And now, in news I couldn’t possibly have made up:

50 Cent is also going to be producing movies now, apparently. He’s launching a production company called Cheetah Vision, and he’s claiming that one of the first movies will be The Dance, which will star both Nicolas Cage and 50 himself. [Pitchfork]

Excerpt from THE DANCE, original screenplay:

CAGE: Riddle me this, homeboy, Why is it burned?

50: Yo, man, ow ownknow.

CAGE: WHY IS IT BURNED?

50: (louder) Yo, man, I said, ow own—

CAGE: WHYISITBURNEDWHYISITBURNEDWHYISITBUUUUUUURNED!

*music fades in, dance number then furious make out session*

Wanna see 50 Cent do Bollywood-style dances (or rather the Turkish Ciftetelli according to the description) on a Turkish gameshow?  Of course you do.  My favorite part comes at the 18-second mark where the host demonstrates a dance and challenges 50 Cent to do it.  Silly foreigners.  Challenging a black person to move their head and neck independently of their shoulders is like challenging a duck to float on water.

I know, I know, it sounds like a celebrity jeopardy fantasy matchup, but Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke, and 50 Cent are all going to be in the same movie together.  13 is a remake of French filmmaker Gela Babluani’s 13 Tzameti.

Babluani penned the English-language remake, which centers on a man who steals a mysterious package that promises to pay out a fortune.
“13 Tzameti” was the winner of the 2006 Sundance Grand Jury Prize.
The film will start shooting Nov. 17 in and around New York City. [Variety]

Oi, dis package ain’t so fock’n mysterious if evry bird in town’s seen it, now duz dey?  Cuz oy’s fock’n Jason bloody Stafam now ain’t oy?  Now wot’s diss big bloody black bahstahd who talks wif ‘is fock’n mouf closed doin eah?  An oo’s diss cont wiff da face dat’s made out a fock’n clay?  Duz oy get ta droive roun’ inna flash sazz wagon in diss one?  An when do oy staht trasnpor’erin’ fings?  Or duzz maybe moy package set to explode if da birds get too far away from it?  Oy’ll be in moy fock’n traila doin bloody squat frusts.

As an uncool whiteboy, normally I only start enjoying hippity hop songs 5-10 years after they come out, like NWA, or if they’re unimaginably vulgar, like Smell Yo Dick. But a couple days ago I heard the new 50 Cent track (track, that’s how people say it, right?) and it’s actually pretty damn tolerable.  I can totally picture myself rubbing my boner on some poor woman to this at the club, I thought to myself.  Anyway, news today is that 50, aka Curtis Jackson, is directing a Before I Self-Destruct movie to coincide with the release of his album of the same name later this year.

50 – real name Curtis Jackson – said: “It’s not Prince’s ‘Purple Rain,’ but it is inspired by the actual music.”
“When movies portray certain lifestyles they don’t show cause and effect, but I showed characters under pressure in scenarios where they felt like there were no other options, even though there were.”
The “In Da Club” singer is also working on the movie’s soundtrack, but bizarrely it won’t include any songs from the album Before I Self-Destruct as he doesn’t want the profits to be taken by his record company. [icelebz]

It’s true, you always have other options. It’s just that sometimes they’re hard to see.  Like, who knew that instead of going to school for like 18 years and becoming an assistant porn editor, you could’ve been writing rap albums and getting paid $100 million dollars for creating a flavor of Vitamin Water?  Dear Mom and Dad: I f-cking hate you.  Signed, Vince.

Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino are the greatest living actors because everyone says so. They’re in another movie together and it’s called Righteous Kill.  They play two hardboiled, method-acting Italian cops and if you think they’re going to take crap from anyone, well, you sir can just stand there whilst I yell loudly and gesture at my crotch.  I’m sorry, I’m Italian, it’s just what we do.

50 Cent is also in this, and he’s similarly known for his in-your-face attitude and frequent crotchgrabbery.  The blacks are always copying us.  He even plays a guy named ‘Spider’ like Michael Imperioli did in Goodfellas.  Meanwhile, DeNiro plays “Turk”, Al Pacino plays “Rooster”, and Brian Dennehy plays Lieutenant Hingus, whose goal in life I can only assume is a promotion to Colonel. 

(trailer after the jump)