As a Thanksgiving present, Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn director Bill Condon shared the above picture on Twitter, the first picture from the movie version of Breaking Dawn, the last chapter of Stephenie Meyer’s shirtless dude-filled abstinence parable.

Without context, it’s hard to know what the hell it is.  But history tells us that Breaking Dawn is the book where Edward and Bella get married and go snorkeling in Brazil for their honeymoon, and since they’re married and can finally bang (the institution of marriage being very important to 110-year-old vampires), they finally have sex, and Edward’s super-vampire-powered crotch thrusts break the bed and knock Bella unconscious.  (The “Dawn” in the title presumably refers to Bella’s hymen).  Ergo, the above picture is most likely an unconscious Bella holding a handful of feathers from when Edward destroyed her bed and vagina. See how much hotter the sex is if you wait, sinner?  Reactions from the Twihards included:

MollieVX
THIS is soooooo AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!

Codster27
Wow I can’t wait!!! Where are the bruises??

tayannegamboa
I can’t wait to see this scene and all honeymoon scenes!!

makitalove
omg !!!! thanks for this………ahhhhhhhhhhhh

BellaReyCRP
OMG!!!!!!!!!! thank you SO MUCH! GOD! :P it’s just perfect!!!! thanks thanks thanks! :D

eleripilliroog
I seriously screamed when i saw this , OMT  [Oh My Twilight? -Ed.]

Yasmiintjeuuh
were are the bruises?

behleen_
OMG!!!! that’s is amazing !! we need that pillows
*scream*

xTwilightPaulax
OMG! OMG! Bill you have NO idea what you are doing to us *SCREAM**SCREAM* I. CAN’T. WAIT.

You’ll have to excuse their excitement, it’s just that few of them have ever seen a bed not covered in cat fur.  I just hope someone makes me a felt Bella hymen to match my womb.

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(Out of place? Sure, maybe, but that positive attitude is why he’s such a successful businessman.)

Tom Barrack is a real estate big-shot who runs some big deal investment firm, Colony Capital.  He recently sent a memo to his employees urging them to consider outside points of view.  Barrack used by way of example a story about a lonely evening he spent on a yacht in Turkey after a canceled business meeting* in which he had absolutely nothing to do and decided to read Twilight.  The memo is interesting, mainly because, unlike Stephenie Meyer, Barrack is a good writer. It’s a little long, but worth a read:

Here is my macho take – Stephanie Meyer is a total genius. As I flipped through the pages I was startled by the lack of detailed description of Bella and the surgical and illuminating development of Edward. As hard as I tried I could not really picture Bella, but I was grabbed by Edward’s character – gorgeous, super human, super strong, super fast and most importantly encompassing the wisdom of a 109-year-old man in the guise of a 17-year-old boy.

The description of Bella on the other hand, was not moving, or compelling. What I realized is the genius of Stephanie was that she knew that by keeping the character generic, any and every woman could climb inside and picture herself in Bella’s shoes. Thus the fascination and deep emotional reactions to what many (including myself) thought was a foolish teenage trashy novel.

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And now, from the you-probably-saw-this-coming files, it seems that Twilight kids have  taken to biting each other, and not just because they mistook their friends for delicious, delicious Twinkies.  Yes, this is probably just one of those ridiculous trend pieces, timed to take advantage of Twilight fever, but oh well, I’ll bite. ‘Bite,’ get it?  HIRE ME, NEWSPAPER ARTS DESK!

Teenagers inspired by the explosively popular vampire series, as well as shows like True Blood and the Vampire Diaries, are taking the fad one step further and exchanging real life ‘love bites.’
“It’s a way to belong to somebody and check their territory,” high school sophomore Pao Hernandez told CBS News.

Don’t you mean ‘mark’ your territory?  Oh right, you learned English from Stephenie Meyer.

Hernandez says couples at her school exchange blood with each other to prove their passion, and friends also give each other bites to demonstrate just how close they are.

Mmm, abstinence is so much sexier, especially when you still have to worry about STDS.  DANGER! VAMPIRES! CATS!

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Afraid you’re too unfashionable to be accepted into the local foppish goth coven?  Well I’ve got just the thing: Edward Cullen’s shoes!  Brand new from the Pyramid Collection (Myth, Magick, Fantasy & Romance) come these handsome dress shoes, perfect for a Ren Faire mixer or Wiccan prom.

Vampires of distinction love these: glossy, patent-leather-and-velour gentleman’s shoes, fashioned in blood red and midnight black [as opposed to sunrise black...], with large, faceted-crystal medallions on the instep. [source]

Looking through the rest of the Pyramid Collection website, I find that they have separate sections for plus-sized clothing (of course), as well as “coats and capes,” which is great because I’d been searching for a good plus-sized cape.  Really, all patent-leather-and-velour shoes should come with a good plus-sized cape included, for your date to wear.  They could have matching faceted-crystal medallions like a corsage.  That would be hot.  Anyway, I’d love to show these to the God-hates-f*gs Twihard, just to see if it would shake her faith.  “Oh no, Jesus says velour is an abomination!”

You have to figure a movie that gets mentioned during a congressional hearing would make a c*ntload of dough, and you’d be right.  Being an abstinence parable doesn’t mean you have to abstain from cash money, son. According to early estimates, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse has bumped Dark Knight down a notch on the list of biggest opening days.  In a related story, Dark Knight is now covered in cat fur.

Summit Entertainment’s The Twilight Saga: Eclipse earned an estimated $68.5 million its first day which is a new record for a Wednesday opening, surpassing previous record holder Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen ($62 million). The third installment debuted in a record 4,416 theaters.
While the opening day is not as big as The Twilight Saga: New Moon‘s record of $72.7 million, if the estimate holds it would still be the second-best single day and opening day ever and would knock The Dark Knight ($67.2 million) to third. [ComingSoon]

New Moon eventually topped out at $709.9 million worldwide, while Dark Knight went on to gross more than a billion dollars, in much the same way that a Twihard can lift a bus if there’s a sandwich under it, but tire after walking up a few stairs.   I kid, I kid.  In any case, Stephenie Meyer was said to be flattered by the huge opening, writing, “It’s a very big opening day.  Our opening day was massive.  It was so big, it was scary.”

Descriptive!

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