Let’s just get this out there at the start: Offer Schlomi, aka Vince Offer, aka Vince from Shamwow, directed and co-wrote a film starring Michelle Rodriguez, Rob Schneider, Lindsay Lohan, and Adrien Brody, and that film has found a distributor. I’m passing out this article next time I hear someone complain about the economy.

The infamous omnibus film “InAPPropriate Comedy” — the brainchild of “ShamWow!” impresario Vince Offer — will get a theatrical release courtesy of Freestyle Releasing, which has picked up North American rights to the project. The company will also release the film on DVD and VOD through its Freestyle Digital Media.

I can’t find anything written about this project that gives some clue as to why it has “APP” capitalized in the middle of the title – is it a play on words? Is the movie about iPhone apps? Appetizers? – but that’s exactly the kind of out-of-the-box comedic thinking that got Rob Schneider where he is today.

Lindsay Lohan, Michelle Rodriguez, Rob Schneider and Adrien Brody are the most high-profile stars that appear in the series of sketches that make up the film. Offer directed and co-wrote the script with Ari Shaffir and Ken Pringle. Robert B. Shapiro produced along with Ken Pringle for Square One Entertainment.
“‘InAPPropriate Comedy’ totally delivers to the ‘Jackass’ and ‘Borat’ audience,” said Freestyle co-president Susan Jackson. “We are also delighted to be working with director Vince Offer, whose experience and following from his remarkable direct marketing successes will prove invaluable to the promotion of the film.” [Indiewire]

I like to imagine Chris Pontius looked up from a freshly-chugged pint glass of horse semen and said, “Hey hey hey, you leave us out of this, we have a little something called integrity.”

Interestingly enough, this isn’t a departure for the Shamwow Guy, it’s actually a return to his roots.

Vince Offer wrote, directed, and starred in a 1999 movie called The Underground Comedy Movie, which was a sketch comedy film. To say that Vince’s movie was panned by critics would be quite an understatement. The New York Times claimed, “The Underground Comedy Movie stands as a monument to ineptitude and self-delusion.” Entertainment Weekly rated the movie an “F” and said of Vince Offer, “He’s got a second grader’s notion of satire.” The public doesn’t seem to like this movie any better than the critics: The average user rating on Netflix is 1.6 (out of 5) and caustic comments like “This movie was by far the worst movie I ever saw” appear with some regularity. [InfomercialHell]

Offer’s unsourced Wikipedia profile also says that the movie bankrupted him and spawned several lawsuits, which sort of makes it sound like the dangerously offensive film it tried to bill itself as in infomercials, until you read on and realize that most of the lawsuits in question were filed by Offer himself:

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I mean, they could have been twin sisters.

As soon as she’s done with her probation and community service in March, America’s freckled, chain-smoking sweetheart, Lindsay Lohan, is going to be free to resume doing that thing she used to do… sh*t, what was it called again? When she was in those things with the other people and they said stuff and someone yelled, “Cut!” Oh yeah, work!

First up, Lohan will host Saturday Night Live, because what better way for the show to remain consistent coming off one of the funniest episodes in years than by handing hosting duties over to a girl whose greatest contribution to comedy has been her driving record? After that, though, she’ll get serious once again as Elizabeth Taylor in the Lifetime movie, Liz & Dick.

How serious? TMZ is all like, “Mad serious, haterz!”

Lindsay is telling friends, she’s taking her new gig extremely seriously — “obsessing over getting the part right” for the film.

According to sources, Lindsay is doing nothing but watching old Liz Taylor movies to help her recreate the Hollywood icon’s posture, speech, and every other little detail.

We’re told Lindsay has also been watching old Liz interviews online and reading a bunch of Liz biographies.

I wish that for consistency Dina Lohan would actually change her name to Sources. “Sources Lohan, line one!” they’d yell as she calls in to let reporters know that it wasn’t Lindsay driving the getaway car from that jewelry store.

Later this year, Lohan is also starring alongside Rob Schneider and… Adrien Brody? Yikes. They’re starring in the film InAPPropriate Comedy, which is supposedly a sketch comedy collection along the lines of Underground Comedy. Either way, seriously Adrien? At least the razor commercials make it seem like you’re still a star.

The Robert Rodriguez-produced Predators (directed by Kontroll‘s Nimrod Antal) opens July 9th, and this is the newly-released international trailer.  This time around, the predators will be hunting the most dangerous game: Adrien Brody.  The humans have been dropped into some sort of space game preserve (which we know because A Brodes says “I think this is some sort of… game preserve”), so presumably, the Predators in this one will be the fat, white Texas predators that are too lazy for regular hunting and ride around in golf carts.  Aside from Adrien Brody, the assortment seems to be a Russian (former fighter Oleg Taktarov), an African, another white dude, Laurence Fishburne, Danny Trejo, and a Latin chick.  I applaud them for breaking up the usual stock-photo arrangement of two whites, a black, and an Asian.  Seriously, look at any college course catalog or bank poster: it’s always two whites, a black, and an Asian.  It’s like the John, Paul, George, and Ringo of stock photos.

Also, Danny Trejo plays “Cuchillo”, which means of course, “knife.”  Not to be confused with his other character, “Machete,” which means of course, “big knife.”  He should win the Oscar for stabbing people. And then he could fashion the trophy into a shiv and stab someone with it.

It seems like all the creature movie trailers hit around the same time, so I’m combining them into one post to create a new, horrifying monster that I will now go ass to mouth with.

The Human Centipede (The First Sequence)
Finally, the ass-to-mouth human centipede movie we’ve all been waiting for.  The short answer is that a German scientist connects the esophagus of one person to the anus of another to make three or four people share the same digestive tract like a centipede*.  Why does he do this, you ask?  Dude, have you ever met a German?  Oh sure, but my pitch for a Daisy Chain movie was “too graphic”.  Whatever, man, kids gotta learn. Anyway, Human Centipede gets a limited theatrical run at the end of this month.  Director Tom Six, a Dutchman making his first English-language feature, calls his film “100% medically accurate.”  I don’t know how you’d know that unless there was an honest-to-god, ass-to-mouth human centipede walking around out there.  That centipede’s name?  You guessed it, Danny Masterson. [Pajiba via Bloody-Disgusting]

Splice
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The other day brought a short teaser, but now (courtesy of IGN) we have the full trailer for Nimrod Antal’s Predators movie. As for the plot, we learn through expository dialogue that the characters are on a Predator-infested island to become some Dirty Dozen-style team of outlaws.

WHITE DUDE: I was supposed to be executed two days ago.
BRITISH GUY: And I was in combat.
AFRICAN DUDE: So was I.
LATIN CHICK WITH BRITISH ACCENT: Black Ops.
JAPANESE GUY: Yakuza.

Danny Trejo and Laurence Fishburne are there too, but don’t say why.  They must’ve cut that part out.  But I bet it went something like this:

FISHBURNE: I was… in The Matrix.
TREJO:  I was lowrideen, ése. I swear, even ask my cóusin.  Ju can’ prove notheen, puto. *chugs mezcal straight from the bottle, fires pistols up in the air*  Now eet’s a party, vatos!  Ayayayayayayay!

Because that’s how Mexicans are.