Here’s the latest trailer for Rock of Ages, starring Tom Cruise, Alec Baldwin, Russell Brand, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Julianne Hough, and the invisible grinning face of Satan. This warmed-over pile of stupid clichés and pandering is impressive only the sense that I think I actually barted when I saw it. That’s when you barf and fart at the same time.

Not even a baboon in a leather jacket could get me to see this.

Boy, what would attractive white kids do without wise black folks to give them advice but not hog any of their spotlight? I hope this movie gets cancer.

Brett Ratner said a lot of things in the lead up to Tower Heist, like that he didn’t know Olivia Munn was Asian, that he “banged her a few times and forgot her,” and most importantly, that he never beat off in front of her while eating shrimp. But the thing that really stuck in peoples’ craw was when he said “rehearsal is for f*gs” at a Tower Heist rehearsal. He ended up resigning as Oscars producer, Eddie Murphy went with him, and now we’ve got Billy Crystal playing Charlie Back-Up Plan.

Well now it’s time to put all that f*g talk in our rear view, and the first stop on the Brett Ratner Redemption Tour is GLAAD, the group that speaks for all gay people, all of the time. Ratner will be directing a series of pro-tolerance videos starring prominent celebrities, though knowing Ratner, I bet they’ll be more like amateur-tolerance videos.

The Tower Heist director met with the organization this weekend in a sitdown that also brought in producer Brian Grazer and directors Adam Shankman and Bryan Singer, GLAAD said Wednesday. (We’ve posted an exclusive photo from the meeting.)

“Working together with GLAAD has been a very positive and enlightening experience for me, and I could not be more pleased to be developing this crucial campaign to help educate people that we all share the same humanity,” Ratner said.

“For instance, I like to masturbate while eating shrimp in front of Asian chicks, but this week I’ve met a number of bros who like to do it in front of androgynous Filipino boys, or hairy Armenians. The important thing to remember is that we’re all one family. When you arouse us, do we not pleasure ourselves with seafood? At the end of the day, that’s what makes us human.”

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From the director of Hairspray…

Aw, crap. I don’t know if I–

Based on the hit Broadway musical…

Um, yeeeah, you know, this doesn’t exactly sound like my cup of t–

Starring Tom Cruise…

Waiter! Check please!

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The news today for Tom Cruise’s latest project, Rock of Ages, is that Saturday Night Live’s Will Forte is joining the cast of this Broadway-to-big-screen musical adaptation. Forte joins Cruise, Russell Brand, Alec Baldwin, Bryan Cranston, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Malin Akerman’s super hot self, among others, for this star-studded celebration of the Tony-nominated musical.

Cruise is playing 80s rock superstar Stacee Jaxx and you can see from the image above that he’s hardly sacrificing his trademark manliness that he’s so well-known for these days. Don’t you worry about that, friends, because his woman, Katie Holmes, says that he’s still a boss.

“Two years ago he took me up on his P-51 Mustang, a fighter plane from World War II. He painted the words, ‘Kiss Me, Kate’ on the side,” Holmes says in the August issue of InStyle. “It feels like you’re on a bike in the sky. I thought, I’m either going to spend this whole flight totally freaked out or realize this is pretty thrilling.” (Via People)

When they landed, Katie wrapped her arms around Tom’s neck and moved in to kiss him, but he pulled back and said, “Stop it! You’re messing up my scarf!”

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"Are you ready to rock???" "AS LONG AS THERE AREN'T ANY GAYS IN THERE!"

Here’s the first picture of Tom Cruise in Rock of Ages, an adaptation of the Broadway musical of the same name in which Cruise plays heavy metal singer Stacee Jaxx.  Co-starring Alec Baldwin and Russell Brand, Rock of Ages comes from criminally under-recognized hack Adam Shankman, who started his career as a choreographer, then made The Wedding Planner with Jennifer Lopez, then was allowed to direct six more movies.  It’s one of the all-time great Hollywood success stories. Rock of Ages centers around a love story between characters played by Diego Boneta and Julianne Hough, set during “the rock music scene of 1987.”  Said Shankman of casting Boneta:

“It’s that feeling you get when you realized you’ve discovered lightning in a bottle,” Shankman just told me about Boneta’s audition. “It reminds me of when Zac Efron auditioned for Hairspray, Channing Tatum for Step Up and Liam Hemsworth auditioned for The Last Song. When the guy walks in, the guy walks in!”

This is going to be worse than Chernobyl.