Last week, an old friend of mine posted on his Facebook account that he got a role in the upcoming Paranormal Movie. I thought, “That’s odd, I don’t have much of a life so I usually pay attention to these terrible new spoof movies every time they pop up, because I hate them and they’ve destroyed a once fantastic film genre.” Plus, I knew there were already at least two Paranormal Activity spoofs – Paranormal Parody and Paranormal Whacktivity – so I thought maybe he was confused. But sure enough, Marlon Wayans is returning to the spoof well with his own Paranormal Activity spoof.

Then the news came out that Lindsay Lohan is in talks to join Ashley Tisdale in Scary Movie 5, and I wondered if maybe those are the same movies, and of course they’re not. Again, we’ve got two similar ideas coming out at the same time, because screw you, that’s why.

As for Lohan, is this a case of a grateful young actress looking to climb her way back to relevance by taking any role she can get and treating it with respect and gratitude? Nah.

They say three is a trend, and Lindsay Lohan may have just notched her third major acting role. The embattled actress looks to put court appearances and stumbling out of nightclubs behind her with a turn in “Scary Movie 5,” a film The Wrap reports she is in talks to join.

Though E! reports that no offer has been made, the move would be a good sign for the starlet’s career. (Via HuffPo)

Normally, this is where I’d mock the idea that this horrible film would be a good sign, but considering the first four films have combined to gross more than $428 million and Charlie Sheen’s reemergence into pop culture was certainly boosted by his starring role in Scary Movie 3, I wouldn’t rule out the possibility of Lohan getting her own CBS sitcom and an endorsement for Golden Corral as a result.

In summary, Aaron Seltzer’s and Jason Friedberg’s funniest joke continues to be the whoopee cushion they’ve placed under the ass of society.

The entertaining Tumblr site Ruin-A-Wish Foundation recently found a book page from a copy of The Godfather that apparently belonged to the film’s eventual director, Francis Ford Coppola. The (we assume, real, otherwise I don’t get the joke) page contains scene notes for the Academy Awards’ 1972 Best Picture winner, and they’re basically incredibly brief and sloppy insight into the mind of the man who created one of the greatest movies of all-time.

You can read the notes for yourself after the jump, and as an added bonus I also personally dug up the scene notes of Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg from Epic Movie.

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Remember

Best Actor: Daniel Auteuil. With an average film score of 86 percent, Auteuil has appeared in the most consistently high-quality films of the last few decades. The French star, best known for his role in Jean de Florette (1986), may benefit from the critical soft spot for foreign films. If you prefer to count only red-blooded Americans, the top honor goes to John Ratzenberger (76.1 percent average), who has voiced a character in every Pixar movie to date. [Slate]

Oh right, Pixar.  Meanwhile, if you throw out his voice work, he’s got scores of 0% (House II: The Second Story, starring Bill Maher, among others), 13% (for That Darn Cat, with Doug E. Doug), and who could forget the 2007 Jamie Kennedy vehicle, Kickin’ It Old Skool, which rated 2%.  The lone positive review came from Caroline Kepnes of E, who wrote, “This is the kind of movie in which a fat guy in a bra gets felt up by three guys at once,” which, to be fair, does make it sound pretty good. Meanwhile, worst actor honors go to Chuck Norris (20) and Jennifer Love Hewitt (18.9). Now, it was at this point in writing this post that I realized that this Slate article is from a few weeks ago, but I’ve included a few notable career graphs below, because God knows I’m not wasting all this work.
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No one knows much about “directors” Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg, as they wisely keep a low profile.  The only thing certain is that their “movies”, Disaster Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, are like a biblical plague.  They’re almost impressive in that it’s impossible to overstate how bad they are.  No one knows why they keep getting made, or why their financiers aren’t tarred, feathered, and sterilized.  And though everyone hates them, financially, they seem to be doing just fine.  In fact, Seltzer recently put his house on the market – for almost three million dollars.

Film writer-director-producer Aaron Seltzer has listed his Studio City home at $2,949,000. The Cape Cod-style house, built in 1951, has five bedrooms and 5 1/2 bathrooms in about 4,200 square feet. The sunroom has walls of French doors. [LATimes]

That’s right, the guy who wrote Disaster Movie was living in a $3 million house.  Game over, man, game over. I may have to cheer for the terrorists from now on.

[Thanks to 'Slowhand' for the tip]