I first reported the development of a Smurfs movie a couple months ago, a planned live-action/CGI mix a lá Alvin and the Chipmunks (or Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakwel). Today, bat-like EW correspondent Michael Ausiello uncovered some more news about the plot from a casting call, and it doesn’t sound at all like the Smurfs I remember. Here are the roles being cast:
SOPHIE: A pre-teen girl who possesses enormous smarts and great imagination, but who is socially and physically clumsy. She discovers that the doll her dad brought home from Belgium is actually a living, breathing Smurf. And not just any Smurf — Clumsy Smurf! Sophie tries to get her mom and dad to embrace Clumsy as a member of the family, but ultimately realizes what he really wants is to reunite with his fellow Smurfs.
SAM: Sophie’s 15-year-old brother. He’s a good kid, but has a tendency to be difficult and withdrawn. He gets involved in helping Clumsy return home and, as a result, bonds with his sister.
What the hell? So instead of Smurf village we get two special-needs retards and E.T.? Unless they cast Charley the Retarded Cat as Sophie and include a dance party scene set in McDonald’s, I’m not interested. (But seriously though, a cat with poor motor skills plus a Smurf plus a dance party at McDonald’s? This needs to happen).
Russell Brand (CUT YOUR GD HAIR!) is set to supply the voice of the Easter bunny in I Hop - a project that got greenlit when it should’ve gotten the guy who thought of it socked in the arm. (*sigh*) No one has good friends anymore.
Tim Hill, who previously mixed live action and CGI characters on “Alvin and the Chipmunks,” will direct.
Tale revolves around an out-of-work slacker who runs over the Easter Bunny while driving home late. Since the bunny can’t hop with a broken leg, the slacker is pressed into duty to save Easter. The film becomes a two-hander between the iconic holiday critter and the slacker, each of whom is running from adulthood. [Variety]
I hope Tim Allen plays the guy who has to become the Easter Bunny. Each day his ears get a little longer and he gets a little fuzzier. And one day he’ll be sitting on the marriage counselor’s couch with his wife and the doctor will ask, “So how’s your love life?” And his wife will giggle, “Actually, doc, it’s the strangest thing, I don’t know what’s come over him, but ever since a week ago, we’ve been making love like rabbits!” (*canned laughter*)
Also: Wouldn’t this be a funnier concept if the Easter Bunny ran over some loser and then had to take over his job at IHOP? “Hey, Bunny, where the f*ck is my lingonberry butter?” So ironic.
Sony obtained the rights to The Smurfs and are planning a live action/animated movie. That’s one of those movies where actors who need money stand around pretending to interact with creepy CGI characters. On the set, I imagine a naked PA painted green running around holding a stick with a picture of a smurf or a chipmunk or whatever on it, but I can neither confirm nor deny that that’s how they do it.
"Smurfs" marks SPA’s first hybrid film — a subgenre that proved popular given the success of 20th Century Fox’s "Alvin and the Chipmunks"…
"The Smurfs are one of the best-known franchises, and among the most beloved collection of characters in the world," Columbia co-president Doug Belgrad said. "We’re very excited to introduce a new generation to Papa Smurf, Smurfette and the other smurftastic Smurfs in all of their ‘three-apple-tall’ glory."
Well smurf me in the smurf, this sounds like a smurfing great idea. I just hope these mothersmurfers don’t make another piece of smurf like Alvin and the Chipmunks. That smurf was creepy. One of them ate smurf in the trailer!
If that headline wasn’t enough to make you vomit blood or rectally prolapse…
“Alvin & the Chipmunks” is about to cross the $200 million box-office mark, could become the most successful family film released in 2007, and is already the highest-grossing talking animal/live-action cartoon adaptation ever. All this can only mean one thing: Chipettes. [MTV]
Uh, what?
The Chipettes are a group of female chipmunks named Brittany, Jeanette and Eleanor, who were first introduced to audiences in the early Eighties. Now, as the team behind “Alvin” begin planning the sequel, their thoughts keep returning to the little girlfriends.
God I hate children. And yet also condoms. A dilemma as old as time.
In a recent blog, David Cross addressed his participation in Alvin and the Chipmunks, and how Patton Oswalt kinda sorta but not really dissed him for it in his blog. Here’s a snip (more after the jump):
Up to working on "Alvin" I had not worked in six (SIX!) months. That is an eternity if you’re an actor. Think about not working for two months with no hope of anything on the horizon. Now triple that. It was the longest period without work since after "Ben Stiller" got cancelled (the show, not the man) and I was going nuts. I was depressed and difficult to live with. I was VERY happy to have the work. Again, no regrets.
One thing to note here is that we know that they approached at least me, Patton, and Brian. Three non-traditional funny guys who can do something with the part that isn’t on the page. I’d say the people involved with the film (at least on the creative end) have pretty good taste. They could have offered the part to Anthony Clark or Jim Breuer or Dat Phan, but then they wouldn’t be able to balance out the empty void that Jason Lee brings to the film.
It’s a fairly interesting read, and not surprisingly, more cleverly written than say, a Courtney Love blog. But you can pretty much sum it up with "I needed money and I was bored." We get it, bro, get over yourself. Hey, remember when people used to settle disputes with pistols at dawn? Thank gosh for civilization, blog duels are waaay more interesting.
"Dear Internet: Steve is a stinky jerkface. The End." I love the smell of catharsis in the morning!
I live in NYC for a reason. I enjoy it here. I have numerous creative friends and we share much of the same sensibilities. We rarely, if ever, talk about "the business", which I really like. Something that people constantly talk about in LA, which I really don’t like. This comes with a cost of course. It’s expensive to live here. I have a pretty modest lifestyle, I live in the same relatively small 1100 sq. foot apartment since I moved here. I don’t own a car, don’t go out "clubbing", and don’t really own anything of much value. I am in no way hurting for money but I guarantee you that I have much, much less than you think. The reason I bring this up is because two years ago I decided that I wanted to get a small place upstate. Nothing fancy, a small cottage on at least a couple of acres near some water where I could get out of here, get some fresh air, buy a smoker, make some b-b-q and hang out with my dog on the porch. I looked informally for a long time but never found anything that I liked in my price range. Then finally, after much disappointed searching, I did. It’s a small cottage on 5 1/2 acres in the middle of the woods in Sullivan county. It has a largish stream running through it and best of all it’s in the middle of nowhere. No town, no nothing. Two hours outside the city and only about a ten minute drive from the Delaware River. Perfect. It was a little more than I had budgeted for but it was definitely worth it. I asked the owner if he’d take some of my credibility as payment. He looked at me as if I was an alien with A.I.D.S. speaking some intergalactic gobbledy-goo. I had to patiently explain to this country bumpkin about my indie hipster cred, and I would now like to cash it in. This rural rube was so backwards and ignorant that he couldn’t even conceive of how financial markets work and simple free market capitalism. I tried again to explain the concept of the value of "credibility" and "artistic integrity" but he refused to take it in exchange for the house. This guy was a fucking idiot! But what could I do? He wouldn’t take no for an answer. If I wanted that cottage I would have to pay him money. Sigh. So I used my "Alvin and the Chipmunks" money to pay for the down payment. Seriously, I totally did.
