Legendary comedian and filmmaker (and brother of Super Dave) Albert Brooks was on the Adam Carolla podcast yesterday, and one of the great things about Albert Brooks is that he doesn’t spend all his time kissing ass like the rest of these Hollywood phonies. Two of the great things about him are that he doesn’t kiss ass, AND he likes making fun of some of the same movie clichés we do. A large part of the 90-minute conversation covered bad movie clichés, and it was great to hear. Besides mentioning the precocious, articulate child trope I bitch about every chance I get (most recent example, 1:36 of the Crazy, Stupid, Love trailer — “She’s your soul mate, right? Go get her back!” HURRR), Brooks mentions a couple other obnoxious chesnuts aspiring screenwriters should avoid.

“There are things I can’t stand in movies, that can be so easily fixed. I don’t like peoples’ names. …I’m gonna talk to you for an hour, and I’m never gonna say ‘Adam.’  You can say ‘Adam’ if you’re gonna leave and I’m calling you, or you can say it if your pissed — ‘Listen, Adam, don’t f*ck with me.’ But just to say it all the time… it’s sloppy writing.  I’ll tell you a fun game when you have nothing to do: watch Titanic and count how many times he says ‘Rose.’  It must be five thousand. [...] I think he even says it underwater.

And there are other things too in movies.  I thought I could teach a writing class and just give like six things and make people better just for these six things.  For instance, take the word ‘listen’ out. It’s a crutch.  It buys you time.”

Of course, it should be noted that these are tips for writing good movies, not successful ones.  As illustrated by the fact that Titanic is the second-highest grossing movie of all time (and still first in terms of attendance).  In fact, if you’re an aspiring screenwriter looking to make a buck, it might be best to pack your script full of as many of these clichés as possible.  It’ll make it seem more professional. “Ooh, this guy really knows what he’s doing,” producers will say.

Darren Lynn Bousman directed Saw II, III, and IV, as well as Repo! The Genetic Opera, guaranteeing that he would be the butt of jokes on this site more than a few times, and probably for years to come.  Truthfully, a Paris Hilton goth musical is easily number two on my list of things I never want to watch, just behind puppy snuff.  That said, he was a guest on the Adam Carolla podcast this week, and not only was he quite candid, he had a hell of a story to tell about how he broke into the business.

After making some short films that all his friends in Florida told him were great, he moved to Hollywood, only to find out his shorts were actually quite sh*tty and get laughed out the office of everyone he showed them to.  He spent the next eight years as a lowly production assistant, culminating in a stint as Tara Reid’s assistant on Van Wilder.  That’s where this block quote picks up…

“So I became Tara Reid’s assistant.  And it was always like “Darrell, Devin, Derrick” — she never knew my name, and my job was to like hold her cigarettes and Pepsi at all times. Eventually I was fired from that job.  So finally I was like, ‘I’m going to write a script and I’m not going to stop until this thing gets made.’  And so I wrote this script, called The Desperate.  I sent it out, no one would read it.  Because you get in that Catch 22 in Hollywood, where you have to have [a script to get an agent, and you have to have] an agent or else no one will read the script.

“My way to circumvent that catch 22 was, I made up a fake management company. I even had letterhead made, and I had a friend of mine answer the phones. And so, I was an assistant at the time at an agency, and my job was to read the scripts that came in.  And so I changed the title of my screenplay and made it by a different person.  Then I had it come through this fake agency that I had created and I put a message out to all the other assistants, “This is the best f*cking thing I’ve ever read, have you guys read this?”

“And by that point, I had heat, because all the other people were like, “Oh, Darren read this thing, he thinks it’s great.”  And long story short, this screenplay ended up getting bought by the people who made the Saw films.” [Check out the whole podcast here]

From there, through a combination of begging and promising to take a lower salary than anyone else, he managed to convince the people to let him direct the second Saw movie.  It’s sad that it had to culminate in Repo! the Genetic Opera, because excluding that part, it’s a pretty awesome story.  It’s kind of like telling how you won the state championship on a last-second, game-winning hail mary pass.  But the quarterback of the opposing team had earlier dedicated the game to his little brother with cancer, who ending up dying distraught and confused just a few hours later.  And all the doctors said it was the game that did it.  But, you know, congrats, dude, you won.

