(This week’s Box-Office Wipe Up brought to you by Roland Emmerich’s evil twin, Rolando Emmerich.)
2012 made $65 million over the weekend, which isn’t surprising considering everyone knew about it. Though it should be noted that Roland Emmerich’s last movie, The Day After Tomorrow, actually opened bigger at $68.7 million, and I don’t know think I know anyone who saw that movie. Also… aren’t they the same movie? What’s going on here?
A Christmas Carol dropped only 25% since it’s opening last weekend, leading many to believe it will continue to play into actual Christmas and leaving little hope that Robert Zemeckis will ever abandon this ridiculous motion-capture experiment. We get it, dude, you like computers.
Precious is tearing it up, thanks to Oprah’s Midas ham hands. Either that or it’s doing well because the main character is so hot. Seriously, do any of you have her number? I want to get all up in her Shar Pei folds. Just like I did with my Shar Pei.
Welcome to today’s box office wipe up, now consisting almost solely of movies I don’t care about. Robert Zemeckis 3D motion-capture thingie A Christmas Carol was number one with $31 million, though the studio was hoping for more like $35 or $40. It remains to be seen whether this is a harbinger of an eventual stinker or whether it will continue to play through the holidays. It’s pretty ballsy to expect people to be thinking about Christmas before Thanksgiving, and I’m just waiting patiently until this whole stupid mo-cap experiment is over.
This is It landed at number two and everyone says it’s great and blah blah blah I’m never going to stop hearing about this am I. Men Who Stare at Goats opened decently at $13 million, which is more than half its estimated budget. I actually want to see it I just haven’t gotten around to seeing it yet, in case you wanted to know. I’m very busy you see.
The Fourth Kind beat Paranormal Activity for the four spot, but while Paranormal is close to the $100 million mark, The Fourth Kind will be lucky to make $30 mil. The Box, from Donnie Darko director Richard Kelly, basically bombed at $8 million. Something about it makes me not care. On the indie front, Precious opened big, earning $100,000 per location. I heard Robin Quivers talking about it on Howard Stern this morning and she said it was “torture” and “why don’t they just take the audience out behind the barn and shoot us.” The gist was, “I don’t have to watch this torturous movie to know some peoples’ lives are horrible”. That was basically my impression from the trailer, but now you’ve heard it from someone who’s actually seen it, and a famous African-American radio personality at that. Join me next week for a box office wipe up post that might actually be funny. No promises.
Opening this weekend (click titles for reviews, trailer after the jump)
The Box
Frank Langella has a box and if you press the button you get some money, but someone in the world also dies. So what’s the catch again? And how much are we talking, like a twenty spot, or less?
A Christmas Carol
A digital Jim Carrey stars in Robert Zemeckis’ latest attempt to make motion-capture happen. Dude, just film the damn actors, this computer crap looks stupid.
The Fourth Kind
Milla Jovovich and, uh, alien possession or something. I’m a little disappointing with the trailer because I know the first kind is golden showers, the second kind is poo play, and I was kind of intrigued to find out what the fourth kind was. Had my fingers crossed for some sort of shomit bukkake.
Men Who Stare at Goats
George Clooney, The Dude, Ewan Macgregor, goats — what’s not to like? I had high hopes, but the reviews haven’t been too good so far. And now I definitely won’t see it because I trust those fat, disgusting, know-it-all shut-ins like they were my brothers.
Precious
An inner-city girl goes on a quest for the magic ring that turned her fat so she can throw it off a mountain. Just kidding, of course, except the part about her being really fat. Supposed to be good, but then Oprah and Tyler Perry are involved and screw them.
Does anyone actually like motion-capture besides Robert Zemeckis?
After the jump you can watch the first full trailer for his A Christmas Carol starring digital Jim Carrey. The 3-D, motion-capture-animated adaptation of the Dickens’ tale beautifully combines two technological innovations that I hate. I’ve said it before, but look, if you want to animate something, just draw the damned thing. (and if you want to put a fleshlight in someone’s hand, use Photoshop). Motion-capture still doesn’t look as good as photography, and none of the “nifty” effects are as cool as real-world special effects like costumes and pyrotechnics. And you know how in real life you can see people’s pupils expand and contract as they focus on stuff and adjust to light? They don’t seem to do that in motion-capture, and it makes people look… well, sorta weird. Which we might be able to accept if there were… you know, any actual benefit to motion capture. I don’t want to sit through this technology’s growing pains any more than I would’ve wanted to be the first guy to get a heart transplant. “Did it work?” “Nah, he’s dead. Maybe next time we should try filling him with baboon blood first, I just have a hunch.”
Okay, now I’ve never heard of these dudes before, but I guess there is this band called The Beatles and apparently they’ve had a couple of hits over years…I guess. It’s hard to tell if they’re popular or not, because I recently bought Now That’s What I Call Music 30 and none of their songs were on it. Pussycat Dolls were on there for sure, but not these dudes called The Beatles.
Anyway, news today is that Robert Zemeckis and Disney are in talks to remake Yellow Submarine into a 3-D bigscreen feature. Don’t choke on the bong water, Spicoli, you read that correctly: a 3-D version of Yellow Submarine; an experience that sounds both amazingly awesome and yet horribly terrifying, all at the same time.
Disney and Robert Zemeckis are looking to catch the wave of Beatlemania, floating a new 3-D “Yellow Submarine” for the bigscreen, with merchandising in tow and prospects for spinning off both a Broadway musical and a Cirque du Soleil stage production. [Variety]
