Diary of a Mad Black Woman, 9-12-09:  Dear Diary: I just watched Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All by Myself.  The story was quite life affirming.  I leave the theater with a newfound perspective on life and the calm that comes with it.  Leaving the parking lot now, hoping to stop by the church social.  Hey! A guy just cut me off, even though I clearly had the right of way.  I’M A KILL YOU YOU STUPID MUTHAF*CKA!

Aaaanyway, this weekend, black folks proved once again that they like watching dudes cross dress almost as much as the British.  Tyler Perry always kills it even though I’ve never seen a movie of his (though my grandpa likes them — true story).  His I Can Do Bad All by Myself was number one by a large margin this weekend, earning $24 million and $10,656 per screen, the highest per screen average since Inglourious Basterds three weeks ago.

All About Steve‘s second weekend drop of 48% is shockingly low for a film whose best reviews were basically, “I’m gonna play devil’s advocate here and say maaaybe this film isn’t the cinematic equivalent of a gorilla fingerpainting with its own feces.”  Still, at $21 mil total, it’s far from a hit (thank God).  Now, can we stop it with the Eve-Steve puns already?  We get it, Adam & Steve went to see Stevita on Christmas Steve.  It’s been done.  Next person who makes one, I’m coming to your house to play “Steve of Destruction” on a ukulele while douching with Summer’s Steve.

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Good news, fartknockers, I’ve got a sweet prize for the winner this week: a special collector’s-edition movie book from Shane Acker’s 9, opening 9-9-09 (so easy to remember!), courtesy of Focus Features.  It’s a pretty nice prize, something I would definitely keep for myself if I wasn’t worried about getting supermodel pantie drippings all over it.  (dog fur)

As always, nominate for next week’s Comments of the Week in the comments section below.  Anyway, let’s get this thing started with the honorable mentions.  If you’re new to FilmDrunk, one thing you should know is that some of our commenters have “shticks”, which can often be “humorous.”  From Zach Galifianakis plays a Mattress Salesman:

Confucius says: Mattress salesman dream of nocturnal commission.

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Here are some of the stories I would’ve covered had I not been waiting for Time Warner to turn my cable on for four hours.  But everything’s cool now, because it almost works.

Shane Acker’s 9, which actually looks kinda cool, has a new poster.  Based on my extensive research, that staff looks like something you’d shove up a dude’s ass.

Jonathan Goldstein and John Francis Daley sold Cal of the Wild to Dreamworks.  I don’t know what it’s about, but it doesn’t matter – that title is pure gold! |Variety|

Rob Cohen has backed out of xXx: The Return of Xander Cage in order to direct Medieval, “an event-sized action film that Cohen calls ‘The Magnificent Seven’ in the Middle Ages,” and I’m sure will be good because it’s being directed by the guy who did xXx and Dragonheart.  Not to mention Stealth.  Remember Stealth?  (*fart sound*) |Variety|

Ben Stiller washed his hands after touching Mexicans and apologized by demanding a job in the Mexican government or something.  Seriously, try to figure out what the f-ck’s going on in this story. |Yahoo|

Of course.  The Star Trek coffin.  “He died the way he lived: cold and alone.” |Toplessrobot|

Weinsteins are having money troubles, and because they really need Inglourious Basterds to be a hit, they’re demanding Tarantino cut it by 40 minutes. I wished they’d had money troubles while he was editing Death Proof.  |TheWrap|

Dueling John DeLorean (the guy who invented the car) biopics are in the works, including a version from James Toback (Tyson), Brett Ratner, and Robert Evans.  $10 says Ratner collects a big paycheck for doing absolutely nothing yet again.  Reached for comment, Ratner said “Gnugh?” and coughed up a nacho. |Variety|

And finally, James Marsters, the guy who played Piccolo in Dragonball Evolution, claims there’s going to be a sequel, even though it only made $9 million in the U.S.  Because somehow, it made $45 million in Asia.  Figure that one out.  Who knows, maybe it doesn’t suck if you squint.  |somesite|

G4 just premiered a new trailer for Shane Acker’s 9, a CGI-designed-to-look-like-stop-motion film produced by Tim Burton and Wanted director Timur Bekmambetov coming in September.  The plot sounds basically like if Terminator Salvation date-raped Wall E at a frat party.

When 9 first comes to life, he finds himself in a post-apocalyptic world. All humans are gone, and it is only by chance that he discovers a small community of others like him taking refuge from fearsome machines that roam the earth intent on their extinction. Despite being the neophyte of the group, 9 convinces the others that hiding will do them no good. They must take the offensive if they are to survive, and they must discover why the machines want to destroy them in the first place. As they’ll soon come to learn, the very future of civilization may depend on them.

…But the party really kicks into high gear when 9 runs into Six from Blossom.   Boy, the 90s were stupid.

This is the new trailer for 9 (that’s right, 9, not Nine. The filmmakers think you and your Chicago Manual of Style can suck it.).

9 is an upcoming sci-fi CGI animated movie created and directed by Shane Acker. It is co-produced by Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov and animated by Attitude Studio (in Luxembourg) and by Starz Animation (in Toronto), with a few sequences done by Duncan Studios in LA. Voice cast: Elijah Wood, Christopher Plummer, Martin Landau, John C. Reilly, Jennifer Connelly and Crispin Glover. 9 will be released 9.9.9. [Source]

So basically it’s Wall E if it were produced by Tim Burton and the Wanted guy.  Instead of a robot, the post apocalyptic world is inhabited by mutant things, who discover another race of evil, more warlike mutant things.  With whom they must inevitably do battle.