Our friends at EverythingIsTerrible always dig up the best stuff (in fact, it was they who first introduced me to the Arnold in Rio video referenced in the previous post, something for which I can never repay them), and this latest video is no different. Nowadays, Kirk Cameron is known the world over as a Subway sandwich-loving evolution denier who can prove the existence of God using nothing but a banana and a tasteful sweater. But back when this video, “Sex, Lies, & the Truth,” produced by James Dobson’s Focus on the Family was made, he was just a fresh-faced young abstinence promoter, traveling the world in hip Birkenstocks and sinfully short shorts, trying to reach America’s at-risk youth. YOUR ATHLETIC THIGHS ARE LEADING ME UNTO TEMPTATION, KIRK CAMERON! Oh well, even Christian soldiers are allowed the occasional youthful indiscretion.

Let’s take a look at the video, which is fantastic.

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Mitt Romney’s 51 – 48 loss in last week’s election could have been even worse if the American people had known that the guy constantly chiding Obama for looking weak was the same guy letting his wife drag him to a screening of Twilight over the weekend, where these blurry pictures were taken. Politics aside, what a pussy-whipped eunuch.

Last night, Mitt and Ann Romney were spotted at a movie theater in Del Mar, California— near their La Jolla beach home we’re guessing. They managed to go out without a bodyguard or anything, though they weren’t able to escape the watchful eye of a TMZ photog.

I’m guessing the Del Mar Highlands theater, I used to work at the Starbucks right next door. Remind me to tell you about it some time, it’s a really boring story.

The Romneys went out for pizza, and everyone said Romney was totally cool and posed for pictures with people. Romney has copped to loving the Twilight series before. He picked up the books on a recommendation from his granddaughter, and he told the TODAY show: “I thought it was fun.”

There’s a Mormon connection there, too. The author of the book series Stephenie Meyer is a member, and some have noted that LDS imagery and influence runs deep in the series. (The series’ heroine Bella avoids coffee, tea, alcohol and tobacco.) [not to mention premarital sex and ethnic temptation.] [LAist]

Nothing against Mormons or Republicans, but if you’re a 65-year-old gazillionaire whose idea of a good time is going to see Twilight on opening weekend with your wife, you should probably just kill yourself, because you’re already dead. “Ooh, skinless grilled chicken breast again? Thank you, wife, this looks very satisfactory.”

You just know he goes home and DVRs Two and a Half Men and laughs his ass off. The reason Caroline in the City lasted four seasons? You guessed it, Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney saw Wild Hogs in the theater six times, true story. Mitt Romney orders undressed green salad with extra frisee.

The trailer for Snorkels the Vampire Fetus, aka The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part One, the first half of the last chapter in Stephenie Meyer’s story of abs and abstinence, landed online late last night. To recap, in this one, Edward, the 100-year-old vampire, finally marries his high school sweetheart, Bella, who he’s been saving himself for, because her heartburn face and white girl scent drives him crazy. So crazy that he doesn’t trust himself to control his bloodlust or boner shame. But now that they’re married, he can finally show her his sparkling vampire penis, which is brighter than the surface of the sun, like a flesh dagger made of glitter diamonds. They go to Brazil for their honeymoon, and after a long day of vampire snorkeling, they commence with the hymen breaking (the ‘Dawn’ of the title being a metaphor for Bella’s hymen, I assume). There’s only one problem: Edward’s vampirility is too strong for Bella’s mortal vagina-womb. His vampire sperm immediately chomps down on Bella’s innocent white eggs and she becomes impregnated. Impregnated with a super vampire baby that kicks so hard in utero that it severs Bella’s spine. Edward gives Bella a vampire teeth C-section to save her from his evil sperm baby, and it turns out the baby is telepathic for some reason and has the mind of an adult. That’s when the ethnic werewolf guy falls in love with it, because a lady with a baby’s vagina is every man’s dream. After that… well, after that, the story gets a little ridiculous.

You can watch the trailer below. I took the liberty of adding my own captions on the following pages.

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"SHUT YOUR EYES! HIS SPARKLING PENIS IS LIKE STARING DIRECTLY INTO THE SUN!"

Breaking Dawn (aka Snorkels the Vampire Fetus) is famously Stephenie Meyer’s most batsh*t book (which is saying something). So when The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn (PART ONE) trailer premiered at the MTV Movie Awards last night (the same night as the Spike Guy’s Choice Awards — what will I not watch first!), we were hoping to see some snorkeling vampires, vampire c-sections, werewolf-on-CGI-telepathic-vampire-fetus love, or any of the awesomely ridiculous plot elements from Breaking Dawn.  Turns out they went pretty minimal with it (would you believe the director of this has an Oscar?).  But even though the bed-smashing vampire honeymoon sex and spine-severing fetal cramps are only hinted at, it’s still delightfully ridiculous. (Great sentence, or the greatest sentence?).  We’ve got your breakdown.

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Ever since Kirk Cameron got rich beating up his computer for showing him porn and disproving evolution by showing how the human hand is perfectly formed to eat monkey food, fundamentalist Christians have become the great untapped movie market.  Hoping to capitalize on that market is the new abstinence comedy The Waiting Game, whose trailer you can watch below. That’s the protagonist above, celebrating his ability to save himself for marriage, as “only three percent of Americans” have done. Hooray, I won the reverse lottery! “Hey, Bob, didja get laid last night?”

“I sure didn’t!”

(*Top Gun high five*)

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