UPDATE 10:41 ET: This version should work:

Piranha 3D had its release date pushed back to August because of money problems at The Weinstein Company, but despite reports saying they might not be able to afford 3D,  the trailer still says “Piranha 3D.”  It’s pretty much what you’d expect — tits, piranhas, Christopher Lloyd, etc. — it basically writes itself.  The plot is that everyone, even Eli Roth, has come out for a wild time at Spring Break at Lake Victoria, except *record snatch* it’s filled with piranhas.  “Lake Victoria” is an odd choice, because the only Lake Victoria I know of is in Africa, which, as I read in National Geographic for Xenophobes, isn’t so much a Spring Break destination as it is a rape destination, or a parasites crawling up your pee hole destination.  Now that I think about it, that actually does sound like Spring Break.

[hat tip: ScreenJunkies]

Oscar winner and Jaws star Richard Dreyfuss has won a part in the remake of Piranha, Piranha 3-D. My sources tell me he hopes to show his range as an actor, proving that he can successfully portray menace by fish of all size, habitat, and dimension.  Unless of course it turns out that the piranha in question is huge and lives in the ocean, in which case, talk about a one-trick pony.  Seriously, man, you should’ve stopped after Krippendorf’s Tribe.

Elisabeth Shüe, whose name I insist on spelling with an umlaut, is doing great. And by “great” I mean “starring in a movie called PIRANHA 3D!” (actual title doesn’t have caps or an exclamation point, I just thought it was warranted).

Look, I understand remaking Scarface (the 1932 version) or The Manchurian Candidate, but honestly, how long do you think it took the filmmakers to come up with the original Piranha?  Even in a weed-induced coma it couldn’t be more than 20 minutes.  Would it be that hard to come up with a new concept?  “Killer _____s in 3D!”  And the blank can be ANY NOUN.  It would be just as good as this.  …Except for “lab puppies”, ’cause I would try to wrestle the screen and make it give me kisses.  Haha, I love you, Patches.

UPDATE: I now realize it’s spelled “Elisabeth” (thanks, Donkey Hodey).  You’ve screwed me again, English spellings!