DON’T YOU CLOSE THAT DOOR, C-TATES!

I don’t know, you guys. I really don’t even know how to break this news to you all right now. I guess it’s Band-Aid time, so let’s rip it right off – Channing Tatum is going to take a break from acting in 2013.

“[Reid Carolin and I] have about three to four ideas that we love that are all in the hopper. By the end of next year, we’re going to shut things down and write the first thing that we’re going to direct. We’re going to be like, alright, no more acting parts for a minute, let’s take a few and really get caring about that section of our career.” (Via EW)

Do you want to know how serious he is? Tatum has already been ruled out of playing Christian Grey in the Fifty Shades of Grey film series. Sorry ladies, but you can put your burnt vibrators away.

No, this isn’t about his fans. This is about what he wants. What HE wants. I’ve never witnessed something so incredibly selfish in my life – “Peep me, I B C-Tates n I’m all GQ’s Movie Star of da Year, People’s Sexiest Man Alive n BET’s Hottest Homeboy! I’m an A-lizzlezister now and want 2 has a mad serious career and make joints dat mean some’n 2 me n not have my restaurant open when Burnsy visits New Orleans!”

What about your fans, Channing? Yeah, that’s right, I called you Channing. You’re not C-Tates to me right now. You’re just some dude, who is actually probably going to focus on being a father, trying to “do what’s best for him”. Disgusting.

Well, Tatum fans, enjoy the world’s greatest actor while he lasts, because when 2013 hits in a few weeks, you’re only going to be able to see Channing Tatum in GI Joe: Retaliation, Side Effects, White House Down and Foxcatcher. And then in 2014? Just The Contortionist’s Handbook, 21 Jump Street 2 and Jupiter Ascending. That’s it. That’s all you get.

What a jerk.

The copyright owner of EL James’ Fifty Shades of Grey, and Universal, the studio producing the film adaptation, are suing the producers of Fifty Shades of Grey: A XXX Adaptation. The sticking point here being the “a XXX adaptation” part, as opposed to the more lawsuit-resistant “a XXX parody.” Meanwhile, let’s not forget that Fifty Shades of Grey itself started out as a porn adaptation of Twilight, which is where this banner image came from:

“Snowqueens Icedragon” was E.L. James’ original pen name. (Hey, writers, stop it with the phony initials-for-names).

The Fifty Shades trilogy was developed from a Twilight fan fiction originally titled “Master of the Universe” and published episodically on fan-fiction websites under the pen name “Snowqueen’s Icedragon”. The piece featured characters named after Stephenie Meyer’s characters in Twilight, Edward Cullen and Bella Swan. After comments concerning the sexual nature of the material, James removed the story from the fan-fiction websites and published it on her own website, FiftyShades.com. Later she rewrote Master of the Universe as an original piece, with the principal characters renamed Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele and removed it from her website prior to publication.

So, a porn adaptation suing a porn adaptation, basically. This would be meta if it weren’t so asinine.

Smash Pictures and James Lane (“Jim Powers”) evidently thought [Fifty Shades of Grey was screaming to be made into porn]. The makers of Fifty Shades of Grey: a XXX Adaptation are now being taken to court over an what the plaintiffs call a “willful attempt to capitalize on the reputation of the book.”
Last summer, L.A. Weekly reviewed the potential porn film of the book franchise, saying, “While parodies are the only way adult film studios can make any money these days, making a ‘Fifty Shades’ version is truly the only way to put the three erotic novels on film in their BDSM glory without MPAA censorship and film industry finger-wagging.”
Want to bet?
In that same article, Smash exec Stuart Wall gave the publication a quote, saying, “Since they are going to make a mainstream [film] of the books, too, dabbling in the adult world we’re choosing to go with a XXX adaption which will stay very true to the book and its S&M-themed romance.”

