Opening this weekend:
- Monsters vs. Aliens: Features Steven Colbert playing the president and a solid cast of voices so I’m sure it won’t be too hard to sit through if the droolshitters need up shutting, but it’s still not Pixar. And the quicker this 3-D revival trend dies the better. Why? I dunno, I’m just a hater, y’all.
- A Haunting in Connecticut: “Based on a true story.” Yeah? F yourself. Also, why Connecticut? Nothing interesting happens in Connecticut. Though if I lived there, and I was trying to get a woman to shut up, I think a really good line would be, “Hey, we’re in Connecticut now: the C is silent.”
- 12 Rounds: Renny Harlin directs John Cena in a cross between Taken and Saw. I suspect I’d need to wear some control-top underwear to keep from prolapsing. I picture Vinnie Jones and Jason Statham headbutting in the front row.
(Limited Release)
- The Education of Charlie Banks: Hey, isn’t this the movie that guy from Limp Bizkit directed? *fart noise*
- Mysteries of Pittsburgh: Based on the Michael Chabon book. Serious question now: has anyone ever actually seen a Sienna Miller movie?
Bottom line: Wait for Adventureland next week.

