“How to wrap a cat for Christmas.” Merry Catmas.

DAILY CIRCLE JERK LINKS

• See?  I told you Johnny Depp’s Mad Hatter looked like Madonna. |via Thatissogay|
• This news team video is like the real-life Anchorman. |WarmingGlow|
• The year in Fail.  Aka people falling down. |CollegeHumor via WithLeather|
• Here’s a Walrus fellating himself.  Know what this reminds me of?  You guessed it, your mom. |HolyTaco|
• The Cliff’s Notes version of Lost.  Hey, who’s Cliff?  Why the f*ck doesn’t he ever read anything? |ScreenJunkies|
• Here’s George Lucas on The Daily Show claiming children like Jar Jar Binks.  His bullfrog neck is looking more deflated than usual, I wonder if he’s okay.  |GammaSquad|
• The year in 120 seconds. |Urlesque|
• Here’s that Avatar parody thing Olivia Munn and Eva Amurri were making. OLIVIA MUNN NAKED AND TOPLESS sadly doesn’t make an appearance.  UPSKIRT NIPSLIPS GOOGLE. |G4|
• The 10 best netflix gems of 2009. |Pajiba|
• Mike Tyson chases down a paparazzo at LAX.  Said paparazzo, “He effed me until I loved him.”  Maybe. |Guyism|

Disney just released the third trailer for Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland and though Johnny Depp still looks like Madonna with too much makeup, this one actually delivers a ton of new footage.  It also has more plot.  “Since you’ve been gone,” Johnny Depp says, “the Red Queen has taken over all of Wonderland.  Help us make the world right again.”

Whoa whoa whoa, evil took over the world and only Alice can help?  What the hell is this, Lord of the Rings?  Narnia?  But then Helena Carter demanded a live pig on which to rest her aching feet and all was right again.  (trailer and gallery after the jump)

Read the rest of this entry »

After releasing a couple separate posters last week, Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland marketing team has now combined them all into one glorious triptych — click the picture above a couple times and it’ll get bigger, like your sister’s clit (too far?).  It opens March 5th, and as far as Tim Burton joints go, I’m hoping it’ll be more Sleepy Hollow than Planet of the Apes.  My favorite part of the poster is the rabbit in the suit holding up the clock.  It’s like the Disney version of a Public Enemy record, and I like that.  All rap should be more like this.  Bunnies are less threatening.

[via /Film]

When I posted the first poster for Alice in Wonderland, Tim Burton’s adaptation of Lewis Carroll’s book about how awesome it is to give drugs to young girls, I wondered aloud why the lead and Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter weren’t in it.  Guess they were just saving them for this one.  Here’s Mia Wasikowska in trademark Burton pale tiptoeing through a magical garden or magic mushrooms and old people flowers.  Cor bloimey, guv, moy rabbit ‘as got pink eye, ‘e does!  Bot dat’s wot ‘e gets for sniffin’ me knickas, Oy s’pose.

[via Wired]

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: Which classic children’s book has become the best film?

Yeah, so the headline’s pretty self-explanamatory.  This is the poster for Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland, opening March 5th in annoying 3D. It stars Mia Wasikowska as Alice (curiously absent from the poster, as is Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter), Helena Bonham Carter as the Red Queen, Anne Hathaway as the White Queen, the Cheshire Cat (voiced by Stephen Fry), and Matt Lucas as Tweedledee and Tweedledum.  Hey, whatever keeps him from doing another season of Little Britain. I can’t tell if that show is terrible, or if it’s just mediocre and the horrendous laugh track is what makes it seem so loathsome.  And I can’t make fun of his weird bald look because he has alopecia, but I will say that those horizontal stripes are doing him NO favors.  *bitchily sips flirtini*

[via /Film]