvin & the Chipmunks” is about to cross the $200 million box-office mark, could become the most successful family film released in 2007, and is already the highest-grossing talking animal/live-action cartoon adaptation ever. All this can only mean one thing: Chipettes. [MTV]

Uh, what?

The Chipettes are a group of female chipmunks named Brittany, Jeanette and Eleanor, who were first introduced to audiences in the early Eighties. Now, as the team behind “Alvin” begin planning the sequel, their thoughts keep returning to the little girlfriends. 

God I hate children.  And yet also condoms.  A dilemma as old as time. 

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DAVID CROSS FIGHTS BLOGS WITH BLOGS

01.02.08 Written by Vince Mancini

In a recent blog, David Cross addressed his participation in Alvin and the Chipmunks, and how Patton Oswalt kinda sorta but not really dissed him for it in his blog. Here’s a snip (more after the jump):

Up to working on "Alvin" I had not worked in six (SIX!) months. That is an eternity if you’re an actor. Think about not working for two months with no hope of anything on the horizon. Now triple that. It was the longest period without work since after "Ben Stiller" got cancelled (the show, not the man) and I was going nuts. I was depressed and difficult to live with. I was VERY happy to have the work. Again, no regrets.

One thing to note here is that we know that they approached at least me, Patton, and Brian. Three non-traditional funny guys who can do something with the part that isn’t on the page. I’d say the people involved with the film (at least on the creative end) have pretty good taste. They could have offered the part to Anthony Clark or Jim Breuer or Dat Phan, but then they wouldn’t be able to balance out the empty void that Jason Lee brings to the film.

It’s a fairly interesting read, and not surprisingly, more cleverly written than say, a Courtney Love blog. But you can pretty much sum it up with "I needed money and I was bored." We get it, bro, get over yourself.  Hey, remember when people used to settle disputes with pistols at dawn?  Thank gosh for civilization, blog duels are waaay more interesting.

"Dear Internet: Steve is a stinky jerkface. The End."  I love the smell of catharsis in the morning!

I live in NYC for a reason. I enjoy it here. I have numerous creative friends and we share much of the same sensibilities. We rarely, if ever, talk about "the business", which I really like. Something that people constantly talk about in LA, which I really don’t like. This comes with a cost of course. It’s expensive to live here. I have a pretty modest lifestyle, I live in the same relatively small 1100 sq. foot apartment since I moved here. I don’t own a car, don’t go out "clubbing", and don’t really own anything of much value. I am in no way hurting for money but I guarantee you that I have much, much less than you think. The reason I bring this up is because two years ago I decided that I wanted to get a small place upstate. Nothing fancy, a small cottage on at least a couple of acres near some water where I could get out of here, get some fresh air, buy a smoker, make some b-b-q and hang out with my dog on the porch. I looked informally for a long time but never found anything that I liked in my price range. Then finally, after much disappointed searching, I did. It’s a small cottage on 5 1/2 acres in the middle of the woods in Sullivan county. It has a largish stream running through it and best of all it’s in the middle of nowhere. No town, no nothing. Two hours outside the city and only about a ten minute drive from the Delaware River. Perfect. It was a little more than I had budgeted for but it was definitely worth it. I asked the owner if he’d take some of my credibility as payment. He looked at me as if I was an alien with A.I.D.S. speaking some intergalactic gobbledy-goo. I had to patiently explain to this country bumpkin about my indie hipster cred, and I would now like to cash it in. This rural rube was so backwards and ignorant that he couldn’t even conceive of how financial markets work and simple free market capitalism. I tried again to explain the concept of the value of "credibility" and "artistic integrity" but he refused to take it in exchange for the house. This guy was a fucking idiot! But what could I do? He wouldn’t take no for an answer. If I wanted that cottage I would have to pay him money. Sigh. So I used my "Alvin and the Chipmunks" money to pay for the down payment. Seriously, I totally did.

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AL N THE CHIPMUNKS: A SUPERSIZE NUMBER 2

12.17.07 Written by Vince Mancini

Hangover Bear did not enjoy this movie.

The sci-fi remake I Am Legend was the number one film, grossing $76.5 million, per studio estimates compiled Sunday by Exhibitor Relations. The CGI-updated Alvin and the Chipmunks was a super-size number two, with a $45 million take. Fox was the studio that had been expecting a $20 million bow from Alvin and the Chipmunks, while Warners was the beneficiary of Smith’s biggest-ever opener.  [Yahoo/E! Online]

You know what that means, kiddies!  Expect more zombie flicks and creepy CGI adaptations.  I could quote reviews for Alvin to support my assumption that it sucks sloth nuts (moldy!), but the fact that the first trailer involved poop eating really says it all.  

Elsewhere, the Golden Globe-nominated Juno, pound for pound, theater for theater, put up the best numbers of the weekend, grossing $1.4 million ($2.2 million to date), and almost cracking the Top 10 on the strength of—not 1,000, not 100, not even 50—but 40 screens. By comparison, August Rush needed 2,007 theaters to cobble together a take of $1.8 million ($28.1 million overall) and nab a 10th place finish. 

And, since it may be January 4th before Juno gets released in some of the smaller markets, I have another three weeks to thumb my nose at the common folk as I ride by on my carriage (pulled by my high horse, of course).  Foolish peasants! Stuff your dirty faces with gruel if it pleases you.  Meanwhile, I shall dine on quail stuffed inside chicken stuffed inside pheasant stuffed inside turkey stuffed inside lamb stuffed inside beef.  You and I are practically different species! 

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MTV GOT PAID

11.30.07 Written by Vince Mancini

MTV has a couple new clips (watch them here) from Alvin and the Chipmunks that they introduce thusly:

What happens when you mix David Cross with three over-caffeinated singing chipmunks? If 20th Century Fox has their way, it will be sheer hilarity and boffo box office. “Alvin and the Chipmunks” opens December 14th, but we’ve got your first look below.

Yeah, sure buddy.  Any time you hear a guy say "If __ has their way…" or "boffo" you can pretty much guarantee he’s full of sh-t and trying really hard not to rip something. 

It’s only out of sheer, morbid curiosity that I post this stuff.  Who thought this was a good idea?  And how much money are they throwing at this thing?  They got Jason Lee and David Cross to be in it, two guys who seem to have reasonably decent taste and who aren’t poor – I’m thinking it was blackmail.  Or maybe large blackmale.  The first trailer had a chipmunk eating poop.  In this one, it sounds like Alvin’s singing a strip tease song as he suggestively hula hoops. Is this supposed to be a kid’s movie about rodents who eat other’s crap and try to f-ck me?  CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?      

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DAVID CROSS LOSES CREDIBILITY

11.08.07 Written by Vince Mancini


Watch the Alvin and the Chipmunks trailer at Yahoo

The full trailer for Alvin and the Chipmunks is online over at Yahoo today, and perhaps the best thing I can say for it is that, unlike the earlier teaser trailer, no one appears to eat poop.  Though it does include a rather wet sounding fart.  Probably why this one’s rated PG and not G.  "Parental Guidance: Poop Eating and Farts".  Can I get that on a doormat?  

The worst part about this is watching Tobias Fünke (David Cross) whittle away at his respectability.  I hope he traded a pet project or a big pile of cash for this one.  I mean, nothing against Jason Lee – but the guy’s a Scientologist, and those people are nothing if not gullible. 

But by far the most outrageous thing about the Alvin and the Chipmunks is the fact that they’re out making big budget movies while the California Raisins continue to toil in obscurity.  Hollywood, what a bunch of racists.  Racism is so typical of the cabal of wealthy Jew bankers running that place.

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