(Yeah, you gettin’ laid tonight, playa.”)

13-year-old Little Miss Sunshine star Abigail Breslin is set to play Helen Keller on Broadway next year.  She’ll star in the revival of William Gibson’s play The Miracle Worker, a title sure to sound ironic to its subject if she were indeed able to recognize sounds.

“I am so honored,” the 13-year-old Breslin said in an interview. “It’s like the biggest thing in the world. … I have read the biography of Helen Keller. So I’ve always known the story, and it’s always been something I wanted to play.

“The Miracle Worker” was about three women — Helen, Annie Sullivan, the determined instructor who teaches the deaf and blind Helen how to communicate, and Helen’s mother (a role still be to cast), a woman who insisted against her husband’s advice of reaching out to this young teacher for her daughter. [THR]

Meanwhile, FilmDrunk was able to obtain an exclusive transcript of Breslin’s first big song and dance number in the show:

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Jew Zombie Killers Can’t Hump: A Zombieland Review

Zombieland is a road movie about two of the last survivors of the zombie plague, who don’t really have anywhere to go.  They’re instead driven by their desires: Woody Harrelson’s “Tallahassee” a desire to find the last Twinkies on Earth, and Jesse Eisenberg’s “Columbus” to finally kiss a girl.  It’s a sort of funny premise for a sort of funny movie.  A movie that turns out to be a lot like the Twinkie — tasty enough, but provides little nutritional value, and after you’re done you feel kind of dirty.  It’s pleasant going down*, but you get the sense that the whole thing was ultra processed, created using proven science formulas to manipulate the consumer’s senses in a specific way.  Crap, this is a really good analogy, someone call USA Today.

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Abigail Breslin and Elisabeth Shue have signed on to star in Janie Jones, and since The Clash song of the same name is going to be stuck in your head now anyway, I thought I’d post the video.  You lughckay laday!  *spits on crowd*

(via THR) Alessandro Nivola, Elisabeth Shue and Abigail Breslin have been cast in the indie drama “Janie Jones.”  Breslin will play the title role, a young girl abandoned by her drug-addicted, former-groupie mother (Shue) at a concert, who surprises the fading rock singer who’s performing (Nivola) with news that she is his daughter.  The film is written and will be directed by David M. Rosenthal (“See This Movie”), who based the story on his similar experience.

Because he went to a concert once and got the idea to write a movie during an ecstasy binge, you see.  GRRR, based on a true story!

There was, in fact, a notorious Janie Jones in 1960s-’70s London who made waves as a pop star and famous madam. The Clash subsequently memorialized her in the first song on their 1977 debut album.  ["and in retrospect, this story has nothing to do with her." -Ed.]

You know, I think what would really make this story pop is if Disney took over. They could cast The Rock as the fading rock singer.  Then he could find out a mentally challenged fan is actually his son from a previous dalliance with a drug mule in Poughkeepsie.  The son would be played by Sean Astin.  “Rudy Can’t Fail”, they could call it.

My Sister’s Keeper stars Abigail Breslin as a girl “genetically conceived” by her parents Cameron Diaz and Jason Patric to provide organs for her cancer-afflicted sister.  From the director of The Notebook, My Sister’s Keeper is a film about friendship, family, love, and most of all, cancer.  Roger Ebert says, “I cried so hard I queefed a bon bon.” Ben Lyons called it “heartwarming, homey.”

Dakota Fanning and her sister Elle are being replaced by Abigail Breslin (Little Miss Sunshine) and Sofia Vassilieva in the Nick Cassavetes drama My Sister’s Keeper.

Sources said Dakota Fanning balked at a request that she shave her head for the role and both sisters withdrew abruptly.

Reached for comment, Fanning said, “Only dykes and hippies shave their heads,” in between packs of unfiltered Camels.  “Don’t tell nobody I said that.  I ain’t afraid to kill a snitch."

Breslin, who was Oscar-nominated for "Little Miss Sunshine," will take over the role of a young girl who sues for emancipation from parents who conceived her as a genetic match so she could prolong the life of her ailing older sister. Cameron Diaz plays the mother of the girls, a tough lawyer who takes her own case in court. Alec Baldwin plays the attorney who represents the child.

Something something “Rude little pig,” *rimshot*