Despite the fact that he’s best known for being on Entourage, I never disliked Jeremy Piven.  I enjoyed his bit part in Grosse Pointe Blank, and even on Entourage, he’s probably the only even vaguely interesting character .  But now we’re free to hate away, because apparently he’s a huge prick.  From a recent (always awesome) Adam Carolla podcast (this part’s about 59 minutes in):

ADAM CAROLLA: There’s so many douchebags in this town.  Can’t we just start calling the douchebags the douchebags?

GUEST DAVE DAMESHAK: Why don’t you?  Start naming names right n–

ADAM: Jeremy Piven.  Every time I say to somebody — photographers, people who set up stereo equipment, hair and makeup people –  “Who’s the biggest douchebag you ever worked with?”  Jeremy Piven.  It just comes flying out of their mouth.  Universally.

DAVE:  It’s amazing! I used to sling drinks in a bar in Evanston where his parents had a theater, and this was like 10 years before anybody new who he was when he was doing bit parts in John Cusack movies, and everybody would go out of their way to say what a terrible person he was.  I’ve never heard anybody say “Oh he’s a nice guy.”

So there you have it, folks, we’re now free to hate Jeremy Piven.  But because I don’t want this site to be all negativity and the cooling spring of hate that washes over my gills keeping me alive, it should also be noted that there’s a similar universal agreement on the best guy in Hollywood.  That’s right, Bruce Greenwood.   I heard Bruce Greenwood was once filming a movie in St. Louis, and he could tell something was bothering the makeup girl.  When he asked her what was wrong, she told him about her daughter’s degenerative heart condition.  Bruce Greenwood was so moved, he shed a tear right there in the empty lot.  Wouldn’t you know it, the next morning a beautiful rose bush, her daughter’s favorite flower, bloomed in that very spot, even though it was the dead of winter.  True story, ask anyone.

Seth McFarlane was on The Adam Carolla Podcast (which I highly, highly recommend) the other day, and the discussion eventually turned to The Family Guy movie, which is apparently in the works, and… may included live action?  Here’s the exchange:

MCFARLANE: I can say with definitive assuredness that it will be out.  Within the next few years.  We already know what it’s gonna be.  We’ve been trying to lock into something that makes it so that it has to be a movie, as opposed to an extended Family Guy episode.  And I like the Simpson’s Movie, but that’s something they could do with animation on TV because they’re not constrained by sets. [...] You have to find some way to make it so that it has to be a movie.

CAROLLA: Are you hinting at some live action?

MCFARLANE: Possibly, possibly. Here and there.  It will not be a 90-minute Family Guy episode.

That sounds like a lot of work. And judging by how many Family Guy episodes are on at any given time, Seth McFarlane must have roughly 18 bajillion dollars.  If I were him, I wouldn’t be making movies.  I’d be sitting by the pool while my buxom assistant fed me nachos. Because I don’t like to get the cheese on my fingers, you see.

UPDATE: Not sure what’s up with the video, but if it’s not working you can also watch it over on Apple. 

CinemaBlend has this trailer for Adam Carolla’s indie flick, The Hammer, opening March 21st in his radio markets and in NYC.

Anyone who’s heard his radio show knows the joy of “Deaf Frat Guy,” “Ass Kiss Rodeo,” “Complain About Anything,” and my favorite, “Ace’s Ranchero Music Accordion Challenge.”  Still, I’m a little torn because, as funny as he is, he’s probably the only person in the world who’s a worse actor than Norm MacDonald. The Hammer appears to be your basic over-the-hill loser makes good story, but if it’s got enough Carollaisms (and Ozzie the Nicaraguan) in it, it might worthwhile.

He’s just a likable guy.  He has an indefinable endearing quality I like to call Carolla-isma.  …May God have mercy on my soul.