From the director of Hairspray…

Aw, crap. I don’t know if I–

Based on the hit Broadway musical…

Um, yeeeah, you know, this doesn’t exactly sound like my cup of t–

Starring Tom Cruise…

Waiter! Check please!

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The news today for Tom Cruise’s latest project, Rock of Ages, is that Saturday Night Live’s Will Forte is joining the cast of this Broadway-to-big-screen musical adaptation. Forte joins Cruise, Russell Brand, Alec Baldwin, Bryan Cranston, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Malin Akerman’s super hot self, among others, for this star-studded celebration of the Tony-nominated musical.

Cruise is playing 80s rock superstar Stacee Jaxx and you can see from the image above that he’s hardly sacrificing his trademark manliness that he’s so well-known for these days. Don’t you worry about that, friends, because his woman, Katie Holmes, says that he’s still a boss.

“Two years ago he took me up on his P-51 Mustang, a fighter plane from World War II. He painted the words, ‘Kiss Me, Kate’ on the side,” Holmes says in the August issue of InStyle. “It feels like you’re on a bike in the sky. I thought, I’m either going to spend this whole flight totally freaked out or realize this is pretty thrilling.” (Via People)

When they landed, Katie wrapped her arms around Tom’s neck and moved in to kiss him, but he pulled back and said, “Stop it! You’re messing up my scarf!”

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"Are you ready to rock???" "AS LONG AS THERE AREN'T ANY GAYS IN THERE!"

Here’s the first picture of Tom Cruise in Rock of Ages, an adaptation of the Broadway musical of the same name in which Cruise plays heavy metal singer Stacee Jaxx.  Co-starring Alec Baldwin and Russell Brand, Rock of Ages comes from criminally under-recognized hack Adam Shankman, who started his career as a choreographer, then made The Wedding Planner with Jennifer Lopez, then was allowed to direct six more movies.  It’s one of the all-time great Hollywood success stories. Rock of Ages centers around a love story between characters played by Diego Boneta and Julianne Hough, set during “the rock music scene of 1987.”  Said Shankman of casting Boneta:

“It’s that feeling you get when you realized you’ve discovered lightning in a bottle,” Shankman just told me about Boneta’s audition. “It reminds me of when Zac Efron auditioned for Hairspray, Channing Tatum for Step Up and Liam Hemsworth auditioned for The Last Song. When the guy walks in, the guy walks in!”

This is going to be worse than Chernobyl.

Oh sweet baby Jesus, this is terrifying news.  Hollywood Reporter today is reporting that Tom Cruise is in final negotiations to star in the film adaptation of the Broadway musical Rock of Ages for director Adam Shankman (Shankman is the guy who was once moved to tears by So You Think You Can Dance, by the way).  If you’ll recall, the last time a totally-not-gay Scientologist starred in an Adam Shankman musical, it looked something like this:

OH GOD, KILL IT WITH FIRE

(*climbs down off pink unicorn, adjusts leather thong, finishes tongue kissing Anderson Cooper, pauses season finale of Glee*) Hoo boy, this sounds gay.

Tom Cruise is in final negotiations to co-star in Rock of Ages, New Line’s adaptation of the hit stage musical about 1980s rockers.  The actor will play Stacee Jaxx, the arrogant and charming star at the top of his career. Jaxx sings Bon Jovi’s “Wanted Dead of Alive” in the theater production. [THR]

Shankman, who in addition to Hairspray is also the director behind The Pacifier and Cheaper by the Dozen 2, once described Rock of Ages as ‘like Mamma Mia for dudes.’  And as a dude myself, I can totally see the appeal of watching other dudes prance about in spandex singing glam rock songs.   I just worry whether a straight-shooter like Tom Cruise understands what he’s getting himself into.  “Oh sure, I like musical theater.  As long as there are no gays in ther– MOTHER OF GOD!”

While researching this story, I found this. I thought you should see it.

She evolved them teeth for shotgunnin' Coors cans when you can't find a pocket knife

UPDATE: Now with video, after the jump.

I wasn’t sure if I was going to cover Miley Cyrus’ “lurid” lap dance after all the gossip sites beat me to it, but I think the scene of the crime and the people involved deserve some attention.  First, the story.

From Radar via WWTDD:
The video shows Adam Shankman on the dance floor with a drink in hand grinding up against Cyrus’ backside while she grinds back. At one point Cyrus turns around and seductively opens the top layer of her shirt, teasing Shankman with her flirty dance moves.  In a second clip to the video, Cyrus is seen giving Shankman a lap dance while children under the age of 10 sit less than five feet away watching the Hannah Montana star, and neither her mother Tish nor father Billy Ray were present at the party.

Okay, so the Disney Channel trained one of their faux-wholesome stars to act like an underage prostitute and some kids saw a lap dance.  I give that a “what’s new” and a “who cares”, respectively.  But I need to give you an idea of the kind of cretinous dildos who were present at this part.

First off, this was at a wrap party for The Last Song, the movie Miley Cyrus starred in based on a novel by Nicholas Sparks, the male Stephenie Meyers who compares himself to Hemingway and Sophocles and thinks Cormac McCarthy sucks.  The movie was about a girl who rescues a nest of sea turtle eggs from raccoons, and in the process, learns to love the piano again, by the way.  And that guy she was giving a lap dance to? Adam Shankman, the guy who was once moved to tears by a contestant on So You Think You Can Dance and directed the following movies:
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