The trailer for Snorkels the Vampire Fetus, aka The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part One, the first half of the last chapter in Stephenie Meyer’s story of abs and abstinence, landed online late last night. To recap, in this one, Edward, the 100-year-old vampire, finally marries his high school sweetheart, Bella, who he’s been saving himself for, because her heartburn face and white girl scent drives him crazy. So crazy that he doesn’t trust himself to control his bloodlust or boner shame. But now that they’re married, he can finally show her his sparkling vampire penis, which is brighter than the surface of the sun, like a flesh dagger made of glitter diamonds. They go to Brazil for their honeymoon, and after a long day of vampire snorkeling, they commence with the hymen breaking (the ‘Dawn’ of the title being a metaphor for Bella’s hymen, I assume). There’s only one problem: Edward’s vampirility is too strong for Bella’s mortal vagina-womb. His vampire sperm immediately chomps down on Bella’s innocent white eggs and she becomes impregnated. Impregnated with a super vampire baby that kicks so hard in utero that it severs Bella’s spine. Edward gives Bella a vampire teeth C-section to save her from his evil sperm baby, and it turns out the baby is telepathic for some reason and has the mind of an adult. That’s when the ethnic werewolf guy falls in love with it, because a lady with a baby’s vagina is every man’s dream. After that… well, after that, the story gets a little ridiculous.

You can watch the trailer below. I took the liberty of adding my own captions on the following pages.

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"SHUT YOUR EYES! HIS SPARKLING PENIS IS LIKE STARING DIRECTLY INTO THE SUN!"

Breaking Dawn (aka Snorkels the Vampire Fetus) is famously Stephenie Meyer’s most batsh*t book (which is saying something). So when The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn (PART ONE) trailer premiered at the MTV Movie Awards last night (the same night as the Spike Guy’s Choice Awards — what will I not watch first!), we were hoping to see some snorkeling vampires, vampire c-sections, werewolf-on-CGI-telepathic-vampire-fetus love, or any of the awesomely ridiculous plot elements from Breaking Dawn.  Turns out they went pretty minimal with it (would you believe the director of this has an Oscar?).  But even though the bed-smashing vampire honeymoon sex and spine-severing fetal cramps are only hinted at, it’s still delightfully ridiculous. (Great sentence, or the greatest sentence?).  We’ve got your breakdown.

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Ever since Kirk Cameron got rich beating up his computer for showing him porn and disproving evolution by showing how the human hand is perfectly formed to eat monkey food, fundamentalist Christians have become the great untapped movie market.  Hoping to capitalize on that market is the new abstinence comedy The Waiting Game, whose trailer you can watch below. That’s the protagonist above, celebrating his ability to save himself for marriage, as “only three percent of Americans” have done. Hooray, I won the reverse lottery! “Hey, Bob, didja get laid last night?”

“I sure didn’t!”

(*Top Gun high five*)

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Part one of the final chapter of Twilight, Breaking Dawn, aka Snorkels the Vampire Fetus, opens in November, featuring Edward the chaste vampire finally consummating his inexplicable love for his sullen, charmless bride (ALL HE WANTS TO DO IS EAT HER, BUT HE CAN’T, BECAUSE HER SMELL DRIVES HIM CRAZY).  But already, images of Stephenie Meyer’s childlike notions of romance that she saw in a perfume commercial are all over the web.  “Oh, Bella, when we finally touch I’m going to French you so hard.  This is going to be the Frenchiest French kiss in the history of French, numnumnumnumnum…”

Anyway, here’s a bunch of new pictures from the movie, courtesy of the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly, the most important news magazine in the universe.  But I must warn you, most of them are the boring, Stephenie Meyer Superego part of the story that looks like a corny Mervin’s ad, not the awesome Stephenie Meyers id stuff with the broken wombs, severed spines, telepathic vampire fetuses, and werewolf-on-baby man love.  I like that stuff a lot better.

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Yesterday, the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Facebook page offered Twilight fans a special Valentine’s Day treat –  (to cats) GATHER AROUND, MY PRETTIES, I HAVE EXCITING NEWS — a new picture from the set!  It’s probably the most exciting ever to happen to a Twilight fan on Valentine’s Day.  The picture shows the Isle Esme (you can tell it’s tropical because of the 10 tropical plants awkwardly planted in the foreground), which, if you’ll remember, is the Brazilian snorkel island the Cullens own where Bella Swan and her sparkly vampire husband go on their honeymoon, first to snorkel and eventually to consummate their love.  Because it’s so much sexier when you wait, Edward’s super-powered vampire penis knocks Bella unconscious and he destroys the headboard with his inhuman thrusting (previous set pictures show her clutching feathers from her ruined bed and closing her eyes to keep from being blinded by his ultra-bright sparkling vampire genitals).  But in so doing, he fills her womb with the telepathic half-vampire fetus (“Reneesme”) that will eventually sever Bella’s spine and need to be removed via vampire-teeth c-section.  Whereupon Jacob the shirtless, ethnic temptation wolf will fall in love with it (these damned ethnic types, you can’t keep ‘em from trying to bang your sparkling white babies).

Phew, you guys catch all that?  Sorry, I just didn’t want you to fall behind and start asking stupid questions when it comes out in the theater, like “HURRRR, why is the werewolf trying to bang the vampire fetus?”  I mean everyone knows that.