Tyler Perry as Alex Cross as Denzel Washington in Flight. I told you he was so undercover.

I can’t sugarcoat it: this is a terrible week for new DVDs.  Besides Alex Cross and Flight (which, to be fair, many people liked), there’s new films starring Kevin James, Andy Samberg, Christopher Walken, Olivia Wilde, Miley Cyrus, Ving Rhames, and Rob Schneider.  There’s movies about musicians, the mafia, and the mechanics of making movies. There’s criminals, florists, and mixed martial artists.  There’s even a movie about talking babies!

The DVDs:
Flight
Alex Cross
Here Comes The Boom
Celeste And Jesse Forever
A Late Quartet
Deadfall
So Undercover
Mafia
You May Not Kiss The Bride
Yelling To The Sky
In Our Nature
Side By Side
Little White Lies
Caught On Tape
Toys In The Attic
The Bouquet
The Dynamiter
The Solomon Bunch
Baby Geniuses And The Mystery Of The Crown Jewels
The Whole Truth

Streaming: Check out your choices here.

Want to know which movie is about talking babies?  Continue reading to find out. Intrigued by the The Dynamiter?  Well then, continue reading.  Already recognize titles like So Undercover and want to head straight to the Netflix page?  Click the link above and this week nobody will hold it against you, but if you do you’ll never know about Rob Schneider and the bicycle bell sound effect.

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“Hey, God’s laughing at us!”

If you ask me, there’s no greater way of branding a movie a failure than by including it in the annual FilmDrunk Worst Movies feature, but some more traditional people believe that the Razzies are actually the ultimate decider of cinematic disgust and scorn. Either way, it’s no secret that Hollywood produces some incredibly horrible movies each year, and many of them come from repeat offenders. Thankfully, the Razzies keep track of these miscreants and their horrible films so that we can hurl figurative feces in their direction each February.

The one glaring difference between my Worst Movies feature and the Razzies, though, is that while I have sworn to exclude Happy Madison films out of fairness to the other movies that were legitimately terrible, the Golden Raspberry Award Foundation thrives in its contempt for all things Adam Sandler. Sandler’s not alone, though, as the Razzies committee has quite a few recurring targets, and this year’s nominations are hardly going to shock you.

[Vince's Note: I hate the Razzies. The most impressive thing about the Razzies is that they've been around since 1981 and have yet to make a single interesting or ballsy nomination. I might respect them if I thought they actually watched a lot of movies and voted for their worst, but instead they just choose the movies that are most socially acceptable to hate and hope someone in the cast will show up to their dopey ceremony. What's the point?]

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After last year’s Worst Movies feature, I received feedback from some readers and Twitter folk about me possibly being “too negative” and “mean” when it came to criticizing films that I chose to watch for this annual hate crime report. Some people even pulled the “What movies have you written?” card, which is cheap because I can just turn around and ask what dog they’ve ever photoshopped a mustache on, and BOOM – argument over.

Hundreds, if not thousands, of films are made each year, and a lot of them are bad. That’s not just by my standards; that’s by the standards of the majority. I have never, in the several years that Vince has let me poison the quality of his website, proclaimed to be a critic. I am just a bro who likes watching movies, and I have a naïve innocence that lets me still believe that people in Hollywood care about making quality films. Then I watch Bucky Larson and that gullible side of me is shoved into a wood chipper.

So how, then, do I determine which of the many, many mainstream films that I have watched in 2012 are the absolute worst of the worst of the WORST? It’s a little pinch of common sense mixed with a dash of “Come on, that’s just f*cking awful”. But I also have some rules, and let’s review them now…

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Before Vince’s favorite baseball team knocked America’s favorite team, the St. Louis Cardinals, out of the playoffs, I got to watch TBS a little more than just for Seinfeld reruns, and I noticed that Tyler Perry has yet another show debuting on the “Very Funny” network. Judging by the one commercial that I watched before I could successfully roll over and find the remote, Tyler Perry’s For Better or Worse is a show about a woman who sets her husband’s car on fire and he just laughs about it because women, right?

But that’s pretty much par for the course in Tyler Perry’s world, which is shielded from criticism and hatred by the O(prah)-zone layer, as well as the hundreds of millions of dollars that he rakes in for dressing as a woman. Yet we should give him credit for trying to escape that bubble and proving to all of us haters that he can be so much more with his turn as Alex Cross in Alex Cross, the man you can’t cross. Of course, everyone pretty much hated that movie, which is why today’s mash-up movie trailer is so spectacular.

The fine folks at Buddy System uploaded this trailer for a new, more Tyler Perry-esque version of Alex Cross, and I would absolutely pay $15 to see it.

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Tyler Perry demonstrating the subtlety of his plots

The new wide releases this weekend were Alex Cross and Paranormal Activity 4. Predicably, Paranormal Activity made $30 million, sextupling its $5 million budget, while BoxOfficeMojo says “though its comparatively underwhelming gross suggests audiences are growing tired of the perennial horror franchise.” Yep, it’s underwhelming audiences all the way to the bank, just like it was designed to.

Meanwhile, Tyler Perry hoped he could expand his output from hokey melodrama to hokey thriller, playing Alex Cross in a film called Alex Cross with a tagline “don’t ever cross Alex Cross.” It’s not quite a lawyer named deeds learning the value of good deeds in a film called Good Deeds, but it’s close. Sadly, it didn’t work. Alex Cross ever had the worst-ever opening ($11.75 million) for a Tyler Perry starrer and the worst opening for a movie featuring the Alex Cross character (previously: Kiss the Girls, Along Came a Spider). I guess the world just wasn’t ready for a film about a homicidal serial killer who targets the wife of the detective sent to catch him. Sometimes you’re just ahead of your time, you know? Maybe the world will catch up in time for the sequel.

OTHER NOTES: Argo fell only 15 percent from its opening weekend, “the best hold ever for a live-action movie in over 3,000 theaters that’s released outside of November and December (when holiday weekends skew results).” Maybe it can win an award for the most conditional record.

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