Here’s the latest trailer for Rock of Ages, starring Tom Cruise, Alec Baldwin, Russell Brand, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Julianne Hough, and the invisible grinning face of Satan. This warmed-over pile of stupid clichés and pandering is impressive only the sense that I think I actually barted when I saw it. That’s when you barf and fart at the same time.

Not even a baboon in a leather jacket could get me to see this.

Boy, what would attractive white kids do without wise black folks to give them advice but not hog any of their spotlight? I hope this movie gets cancer.

From the director of Hairspray…

Aw, crap. I don’t know if I–

Based on the hit Broadway musical…

Um, yeeeah, you know, this doesn’t exactly sound like my cup of t–

Starring Tom Cruise…

Waiter! Check please!

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The news today for Tom Cruise’s latest project, Rock of Ages, is that Saturday Night Live’s Will Forte is joining the cast of this Broadway-to-big-screen musical adaptation. Forte joins Cruise, Russell Brand, Alec Baldwin, Bryan Cranston, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Malin Akerman’s super hot self, among others, for this star-studded celebration of the Tony-nominated musical.

Cruise is playing 80s rock superstar Stacee Jaxx and you can see from the image above that he’s hardly sacrificing his trademark manliness that he’s so well-known for these days. Don’t you worry about that, friends, because his woman, Katie Holmes, says that he’s still a boss.

“Two years ago he took me up on his P-51 Mustang, a fighter plane from World War II. He painted the words, ‘Kiss Me, Kate’ on the side,” Holmes says in the August issue of InStyle. “It feels like you’re on a bike in the sky. I thought, I’m either going to spend this whole flight totally freaked out or realize this is pretty thrilling.” (Via People)

When they landed, Katie wrapped her arms around Tom’s neck and moved in to kiss him, but he pulled back and said, “Stop it! You’re messing up my scarf!”

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Holy crap - is that Bad Ass Billy Gunn?

This news is a few days old, but it’s developing quickly and we had a little too much moonshine at the Uproxx Weiner Eating Contest so you’ll deal with it. Adam McKay has decided that instead of just producing Will Ferrell’s next project, Three Mississippi, he’s going to direct it with the hopes of again capitalizing off of the successful chemistry between Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg, as the two will star as rivals from different families that gather annually for a tackle football game.

The ensemble comedy’s script comes from 30 Rock executive producer Robert Carlock and Friends executive producer Scott Silveri. It follows two neighboring families as they do battle in an annual Thanksgiving game of front-lawn tackle football that’s grown increasingly nasty over the years. (Friends fans may recall a similarly intense Thanksgiving-set football happening.)

McKay had already been aboard the project as a producer, but told EW that he wasn’t planning on directing it. Now we hear he’s making it his next project, and that Warners hopes to have it in theaters come next Thanksgiving. (Vulture)

The name of this film was originally Turkey Bowl, but they presumably changed it because Kevin Smith just released his own film called Turkey Bowl, and I assume it’s about a 12-layered dish that can be eaten for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Three Mississippi will also star Alec Baldwin as Wahlberg’s father and I’m sure they’ll have someone equally established as Ferrell’s father, a la James Caan or Robert Duvall. In fact, I’ll predict that Ferrell’s father is either Robert DeNiro or Clint Eastwood, unless he’d like to leave Pink Cadillac as his final comedic performance. And I’m sure they’ll have some hot actresses playing their wives, adorable and quirky children, hilarious cameos, funny accents, loud shouting, and I’ll ultimately leave this movie thinking, “How the hell is it so difficult for you, Sandler?”

When the Oscars takes place on March 7th, it will be hosted by Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin.  It seemed a little weird when it was announced, like it was planned to promote that crappy movie they were in together, but I’m still less worried about them being hosts than I am about the telecast being produced by a guy who frequently breaks down in tears while judging So You Think You Can Dance.  Nonetheless, it seems he actually had an interesting idea for the show:

The always-candid Adam Shankman revealed on NPR that when he and Mechanic first met for lunch, they immediately agreed that the person who should host the show would be none other than Sacha Baron Cohen.  Would Cohen have appeared as himself — the Cambridge-educated Brit who was nominated for an Oscar three years ago for writing “Borat”? Or as one of his comedy alter egos? Unfortunately, we’ll never know. For, Shankman said, just as quickly as they told the Academy of their idea, “the Academy swatted it down. They thought it was too big of a wild card.” [Yahoo]

Poor Sacha, it’d be a much more interesting telecast with the possibility of something unpredictable happening.  It’s a shame — when is a Jew finally going to catch a break in this town?