I get the dismissive wanks in my wrist every time I report one of these Star Wars or superhero rumors, but God help us, everyone on the internet is obsessed with this stuff. Unless the revolution is fought with bacon and misplaced nostalgia, we’re all f*cked. Anyway, we already know that Disney bought LucasFilm and hired JJ Abrams to direct Star Wars VII. Now, Harry Knowles says Disney will also be making “stand-alone” Star Wars movies, starting with one about Yoda. Obnoxious, I’m sure a whole movie of that won’t be.

But really, what’s Disney going to be doing with these STAND ALONE films…
Well, to start with they’re going to focus on established characters and do solo films, no, not necessarily Han Solo films, but well, f*ck it…   The first Stand Alone film is going to center upon YODA.  At this stage specifics are sparse, but Kathleen Kennedy is putting together a STAR WARS slate…  I’m wildly curious for more details on the YODA film – would this be a young or old YODA tale?
Knowing that Lucasfilm is doing a series of stand alone character features…  I wonder if Joe Johnston has pitched Kennedy his stand alone BOBA FETT film he was talking about after the release of Captain America.   Hmmmmm…   Now, let’s chase after YODA details…  Where’s FRANK OZ?  Giggle.  Gotta love chasing STAR WARS stories!  Oh – and I’ve also heard tale of a JABBA story that Lucas has floated to some of his buddies.  But word is YODA is first. [AICN]

George Lucas has “buddies?” I’m assuming that means his stuffed animals. Anyway, it’s hard to say how preliminary the talk is at this point. Does anyone care about a Yoda movie? Hypothetically speaking? Other than an eager Andy Serkis, hopefully fitting himself with pointy ears in preparation? See, this is my problem with the Star Wars phenomenon in a nutshell. I like the first three movies fine, but Disney buying Lucasfilm was sort of like Coke buying A&W root beer. Will they make new root beer?? I mean, I guess. Put it this way, I’ve seen Pulp Fiction countless times and would’ve called it my favorite movie for many years, but if you told me Miramax was making a stand-alone movie about Butch the boxer, I imagine my reaction would be something along the lines of “Huh? Why?”

I’ll be interested in this only if they cast Luis Guzman as Yoda’s sidekick, and he starts all of his lines with “Mira, Joda!” Obi Juan Kenobi, say.

Pictured: An average movie blogger

I’m putting myself at severe risk of contracting dandruff and pink eye to report to you the following news: Morgan Spurlock will be teaming up with Joss Whedon, AintItCoolNews founder Harry Knowles, and Stan Lee to create a documentary about Comic-Con.  Hmm, I think I liked this better when it was narrated by Olivia Munn in a Slave Leia outfit. (*takes drag on inhaler*)

Deflect my spell, Hollywood Reporter.  LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT!

Spurlock, who was nominated for an Oscar for his “Super Size Me” documentary, is directing. Shooting begins in June, tracking its subjects to this year’s Comic-Con, which runs July 21-25 in San Diego.  Knowles, Whedon and Lee are on board in undetermined consulting roles.

“Comic-Con Episode Four: A Fan’s Hope” will, in the worlds of the film’s makers, “follow seven different people from across America, and around the world, as they descend upon the veritable Mecca of fandom and experience the rapture that is Comic-Con.”

I think by “rapture”, they mean that it’s like driving along when all of a sudden, all the world’s non-nerds are simultaneously miracled into heaven, and everyone that’s left behind gets herded into a big auditorium where porn stars stand around trying to sell you Krod Mandoon DVDs.

Courtesy of Harry at AICN, here are five minutes of Roland Emmerich’s 2012.  For which Harry’s headline is “5 Bugnuts Insane Wholly Beetledick Wow Minutes!”  Seriously, the guy writes like Japanese ad copy translated into English with Babelfish*.  Do you think he means the wow minutes are wholly beetledick?  Or was he trying to shout “holy beetledick”?  I guess it’s best just to move on.

Anyway, the video.  It… is beyond ludicrous.  It makes Transformers 2 look like a nature documentary.  They drive through LA in a limo while the EVERYTHING COLLAPSES and all of a sudden they’re DRIVING THROUGH A SMASHING BUILDING!  And then suddenly, they’re IN AN AIRPLANE FOR SOME REASON!!  Why are they flying so low to the ground?? SO THEY CAN SEE THE SMASHING!!  And then, and then… JESUS’S ARMS FALL OFF HIS BODY IN BRAZIL!  Why would just his arms fall off?  BECAUSE ASTEROIDS AND MONEY!   God, this looks amazing.  I guarantee you right now, Roland Emmerich is watching tsunami footage and wearing a ball gag while his mistress stomps on his nuts and makes explosion sounds.

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Just when you thought this day couldn’t get any creepier after that George Lucas story: Harry Knowles posted a clip of Sly Stallone working out.  You know, because watching an HGH-enhanced, 62-year-old man working out shirtless is an essential part of any movie fan’s day, right guys?

“While playing around with a bit of work out footage of Stallone hitting it real hard with weights – he decided that his buddies in Talkback deserved a look at how Stallone was getting chiseled. So, without further ado, here’s the man sweating and glistening.”

Phew, that was good.  I think I’m gonna go jerk off.  Anyone want to spot me?  UNH!! YEAAARRRRRGHHH!!!

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^{[picture source]}

Harry Knowles from fanboy site Aintitcool has seen the Christian Bale tirade make the rounds, but to him, it’s not a story.  That’s why he’s taking the high road and not publicizing it, unlike the rest of us sleaze guzzling shame peddlers.  And by “not publicizing it”, I mean giving it a longer shelf life by providing his own thirdhand version of the same story.

Hey folks, Harry here… I’m getting slammed with assloads of people angry at me for not posting the Bale explosion from the set of McG’s TERMINATOR: SALVATION. Well, first off – there’s a real simple reason. It isn’t news. And it certainly isn’t cool news. It is a moment in a man’s life taken completely out of context and most likely leaked to personally embarrass Christian Bale.

HAHAHA, DID HE JUST SAY “I’M GETTING SLAMMED WITH ASSLOADS???” THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!

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