This is the newest trailer for Zack Snyder’s Sucker Punch (opens March 25th).  It’s fun to watch the trailer for Endhiran (that’s the Indian movie featuring the giant snake made of robot men that slithers around eating cars) because it’s foreign and you can’t understand the words, which creates a nice cognitive distance from which you can say, “Man, foreigners.  They are bugf*ck insane, amirite?”  But let’s have a little perspective here.  Imagine you’re an Indian dude watching the trailer for Sucker Punch.  It has, in order of appearance:

• A fire-breathing dragon
• A WWI-era German army of the undead
• A tank
• A robot samurai
• A robot German
• A robot of indeterminate origin with an exploding face
• Giant samurai now shooting a gatling gun

And that’s just the first half before the quick cuts start.  (This version of the trailer doesn’t even show the dinosaurs).  It’s like Zack Snyder snuck into Michael Bay’s dreams and filled a movie with his secrets. Right about now you’d be rubbing your magic beads and muttering a prayer to a cobra or whatever those people do.

Much like Sucker Punch‘s protagonist who fights a war inside her own mind, I like to imagine that in Zack Snyder’s head, he’s the hero of an epic movie where everything he does happens in super slow-mo, but in reality it’s just him making whooshing sounds with his mouth while he peels an orange.

Zack Snyder is through staging fights between stuntmen dressed in cardboard wings, and all that’s left for him now is to finish Sucker Punch, which just released this new trailer.  It stars Emily Browning as a girl who gets sent to some awesome, hot-chicks-only insane asylum, where the only way she can escape is through her power to imagine sexy scenarios.  If you saw Inception and you wondered why everyone’s dreams seemed so much like reality, and you were like, “Hey, where are the dragons and zombies and robot samurai?”  BOOM!  HERE’S THE DRAGONS AND ZOMBIES AND SAMURAI GATLING GUNS!  And of course, the hot chicks will fight them wearing fetishy tights and schoolgirl gear.  I love Zack Snyder, but I worry that this one’s going to be too dry.  C’mon, dude, this isn’t NPR, don’t be afraid to put some cool sh*t in there.

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Bright Star is a film starring Abbie Cornish and Ben Whishaw, from The Piano director Jane Campion, about the romance between poet John Keats and Fanny Brawne, “an outspoken student of high fashion.”  The film was much loved by critics at Cannes, who I don’t trust for a second.  Here are some out-of-context audio snippets from the trailer:

- “Mr. Keats knows he cannot like you.  He has no living and no income.”
- “He was a dreamer… she was a realist.”
- “But every word he wrote… inspired the rapture of first love.”
- “…a romance, that would live forever.”
- “You taught me to love, you never said only the rich!”
- “There is a holiness to the heart’s affections, you know nothing of that!”
- “Based on the true story of a brilliant poet, and the BRIGHT STAR who was his shining light.”
- “I almost wish we were butterflies, and lived but three summer days.”

As it turns out, poets and fashion students were just as insufferable in the 1800s.  Tuberculosis FTW.

Watchmen “visionary director” Zack Snyder’s next project is called Sucker Punch, and it was recently announced that the cast will include sexy near-jailbait Amanda Seyfried, Evan Rachel Wood, Abbie Cornish, Emma Stone, and Vanessa Hudgens [does anyone else constantly misread her name as Amanda Hugginkiss?  Just me then?].

Snyder, who co-wrote the script with Steve Shibuya, has described the fantasy world as ” ‘Alice in Wonderland’ with machine guns,” blending such elements as dragons, B-52 bombers and brothels. [No tigers?]
Set in the 1950s, “Punch” follows a girl who is confined to a mental institution by her stepfather, who intends to have her lobotomized in five days. While there, she imagines an alternative reality to hide her from the pain, and in that world, she begins planning her escape, needing to steal five objects to help get her out before she is deflowered by a vile man. [THR]

Vile? Hey, screw you, man.  Don’t try to make it like I’m the pervy one.  A fetish for lobotomites is no different than one for feet or Asians or amputees.  I put the vile in virile.  Call me, ladies.  Or have your nurse do it.