Here in America, we don’t need the coronation of a king or the birth of Jesus to hold a holiday, just a handful of dudes looking to earn some green. Black Friday, the holiday that comes a day after Thanksgiving that we celebrate with rednecks pulling guns on each other over bargain-priced flatscreens, eventually begat Cyber Monday (that’s today!), another consumer-product based holiday, this time for those of us who’d rather buy our sale-priced electronics online. As a man who once bought sweat pants off Amazon, and who’d avoid the mall even if I was with my dying mother and her dialysis machine was there, Cyber Monday is much closer to my heart.

Even the relative technophobes among us love to online shop, and in honor of Cyber Monday, we choose to celebrate the most famous of them, Newsroom creator, social media skeptic, and all-around Hollywood titan, Aaron Sorkin. Through his hacked, seldom-used now defunct Twitter account, FilmDrunk was able to exclusively uncover Sorkin’s Amazon history, and it turns out, in addition to being a prolific, politically-minded writer of acclaimed film and television, Aaron Sorkin is also the author behind a number of snappily-written Amazon product reviews. It makes so much sense when you think about it. Thus, we celebrate Cyber Monday by sharing with you a cross-section of Aaron Sorkin’s recently-uncovered Amazon product reviews. (*cough* parody, please don’t sue us! *cough, cough*) Enjoy!

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The @AaronSorkin Twitter account you see above may not look legit, but according to THR, EntertainmentWeekly, Salon, and others, who reported him joining the site at the end of last month, it indeed belongs to the real Aaron Sorkin. The first tweet was even a picture of Sorkin holding that day’s New York Times next to a framed poster of The West Wing (below). But I’m much more convinced by the fact that he doesn’t know (or care) how to add an avatar, classic Sorkin.

That he’d joined the social network was a big deal because The Social Network took some heat on account that out of the three principles – Sorkin, David Fincher, and star Jesse Eisenberg – none actually used Facebook. But the fact that Aaron Sorkin joined Twitter, tweeted twice, then got his account hacked by some bot sending out survey links (as of about an hour ago, as of this writing), is a more perfect Aaron Sorkin parody than any Aaron Sorkin parody could ever be. Look out, spam bot, your robot hacker hideout is about to be turned into a ping pong room.

ME: Hey, Aaron Sorkin, you should probably change your Twitter password.

SORKIN: YA THINK?!

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Aaron Sorkin explains his process of stroking himself off.

Because he’s really quite something, Aaron Sorkin spoke today at an event in DC called The Hero Summit, put on by Daily Beast and Newsweek. Because I maintain a Nikki Finke-like rolodex of super spies, I had a FilmDrunkard in the crowd. It turns out Sorkin dropped some details of his Steve Jobs biopic, even though he apparently wasn’t supposed to. Meanwhile, Ashton Kutcher’s competing biopic, “jOBS” is looking more Jackie Jormp-Jomp every day, despite that brilliant title.

As for Sorkin’s version, Sorkin told the crowd that his Jobs biopic would consist of three thirty-minute scenes in real time, depicting the behind-the-scene events in the lead-up to three product launches, the Mac, the NeXT, and the iPod, eschewing the “cradle-to-grave structure” of traditional biopics. Three locations? God, I hope there’s lots of talking…

It sounds pretty fitting for a Sorkin project, though it will be interesting to see how Sorkin balances his admiration for Jobs with his utter hatred of the internet. I’m half expecting a Robert Oppenheimer-esqe scene of a regretful Jobs on his deathbed saying, “I never would’ve done what I’ve done if I’d known people were going to converse in 140 characters like a bunch of goddamned animals. God forgive me, take me away to that idealized past where people were civil, the one that exists in the minds of all Baby Boomers…” (*Newsroom intro music starts to swell*)

Meanwhile, our tipster tells us, Sorkin’s last conversation with Jobs before he died was apparently Jobs asking Sorkin to write a Pixar film, which, sadly, doesn’t sound like it will happen now that he’s gone. And to think what could’ve been. I like to imagine Wall E giving EVE a sarcasm-drenched YA THINK?! as they discuss EVE’s regrettable affair with a GO-4. EVE was weak, but it’s not her fault, that’s just how women are.

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This week on the Frotcast, Matt Louv, the Museum of Comedy, returns to the Frotquarters to read us his favorite OKCupid email come ons and subsequent rejection emails. This leads to a discussion of Mystery and the pick-up artist phenomenon, and finally, we have a fairly heated discussion about Aaron Sorkin’s new show, News Night. The Newsroom. Whatever. That starts at the 53-minute mark, and leads to some heated debate about idealizing the past, hearing your parents scream about Twitter, Baby Boomers, the liberal elite, the state of journalism, and smarm in general. Oh, and of course, we update the status of the Fantasy Summer Box Office game.

Subscribe on iTunes. Email us at frotcast@gmail.com. Voicemail us at 415.275.0030. Follow me on Twitter. Follow Laremy on Twitter. Follow Ben on Twitter. Download the Stitcher App and stream the Frotcast to your iPhone or Android device.

More detailed notes after the jump, courtesy of Adam.

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Every artist has idiosyncrasies, but there are times when someone’s tics are so perfectly and succinctly illustrated that it becomes impossible to un-see. Kevin Smith’s “and sh*t” was one of those times. I’d like to think my Terrence Howard’s hats megamix was one of those times (seriously, the dude owns A LOT of hats). Aaron Sorkin, your parents’ Joss Whedon, certainly has his idiosyncrasies, and this new supercut of Aaron Sorkinisms, defined here as lines of dialog appearing in multiple Sorkin projects, is definitely one of those times.

Assorted Sorkinisms include:

• Don’t get cute with me
• Fire me, or shut the hell up.
• I’m not other people.
• This chick is all about Eve.
• To say nothing of the fact…
• Ya think?
• Not for nothing…
• I’m really quite something.
• Bring it, boss.
• The streets of heaven are crowded with angels.
• That’s the cost of doing business.
• This is isn’t camp, it’s not important that everyone gets to play.

Someone as talented and prolific who’s written for as many shows as Aaron Sorkin, it’s inevitable that you’re going to plagiarize yourself from time to time. But it’s impossible for me to imagine that a guy whose pet phrases include “I’m really quite something,” “ya think?” and people correcting each other’s usage of “who” and “whom” isn’t incredibly smarmy. He strikes me as either a guy who gets punched a lot, or not enough.

[Buzzfeed]

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