My panties were so moist over R-Pattz’ abstinence-induced rage sex that I scarcely noticed that the MTV Movie Awards had also debuted a new trailer for JJ Abrams’ Super 8.  Opening this weekend, it stars a group of wiener kids as a group of wiener kids in 1979 who witness an alien-related train crash while shooting an amateur film (the kids, not the alien).  Other than Elle Fanning, I don’t recognize any of the actors involved, though the cast does include the awesomely named “Britt Flatmo.”  In any case, it looks like a movie I already saw two or three times in the 80s, but then, JJ Abrams made Star Trek, and that turned out better anyone had any right to expect.  At the very least, Super 8 harkens back to a more innocent time in America, when every circle of friends had just one fat kid.

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It’s not as if most of us don’t already remember Bill Paxton in Aliens (I can’t even count how many times I’ve said “GAME OVER, MAN, GAME OVER!”).  But until this supercut of all his lines, I don’t think we truly recognized what an incredible character this was.  Everything he says is a quotable one-liner on the level of “Huh, more like chemical SUPER freak,” a lá Nic Cage in The Rock. As you’ll see in this video, Private William Hudson is like the original good-time fratty party boy, a human Spuds Mackenzie, yet a future military man (SUCH A DELICIOUS BUNDLE OF CONTRADICTIONS!).  He’s like the Entourage of the 80s, which is like the Entourage of decades.

Your mom's ready for her pelvic exam

I already want to see Paul, Greg Mottola’s homage to Mac & Me starring Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and the voice of Seth Rogen as a wacky alien, so I’m not going to watch this new red-band trailer.  But I will give you the opportunity, for I am but a humble public servant with a God-like talent for pelvic thrusts.  Paul opens March 18th in the US, but it’s already out in the UK, where it’s playing to mostly positive reviews, no small feat in a country full of critics who write like this:

“From time to time, clever ideas rear their heads, but they soon return to the film’s default setting of laddish japes.” [TheIndependant]

OH NO, NOT LADDISH JAPES!  Cor bloimey, guv, dey’s ruined da souffles dey ‘as!  Curse you, laddish japes!  (*gestures angrily with parasol*)  But like I said, the pans were in the minority.  And if you can get those splotchy-faced gravy chuckers to agree on anything for more than five seconds, you get hereditary title and an estate in York.

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Below is the new trailer for Battle: Los Angeles, which seems to have the collective arm flab of the internet all a-quiver with pre-emptive applause.  Yes, the trailer looks pretty good, very explosion-y.  But I remember thinking the same thing about Independence Day.  And this is still a movie from the director of a Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake starring Michelle Rodriguez, right?   Just checking.   (You’ll never believe this, but MichelleRod plays a hardcore Latina Marine).  So will it be the next District 9 or the next Skyline?  Either way, I guess we’ll find out on 3-11-2011.

Well, you’ll find out anyway.  That’s the day *I* celebrate 311 day, by taking giant b-loads and bumping “Come Original.”   Whoa, dude, did he just say “amber is the color of my energy?”  That’s, like, (*bong load*) …deep, brah.  (*coughs)

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This is the new international trailer for Battle: Los Angeles, from Jonathan Liebsman, (acclaimed director of… uh… the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake), starring Aaron Eckhardt and Aaron Eckhardt’s chin dimple.   I hope you like alien-invasion movies, because there’s going to be a lot of them.  Besides this one, which makes Roland Emmerich all misty with nostalgia, there’s Skyline, Battleship (the ships fight aliens, if you’ll remember), JJ Abrams’ Super 8, and probably a couple more I’m forgetting.  So far I have to rank Battle: Los Angeles slightly above Skyline on account of the trailer not having awesome dialog like “NO!”, “LOOK OUT!”, and “THEY’RE COMING THIS WAY!” every three seconds.

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