"Chill, babe. I gots this."

With Rotten Tomatoes scores currently throbbing at 97% (critics) and 98% (audience expectations), Marvel’s The Avengers is the perfect film to kick off the summer movie season this Friday. Sure, some people might argue that the summer movie season actually begins with Miley Cyrus’ LOL – also being released this Friday – but those people need to go back to singing “Achy Breaky Heart” at my nephew’s Bar Mitzvah, dammit.

Beyond The Avengers are some films that actually have us pretty excited about Hollywood’s collective IQ for once – but don’t you worry, there’s also plenty of crap coming out, too. Fortunately, this isn’t the end of the year, so I don’t have to focus on the crap just yet – I will still eventually see LOL because Vince loves watching my soul cripple – and we’re just examining the films that have the greatest potential to crash the box office this season, and put smiles back on the faces of the billionaires who only made hundreds of millions in 2011.

I’ve even taken the liberty of breaking the summer movies up into categories for your convenience (chronological list on the last page), and I am being assisted in presenting this guide by none other than Michael Bay’s pet tiger, Todd Brad.

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Twilight‘s Taylor Lautner is set to join the cast of Adam Sandler’s upcoming sequel Grown Ups 2, reports the Hollywood Reporter. The entire cast is expected to return, as well as visionary director Dennis Dugan, who previously helped Sandler create such classics as Jack and Jill, Just Go With It, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, and Benchwarmers. With the whole crew coming back, there’s no reason to think the sequel couldn’t be just as groundbreaking and innovative as the original.

Lautner, who rose to fame as the teen wolf Jacob in the Twilight films, will make an appearance in a “fun” role, in which he goes toe-to-toe with Sandler, according to sources.

Grown Ups told the story of a group of childhood friends who reunite as adults after their high school basketball coach dies. The movie grossed $162 million domestically and $271 million worldwide.

As a cinema fan, there’s nothing better than seeing two masters at the top of their games come together to create something truly magical. Pacino/DeNiro. Hackman/Eastwood. Christian Bale/Michael Caine. And now, Lautner/Sandler. The real winner here? The fans.

(The loser? That dude who kinda knew Sandler in high school who thought this might finally be his shot.)

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for the 1987 Mark Harmon-starring Summer School, not because it was a good movie, but because it had a dog in sunglasses on the cover, which is always radical (he was sort of the proto-Marmaduke). The sad news is, that dog is most likely long dead, filling up a grave somewhere next to Mark Harmon, and now Paramount is pissing on his dog corpse by hiring Adam Sandler to produce the remake.

Happy Madison, the production banner run by Adam Sandler and Jack Giaraputo [that's Spanish for "Jar of puto" -Ed], is in negotiations to come aboard to produce Paramount’s planned remake of Summer School.
School was a light 1987 comedy directed by Carl Reiner that starred Mark Harmon as a gym teacher forced to cancel his summer plans and teach an English class filled with oddballs and rebels. The film also featured a young Courtney Thorne-Smith.
Sandler is not attached to star in the project, which soon will hire writers.
Paramount has been trying to remake the film since 2005, but the project has been stuck in development detention.  [THR]

Wait, did you say development DETENTION?

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Adam Sandler with his co-star, your mom.

MTV has the red-band trailer for Adam Sandler’s latest, That’s My Boy, starring Andy Samberg, featuring cameos by Rex Ryan and Vanilla Ice. It looks like Sandler has ditched the family-friendliness of his last few films, but not the need to perform entire movies in a silly voice. HE’S GAWT A FACKIN’ BAWSTON ACCINT IN THIS ONE, CAWKSUCKAH! Sandler plays Andy Samberg’s ne’er-do-well, estranged father who comes back in his life to show him blah blah blah who cares. There are cameos from Jets coach/pussy lover Rex Ryan and proto-Durst Vanilla Ice, and while it doesn’t exactly look good, at least it was directed by the guys who wrote Hot Tub Time Machine (with a re-write by Ken Marino and David Wain, according to IMDB) and not one of Sandler’s dipshit flunkies like Dennis Dugan. I’m not going to lie, I definitely laughed at “You puked on my dress and then f*cked it?!”

Finally, something relatable.

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The Razzies was founded in 1981 by copywriter and publicist John Wilson, and every year they hand out awards to the most obvious, low-hanging fruit of bad movies, I suspect as a pandering method of self-promotion. And what fruit hangs lower than Adam Sandler? Tell us, Golden Raspberry, what brave stand have you taken this year?

With three critically-panned movies released by his Happy Madison Productions, Adam Sandler totally dominates the list of contenders for The 32nd Annual RAZZIE Awards. Sandler has more than doubled Eddie Murphy’s old record for the most nominations accrued by an individual in a single year. As an actor, writer and/or producer on JACK & JILL, BUCKY LARSON and JUST GO WITH IT, the former SNL star has amassed a whopping 11 RAZZIE nods, dis-honoring last year’s Worst Achievements in Film.

Leading the pack for Worst Picture is Sandler’s cross-dressing comedy JACK & JILL, which received 12 nods in all (becoming only the 4th film in the Tacky Trophy’s history ever to get more dings than the awards have categories). Besides having the inside track to “win” the top award, JILL is also contending for Sandler as Worst Actor (as male twin Jack) Katie Holmes as Worst Supporting Actress (playing Jack’s wife) and former Oscar regular Al Pacino, nabbing his third RAZZIE nod for playing “himself” as being madly in love with Sandler’s female twin. Sandler is also nominated for Worst Actress for playing the role of Jill and, should he “win,” and choose to follow in the footsteps of previous “winners” Halle Berry (CATWOMAN) and Sandra Bullock (ALL ABOUT STEVE) Sandler could potentially become the first “winner” who literally has the balls to accept a Worst Actress RAZZIE.

Haha, ouch, my sides! Hilarious play on the word “literally,” you must write for a living! You guys seem like perfect judges of comedy. Sorry, I’m not trying to argue that Jack and Jill and Bucky Larson don’t probably suck, but the Razzies have always bugged me. They always just make the least controversial, most expected choices of crappy movies, seemingly on reputation alone. I’m not sure they even watch them. It seems more like the “Hey, I heard that sucked!” awards, presented in the hopes a celebrity might legitimize them by showing up. The only people who spoof bad comedy in a less funny way than the Razzies are Seltzer and Friedberg. Ooh, Adam Sandler broke the record for most nominations in your made-up lame awards show? Amazing! That’ll be the first entry in the Guinness Book of Mouth Farts I’m writing, if I can just stop wanking dismissively long enough to hold a pen.

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