Here we have the trailer for 2016, a movie from Ghana which seems to be set four years in the future, in a time when both Terminators and Predators roam the Earth. It’s basically the super-low-budget version of that Indian movie where a giant robot snake slithers around eating cars, with all the gloriousness that would imply. To put it succinctly, a Predator kills a lady with a car and then kicks a baby.

Oh, but that’s not all. Let’s see if I can provide a full plot summary:

• A Predator says something scary in a robot voice.
• This causes a young boy walking down a street somewhere to be attacked by a flying motorcycle, which cracks open his skull.
• A predator shoots a bullet from his chest and a dude dodges it, Matrix-style
• The predator throws a ninja star, which is also dodged.
• The ninja star continues flying, only to be stopped in mid-air by a TERMINATOR, who deflects it using some kind of forcefield.
• The Terminator pulls a Lamborghini out of thin air and throws it on top of a lady. The lady had been sitting in the middle of the street for some reason.
• A cell phone explodes
• A dude explodes
• The predator kicks a car
• A dude dodges the car
• The predator kicks him in the face
• THE PREDATOR KICKS A BABY!
• The trailer ends in mid shot.

And if you liked “2016,” you’ll LOVE “12:00,” which appears to have been shot on the same two streets.

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This narrowly missed out on being a Twilight poster before it was deemed "a little too real"

After my award-winning post about Polish movie posters — okay, so I didn’t actually win any “awards,” but I did get lots of pageviews (*pulls out stack of singles*) Here’s my best blogger ever award number one (*stuffs down own G-string*), here’s my best blogger ever award number two… — I thought I’d follow up with another post about another Unlikely Bastion of Wacky Movie Posters: Africa.  Okay, so it’s not exactly “unlikely.”  Africa is pretty much a bastion of wacky everything.  And I’m here to tell you, movie posters aren’t much different.  And it should probably surprise you none at all to learn that people who’ve probably experienced real gore on occasion are well inclined towards vivid gore on movie posters.  Hell, half of these were probably painted with the guts of an albino kid they thought was magic.  I kid, I kid.  Actually, a lot of them come from Ghana:

In the 1980s video cassette technology made it possible for “mobile cinema” operators in Ghana to travel from town to town and village to village creating temporary cinemas. The touring film group would create a theatre by hooking up a TV and VCR onto a portable generator and playing the films for the people to see.

In order to promote these showings, artists were hired to paint large posters of the films (usually on used canvas flour sacks). The artists were given the artistic freedom to paint the posters as they desired – often adding elements that weren’t in the actual films, or without even having seen the movies. [Source]

I wish they did posters like that in America.  It would probably cut down on lame ass posters like this.

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"Remember when I said I'd kill you last, AIDS? I lied."

Alex is a 9-year old Tanzania kid with a clean bill of health and a hunger for good, old American movie violence. He’s the face of a new campaign from Mama Hope to show ignorant Westerners like me that Africa isn’t just starvation and AIDS and genocide. It’s a place of greater hope and treasures like smart children, unique cultures and Charlize Theron. When Alex learned that the Mama Hope people were from California he busted into a 15-minute retelling of the movie Commando, which is my second favorite movie about kidnapping and revenge behind Hotel For Dogs.

While Alex is incredibly cool and definitely way better than Lights Camera Jackson, I think we should send movies like Commando to evil dictators and genocidal leaders in Africa with notes that read: “He’s coming for you.” And then we send Arnold Schwarzenegger over as a diplomat, oblivious to the fact that we sent his movie over, and watch them all freak out. Boom, world peace, son.

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Dammit, Paul Hogan, this constant one-upping has to stop.

Yep, this should be a movie.  That’s the tenuous link to movies I’m using.  Deal with it.  God help you if you complain about me reporting the story of A CROCODILE THAT KILLED 19 PEOPLE ON A PLANE.  It’s quite possibly the most metal thing ever to have happened. It didn’t happen in Florida, so that pretty much leaves Africa.

A STOWAWAY crocodile on a flight escaped from its carrier bag and sparked an onboard stampede that caused the flight to crash, killing 19 passengers and crew.
The croc had been hidden in a passenger’s sports bag – allegedly with plans to sell it – but it tore loose and ran amok, sparking panic.
A stampede of terrified passengers caused the small aircraft to lose balance and tip over in mid-air during an internal flight in the Democratic Republic of Congo.
The unbalanced load caused the aircraft, on a routine flight from the capital, Kinshasa, to the regional airport at Bandundu, to go into a spin and crash into a house.
A lone survivor from the Let 410 plane told the astonishing tale to investigators.

A crocodile in a sports bag.  Yep, that’s pretty much how I imagine Africa.  BUT WAIT, IT GETS BETTER!

Ironically the crocodile also survived the crash but was later killed with a machete by rescuers sifting through the wreckage. [news.com.au -thanks to "EnglishPrick" for the tip]

To add further irony, my sources say the rescuer just happened to be carrying the machete in a sports bag, as he planned to sell it later that day.  Man, I hope African Alanis Morissette writes a song about this.  “It’s like AAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDS, on your wedd-ing daaaay….”

“He packed his suuuuuuuitcase, with a crocodie yayile…”

_{This is just like a dream I’ve always had!  *Orgasm*}

Adopted, written and directed by Pauly Shore, is a quasi-documentary about Pauly Shore’s trip to Africa to adopt a child.  He’s one fish that’s WAY out of water!  *record scratch sound effect*

For hundreds of years, Africa has existed in a state of despair. Famine, civil wars and rampant disease have left the continent without hope, but for the efforts of Western do-gooders. At first, they arrived with food, bibles and the magic of penicillin; more recently they have hosted rock concerts and sent plane loads of grain. And in the last decade of the 20th century they arrived and took babies home with them. First there was Angelina, then Madonna [both in the first decade of the 21st century akshully], and now…Pauly Shore! [IMDB – written by Pauly Shore]

Dare I say it, this… actually… looks… funny.  …I can’t believe that just came out of my keyboard.  *burns computer, sacrifices a chicken*
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