It’s been a while since I used to troll the industry trades and come across projects so lame-sounding that it was like found comedy, but leave it to Lionsgate to remind me of the old days, by announcing plans for “I, Frankenstein.” It’s not every day you come across a gem like “starring Aaron Eckhart as Frankenstein.” That’s right, proposterously movie handsome, cleft-chinned actor Aaron Eckhart, as Frankenstein. The only way a movie called “I, Frankenstein” could be good is if it was a Mr.-Smith-Goes-to-Washington-style tale that climaxes with Frankenstein giving an emotional speech before congress, a la Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. “Ladies and gentleman, I know I’m just a humble Frankenstein, a reanimated chimera made from from stolen corpse parts, but if there’s one thing I do know, it’s the human heart…”

Sadly, this does not appear to be the case.

Lionsgate has confirmed an updated release date for the comic book adaptation I, Frankenstein. Based on the graphic novel and original screenplay by Kevin Grevioux (creator of the Underworld series), the film stars Aaron Eckhart as Adam, a contemporary Frankenstein monster now living in a dark, gothic metropolis who finds himself caught in an all-out, centuries old war between two immortal clans. [FirstShowing]

The main thrust of the announcement was that the movie’s release has been changed from September to January 2014. Crazy, right? That they’d want to release a film about a contemporary Frankenstein in a gothic metropolis in January, and not in post-blockbuster, September awards-movie season? BUT HOW WILL THE OSCAR VOTERS REMEMBER IT COME JANUARY 2015, HOW?!?

Set in a dystopic present where vigilant gargoyles and ferocious demons rage in a battle for ultimate power, Victor Frankenstein’s creation Adam (Aaron Eckhart) finds himself caught in the middle as both sides race to discover the secret to his immortality. From the creators of the hit supernatural saga, Underworld, comes an action thriller written for the screen and directed by Stuart Beattie based on the graphic novel “I, Frankenstein” by Kevin Grievous. [ComingSoon]

Jesus, gargoyles, demons, and frankenstein, they’re really scraping the bottom of the royalty-free monster barrel now. What’s next, garden gnomes? Mummies vs. chupacabras? In conclusion…

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“Mustang, this is Big Top, bringing out the full package,” coincidentally, is also what I say into a walkie-talkie right before I get arrested for indecent exposure.

As you can see, the trailer has just hit for Antoine Fuqua’s Olympus Has Fallen, starring Gerard Butler as a Secret Service agent stuck in the White House after terrorists take over and Speaker of the House Morgan Freeman has to become acting president. If you ask me, Morgan Freeman becoming president seems like a win-win for everyone, but according to screenwriters Creighton Rothenburger (HOLY LACROSSE NAME, BATMAN!) and Katherine Benedkt, this is considered “conflict.” Moreover, this seems to have everything you’d expect in an action movie:

It’s Die Hard in a _____!

Explosions.

CUT TO: “…Oh. My. God.”

But what it isn’t is White House Down, the original Die Hard-in-the-White-House movie starring our boy Channing Tatum and Jamie Foxx (yes, this is a real movie, with Independence Day‘s Roland Emmerich directing). Does Olympus Has Fallen have C-Tates as agent Cole Baretta? Does it have Chet Haze as Cole Baretta’s protege, agent-in-training JJ Streetz? Does it have Cole Baretta’s partner, a talking pit bull voiced by Pit Bull? Does it have zombie attacks, or the ghosts of Tupac and Biggie showing up to give Cole Baretta advice like Obi-wan Kenobi? No, it has none of these things. Granted, unless Sony gives Burnsy that re-write job he’s been pushing for, neither will White House Down. But White House Down gave us the room to dream, and that’s what’s important. So Antoine Fuquoff with this non-C-Tates-having garbage.

As we’ve previously reported, Channing Tatum’s upcoming action film White House Down has been fast-tracked for production beginning next month after it was revealed that a similar project, White House Taken, was being shopped around at Cannes. Starring Gerard Butler, White House Taken also tells the story of a secret service agent that fights a terrorist group – in this version it’s North Koreans – as it tries to capture the President.