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Bret Easton Ellis wrote Less Than Zero, Rules of Attraction, and American Psycho, and for that he’ll always have my respect (I also enjoyed Lunar Park, though Glamorama was absolute drivel). But there’s no denying that the guy is

Meanwhile, he’s been closely following the development of a Fifty Shades of Grey movie adaptation, which seems odd for a guy with arguable literary relevance, to be interested in Twilight fan-fic originally published under the name Snowqueen’s IceDragon (this is true, by the way, not something I’m making up). Bringing us to yesterday, when Kelly Marcel was officially hired to write the Fifty Shades of Grey movie adaptation. BEE… did not seem pleased:

Kelly Marcel?!? KELLY MARCEL?!? Kelly Marcel is WRITING the script for “Fifty Shades of Grey”?!? THIS is the movie they want to make? ARGH.

— Bret Easton Ellis (@BretEastonEllis) October 9, 2012

All I really know about Fifty Shades is that the idea that anyone would be interested in Twilight fan-fic scares the sh*t out of me, let alone it taking up the top four spots on the best-seller list. Ellis tweets apparently sparked a mini-feud with the Fifty Shades producer, but my only real dog in this fight is its potential to produce more entertaining Bret Easton Ellis Twitter battles. So far so good.

After the jump, a few favorites.

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'He'd be purrrrrfect!"

Ever since Fifty Shades of Grey became the biggest thing in the world, from being a best-selling book series to jacking up the prices of rope at hardware stores (thanks, pervs), fans have been wondering who will play Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele in the big screen version. And despite the fact that this series spawned from message board Twilight fan fiction by a woman who called herself Snowqueen Icedragon, those same fans are quite certain that the movies have A-list written all over them.

The latest rumor – joining those that had Angelina Jolie directing or Matt Bomer playing Christian or Channing Tatum starring with his wife, Jenna – is that Ryan Gosling is going to play Christian, and we should totally believe it because it comes straight from John Q. Icedragon.

The husband of Fifty Shades Of Grey author EL James has dropped a strong hint that Ryan Gosling will take the lead role of Christian Grey in the film adaptation of the erotic novel.

Niall Leonard says that ‘last he heard’ Ryan, 31, was in the frame to play the manipulative billionaire – but denies that the character is based on himself.

‘I’m glad I’m not him because he’s actually damaged,’ says Niall.

‘I wouldn’t have liked to go through what he went through.’ (Via Now Daily)

Leonard then set his diamond-encrusted goblet down and put his cigarette out on the tongue of a Namibian baby, wiping his brow with the large bills of each nation in the G8, before adding, “Now if you’ll excuse me, my wife is starting a new adventure about an intergalactic racecar driver with penis fingers on a NASCAR fan site.”

As for Gosling, this would be a stretch for the Baby Goose we know and love, but I can just imagine him holding a whip and handcuffs as he whispers, “Hey girl, the only bonds I believe in don’t mature until you’re 18.”

"Pweeze stop negwecting me!"

Last we checked in on the Fifty Shades of Grey book trilogy, author Erika Leonard – AKA E.L. James, AKA Snowqueen Icedragon – was sitting pretty and incredibly wealthy in the Top 4 spots on the USA Today’s Best-Selling Books List. Of course, how can three books take up four spots? Because the paperback bundle of the entire trilogy is in 4th place. Take that, books that some other losers wrote!

And the last we checked in on the possibility of a Fifty Shades film, there were outrageous rumors that Angelina Jolie might sign on to direct. Sure, we scoffed at that, but it turns out there are some pretty big producers working on what will indeed be a film trilogy produced by Universal Pictures. Michael De Luca (The Social Network, Moneyball) and Dana Brunetti (The Social Network, 21) now stand before millions of horny women who will kill them if they screw this up.

Universal Pictures and Focus Features secured rights to the Fifty Shades trilogy for $5 million in March and have since been looking to fill roles for on screen and behind the scenes.

“At its core, Fifty Shades of Grey is a complex love story, requiring a delicate and sophisticated hand to bring it to the big screen,” Universal Pictures co-chairman Donna Langley said in an announcement. (Via Mashable)

Just $5 million? That seems like a hell of a bargain for what’s sure to be a surefire blockbuster trilogy. I suppose that leaves more money available for Universal to throw $20 million per film at Michael Fassbender so he can pretty much guarantee that no guys ever get laid again.

RELEVANT UPDATE: Dana Brunetti is friends with porn stars so he’s god a solid background.