It’d be easy for me and cathartic for us all to curate a collection of the most scathing, hateful responses to Adam Sandler’s new movie, Jack & Jill, which you knew were coming from the moment we all saw the first trailer. Trust me, they didn’t disappoint. The actual NY Post headline for their review is “Adam & Heave.”

But what’s even more interesting to me are the moments where the critics are desperately trying to think of something good to say, solely in the interests of fairness, and yet their true, incandescent hatred still bleeds through, like the best passive-aggressive exchange with your boss.  That’s how the Plot Recreated with Reviews game was born, where I use faux-expository quotes from critics’ reviews to recreate the plot of a movie they all despised. It’s fun! But before I start, perhaps my favorite passive-aggressive-y quote:

Also amusing are the film’s opening and ending credit sequences, which collect a wide variety of real-life twins to talk about their relationship, and to tease each other the way only siblings can.
Unfortunately, in between those scenes — and apart from Pacino’s lip-smacking performance — you’re still left with an Adam Sandler movie, with all that entails.

Take out the expository details, and you’ve got “the credits were nice.” I love that. Anyway, let’s get to the game:

In “Jack and Jill,” as in “Grown Ups” (both directed by Dennis Dugan), Sandler plays a guy with a more or less perfect life — cute kids, cool job, big house, hot wife — who is grievously annoyed by people variously defined as losers. This expansive category includes anyone who can be mocked for reasons of hygiene, physical appearance or ethnic background, though at the last minute, just to prove what a nice guy he is, Mr. Sandler will substitute condescension for contempt. (AO Scott, NY Times)

Oh dammit, AO Scott, you always ruin this game. Let’s start over.

Sandler plays Los Angeles ad man, who has a sister who still lives in the Bronx. She comes to visit for Thanksgiving, and drives him crazy. (Newark Star Ledger)

Read the rest of this entry »

This Week: The Rum Diary, Steven Spielberg’s War Horse, Adam Sandler in drag, and more.

(click to enlarge)

The newest Rum Diary poster looks a liiiittle closer to the tone of the book, but it still seems… I don’t know… cutesy (“he’s only wearing one sock, lol!”). But I don’t know what I expected. At some point, we’ve all got to face that they’re not going to put a girl getting gang raped on the poster. Also, I realize this wouldn’t be accurate to the source material, but it’d be awesome if Johnny Depp was wearing that big lizard tail from Fear and Loathing. And if anyone knows where I can get one of those, please, inquire within. I don’t have money, but I’m willing to barter. (*bats eyes, tries to do sexy dance, trips over cat*)

Read the rest of this entry »

Because you needed a reminder of why you’re a dick for giving your girlfriend cash on her birthday, pint-sized Canadian pop star Justin Bieber spoiled the bejesus out of his twin sister girlfriend Selena Gomez on Friday. For starters, Biebs took Gomez to her friend (and cutter) Demi Lovato’s concert at the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles, where they enjoyed her many hit songs such as “That One Song That Kids Like” and “Your Guess is as Good as Mine.”

But then J-Biebz, the inspiration for the world’s greatest Tumblr page (not counting my Miley Cyrus-inspired page, of course) turned the romance up a notch. He led Gomez to the Staples Center via a private tunnel, because he’s JUSTIN F*CKING BIEBER, and he revealed a table for two at center court, complete with steak dinners, because he’s JUSTIN F*CKING BIEBER.

The major date was inspired by a scene in the Adam Sandler flick “Mr. Deeds,” in which Sandler’s character surprises his date, Winona Ryder, with a date for two at Madison Square Garden. After the superstar couple’s meal, things got even more romantic when “Titanic” began playing on a screen in the arena.

(Via MTV)

Bieber also Tweeted a little advice to us losers who lack his mad skillz: “Romance isn’t dead. Treat your lady right fellas.” That’s right, bros and dudes, you should totes take advantage of your connections with arena owners and host ludicrous screenings of terribly overrated movies, because your woman expects it of you. Also, you should try to base all of your dates on awful Adam Sandler films and make sure you tell everyone that you wear girls jeans. Oh, and buy her a fake rack, too.

In reality, there’s only one thing a man should ever need to show his woman how much he loves her…

Read the rest of this entry »

Steven Soderbergh’s Contagion led all others at the box office over the weekend, knocking off The Help for the first time in three weeks, proving that the only thing America loves more than a hot white chick curing racism (THAT MAID’S CHANGIN’ YER LAAHFE) is watching Gwyneth Paltrow succumb to a mysterious disease (check out the new goop.com newsletter for the latest in designer rubber gloves and shabby chic sneeze guards).

Meanwhile, proving that no one listens to Peter Dante, no one went to see Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, despite all his advice to the contrary. The Happy Madison product opened all the way down at number fifteen, with  $1.45 million. That was less than half of Happy Madison’s previous lows, Strange Wilderness and Grandma’s Boy (the latter of which was actually pretty decent, strangely). But it wasn’t ALL bad news, as Bucky Larson is currently tracking 0% on rottentomatoes.

FUN FACT: The average showing of Bucky Larson had slightly more than eight people. You could get more people to a fake funeral.

It’s a shame, because I always thought Nick Swardson was the funniest one in that crew. But also not a shame, because Bucky Larson looked like a Mexican sitcom (and not in a good way, where all of the women have preposterously ample cleavage). If Jack and Jill does this poorly when it opens in November, maybe Sandler can finally stop with this lowest common denominator experiment and get back to making comedy. I know, I know, I’m totally that YOU’VE CHANGED, BRO guy. But even conceding that I was thirteen at the time, I refuse to believe that “The Buffoon Meets the Dean of Admissions” wasn’t a watershed moment in comedy. “I LOOKED AT MY ASSH*LE IN THE MIRROR TODAY,” is my generation’s “Who’s On First.” I remember where I was the first time I heard “MY NEIGHBOR’S DOG HAS A FOUR-INCH CLIT” like it was the goddamned Kennedy assassination.

(full top 10 after the jump)

Read the rest of this entry »

At some point today, people are going to spend actual American currency to see Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star, and the soul of cinema will die a little more. The film is the latest offering from Happy Madison, which is Adam Sandler’s production company, or as it is better known – his friends’ ATM machine. In fact, it’s quite fitting that Sandler’s next cash cow, starring Nick Swardson as the titular character, will be released on his 44th birthday. “Happy birthday,” his friends will yell as they put their new Bentley keys in their pockets.

I’m sure by now that you’ve seen the non-stop barrage of commercials for Bucky Larson, and I assume that because they have been scorched into my brain because of their needlessly obnoxious delivery. The movie itself looks like standard Happy Madison fare, but for some reason the commercials have Peter Dante – more on him later – yelling at us about why we should see the film like we are complete morons. I honestly can’t decide whether I’m more annoyed or fascinated by the commercials.

What is the point of Dante yelling terrible jokes at us? Is he portraying his character in the film? Are we supposed to know this? Better yet, are we supposed to know who he is? I decided to answer that last question myself, as well as the question “Who the hell are these guys and why should we accept them as comedy stars?”

Read the rest of this entry »