New in theaters this week:

G.I. Joe
Paramount hired a director known for making crappy movies to make this crappy movie, then they made G.I. Joe an international police force so they could sell it to foreign markets, and then, to deflect criticism when they wouldn’t show their crappy movie to critics, they all put on flag pins and tried to perpetuate that whole red state/blue state bullsh-t again.  Class-y.  I will however give them credit for calling the movie “The Rise of Cobra” and then putting out a commercial in which the only line of dialog is “What did you say your unit was called?”   I call mine Sergeant Slaughter.

Julia & Julia
Nora Ephron’s film telling the parallel stories of Julia Child (Meryl Streep) working her way up the ranks of French cooking and Julie Somethingorother (Amy Adams) writing a blog about Julia Child.  Why do we need to see the second one again?

A Perfect Getaway
Steve Zahn and Milla Jovovich are on their Honeymoon in Hawaii.  But will their dream vacation (*RECORD SCRATCH*) become a waking nightmare?  (*mouthfart*)

I Sell the Dead (limited)
Dominic Monaghan sells corpses to Ron Perlman.  Doesn’t look like my cup o’ tea, probably because I only drink whiskey.  Whiskey and chainsaws.

Paper Heart (limited)
I keep calling this one “When Harry Meta Sally” because I came up with that a few months ago and someone told me it was clever (thanks, mom).  Anyway, Michael Cera and Charlyne Yi fall in love but it’s awkward, because they are awkward people.  I don’t know if I’ll end up seeing this this weekend but I kinda wanna go eat hot wings with the little black girl.  She seems like my type, and by that I mean I think I could overpower her.

Cold Souls (limited)
Paul Giamatti stars in the Charlie Kaufman-esque story of a guy who sells his soul, because he’s so drained from rehearsals for Chekhov’s Uncle Vanya.  A character obsessed with Chekhov earns a special, limited edition “dismissive slow wank” from me.