Dammit. I know I already compiled my list of best “should be a movie” stories of 2010, but this definitely would’ve made the list.  Take a lesson, aspiring journalists, now THIS is how you write a news lede.

A Serbian man reportedly has become a hero in Egypt — by accidentally killing a shark with his butt while drunk.

(*weeps tears of joy*)

Dragan Stevic was soused to the gills [I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE! -Ed] while partying at the Red Sea resort Sharm El Sheikh when he inadvertently felled the beast that had been terrorizing tourists for weeks.

Stevic cannonballed into the water from a high-diving board, according to a Macedonian news agency. [they have a diving board at the ocean? or was the shark in a pool? -Ed]

Instead of making a splash, he came down right on the shark’s head, killing the toothed terror instantly.

The fun-loving party boy was immediately touted as a local hero who saved tourist season, which had dried up after the shark had injured three people and killed one vacationer.

Stevic swam to shore and is currently in the hospital recovering from alcohol poisoning. [NYPost]

“Hello, Michael Bay? Yeah, gas up the hovercraft. That’s right, a shark. AND HE KILLED IT WITH HIS BUTT.”

Man, if this Serb with the butt that kills sharks teamed up with Melissa Lee Williams’ poisonous vag, they’d be an unstoppable killing machine.

^{Can’t remember where this picture came from.}

Sorry I couldn’t work a question mark into this headline, but I should have because the story is highly dubious.  According to Radar Online, who claimed an exclusive, David Hasselhoff was rushed to Cedars-Sinai by his 16-year-old daughter and ex-wife, where he was treated for alcohol poisoning. Which is easily the funnest kind of poisoning.

This time the vodka-guzzling “America’s Got Talent” judge registered a staggering .39. alcohol level. Drunk driving in California is .08.  [Radar]

Holy sh*t, .39 Blood-Alcohol Content (if by “alcohol level” that’s what they mean and I assume they do) is not recreational-alcoholic-overdoing-it level alcohol poisoning, it’s Ukranian-vagrant-chugging-windex level alcohol poisoning.  TMZ, also claiming an exclusive, quotes Hasselhoff’s lawyer as saying Hasselhoff was fine and that the story was cooked up by his ex-wife in order to further discredit him.  What’s the real story?  I don’t know. I don’t even care. I just needed an excuse to watch this puffy doofus eat a hamburger off the floor again.
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