"Remember when I said I'd kill you last, AIDS? I lied."

Alex is a 9-year old Tanzania kid with a clean bill of health and a hunger for good, old American movie violence. He’s the face of a new campaign from Mama Hope to show ignorant Westerners like me that Africa isn’t just starvation and AIDS and genocide. It’s a place of greater hope and treasures like smart children, unique cultures and Charlize Theron. When Alex learned that the Mama Hope people were from California he busted into a 15-minute retelling of the movie Commando, which is my second favorite movie about kidnapping and revenge behind Hotel For Dogs.

While Alex is incredibly cool and definitely way better than Lights Camera Jackson, I think we should send movies like Commando to evil dictators and genocidal leaders in Africa with notes that read: “He’s coming for you.” And then we send Arnold Schwarzenegger over as a diplomat, oblivious to the fact that we sent his movie over, and watch them all freak out. Boom, world peace, son.

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A public health campaign in Southern California could soon change the way we masturbate.

In response to pressure from AIDS Healthcare Foundation officials, state regulators are poised to consider amending state law to require condom use in adult film production.
On Thursday, the California Division of Occupational Safety and Health standards board is scheduled to consider a petition the foundation filed in December to change state law and require condom use and other safe sex protections for adult-film workers, including increased safety training and testing for sexually transmitted diseases.
The foundation, a Los Angeles-based advocacy group, has been pressuring regulators and the porn industry to better safeguard the health of adult-film performers since an HIV outbreak among Los Angeles-based performers in 2004, Weinstein said. [LA Times]

Since I happen to know a little something about the porn industry, I know that the outbreak in question started with Darren James, who had been filming in Brazil.  When he came back, he took a test (currently required for all porn actors) too soon, it came back negative, and he ended up infecting a Canadian porn star named Lara Roxx, who’d only been in the business three months.  Yes, that really sucks.  But perhaps I’m biased, seeing as how I like seeing condoms in my porn about as much as I like seeing condoms in my poop (too far?), but it seems like requiring condoms in all porn is kind of like killing a gnat with a bazooka, when better testing regulations would do the trick.  Or maybe they should just stop filming scenes with such dirty sluts.  I mean half the time it’s right there in the title, they’re practically advertising it.

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(Do you enjoy mustache rides, but also scabies?)

Don’t adjust your monitors, folks, I know it looks like they dug up Freddy Mercury’s corpse and died its hair blond and gave it more AIDS, but that’s just Daniel Craig in the first publicity photo for the Broadway show A Steady Rain, co-starring Hugh Jackman.

Jackman, who won a Tony in 2004 for hoofing it as 1970s singer-songwriter Peter Allen in The Boy From Oz, plays Denny, a patrolman with a racist streak and violent temper. And Craig, a London stage veteran making his Broadway debut, plays Joey, a recovering alcoholic and gentler soul who may not be as docile as he first seems. [EW]

To recap: blah blah blah holy God that is the ugliest f’ing mustache I’ve ever seen, and I’ve had sex with your mother.  It’s like Hugh Jackman figured out how to combine a Golden Shower and a Dirty Sanchez into one, and he probably did because he’s fancy.

That’s right, it’s my birthday.  Which means I wrote this post yesterday, when I wasn’t hungover and covered in filth and shame. And yes, my birthday is more important than the Oscars.

Movie titles if they were honest. [CollegeHumor]

17 Oscar Categories We’d Like to See. Wait, Anne Hathaway got naked in Rachel Getting Married? Don’t toy with me. [ScreenJunkies]

Mr. Bananas writes editorial on recent monkey* attack. [HolyTaco]

Seriously? Glenn Danzig’s going to be on Rock of Love? I’m only on board with this if at some point he commands a contestant to “MASTABATE ME/AND THEN SLURP IT FROM YA PAAALM…” [AfroJacks]

The Oscar Speech Generator is pretty sweet. You can read what I got after the jump. [Atom]

DO NOT WANT. Fruitcake says Dragonball 2 has already been written. [Scifinow]

Chuck Norris tells Haley Joel Osment he has AIDS. This clip is both old and well-known, but I never get tired of it. [Videogum]

And speaking of AIDS, check out this AIDS-related poster auction.  I’m only bidding to help Haley Joel. [CHUD]

20 Movies You Didn’t Know Won Oscars. [BestWeekEver]

*I realize a chimp technically isn’t a monkey. Monkey still sounds better. Now stop emailing me.

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