Having already felt the mad C-Tates heat, Nu Image and Millenium are also feeling the pressure to speed things up, as the film, now named Olympus Has Fallen, isn’t slated to hit theaters until 2014. According to The Hollywood Reporter, the Antoine Fuqua-directed film’s cast is filling out quickly.

Oscar winner Melissa Leo and Rick Yune are joining the cast of Olympus Has Fallen, Nu Image/Millennium’s White House-set action thriller being directed by Antoine Fuqua.

The movie, which stars Gerard Butler, is in casting mode as it goes into production this week. Aaron Eckhart, Angela Bassett, Cole Hauser and Radha Mitchell already have been cast.

This is one of the lamest trends in Hollywood, when two studios compete to make the same exact movie in a hurry because they think that whichever film comes out first can declare supremacy. It happened with Volcano and Dante’s Peak, Tombstone and Wyatt Earp, The Illusionist and The Prestige, Saving Private Ryan and The Thin Red Line, and Philadelphia and Beethoven’s 2nd.

But this case obviously hits home the hardest, as we’ve been exclusively delivering you amazing White House Down storyboards in anticipation for what will clearly be Tatum’s most prolific blockbuster to date. Shame on Nu Image and Millennium, and shame on Butler. He should know better than to piggyback on C-Tates’ swag.

Bruce Robinson’s adaptation of Hunter S. Thompson’s Rum Diary finally hits theaters October 28th, after beginning filming two years ago. It promises to win Johnny Depp just enough goodwill that you can’t fully hate him when he shows up in the next Bruckheimer turd. I guess I can’t blame him for that. Anyway, today we’ve got 20 new pictures and two new clips, the first starring Amber Heard (HOT LESBIAN ALERT) as Chenault, when she first meets Thompson’s Paul Kemp while skinny dipping.

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"Lost boyeeeeeeez..."

When it was announced that Channing Tatum had sold a million-dollar pitch for a gritty reimagining of Peter Pan, it seemed strange for a whole host of reasons, not the least of which being that Peter Pan is a pre-pubescent scamp traditionally played by a girl, and Channing Tatum is a mumbly, 31-year-old whigger with a burned penis.  Welcome to Never Neverland Florida, Son! HOO HOO! Anyway, today we’ve got some more details on the project, and long story short, IT TOTALLY MAKES SENSE NOW.  [SORRY, THIS STORY IS NOT ACTUALLY ABOUT THE SAME PROJECT, SEE UPDATE BELOW]

Aaron Eckhart and AnnaSophia Robb will star in the dark spin on Peter Pan that was originally set up at New Line as a directing vehicle for Guillermo del Toro.

Ben Hibon will direct the story from a screenplay by Ben Magid in which Eckhart plays Hook, the Captain Hook character reimagined as a tormented former detective on the trail of a childlike kidnapper. Robb, riding high following the solid recent launch of Soul Surfer, will portray Wendy, the lone survivor who leaves an asylum to help in the hunt.

Sean Bean has been cast as Smee, the chief detective and Hook’s only ally on the force.  [ScreenDaily]

Remember how the Coen Brothers’ O Brother Where Art Thou was a wacky re-imagining of The Odyssey by Homer?  This is… nothing like that.  My best guess as to how Hollywood functions these days is that they take a talented parody writer, surgically remove his self-awareness, implant an earnestness chip inside his brain, and make him listen to Drowning Pool on repeat while guys in Affliction shirts scream catchphrases at him.  SERIAL KILLERS! CHILD MURDER! DETECTIVES!  “Okay okay, I wrote a script, it’s called Sergeant Tom Sawyer: Special Amnesia Unit! Just make it stop!”

UPDATE: I apologize, although it’s listed as the same on IMDB, this is NOT the Channing Tatum Peter Pan project.  Apparently there are THREE SEPARATE Peter Pan projects in development. This Law & Order style one outlined above, with Eckhart and Sean Bean; Channing Tatum’s version, called Pan, where Peter Pan and Captain Hook are brothers (either biological or African-American, I’m not sure); and a third which is said to have a Twilight spin.  And even with two Peter Pan projects already in development, someone still paid $1 million for Channing Tatum’s version.  My mind is blown.