There’s a new, super long, nonsensical trailer out for Twelve, from director Joel Schumacher, starring Hollywood super twink Chace Crawford.  It premiered at Sundance, and though Sundance was originally supposed to be for independent, up-and-coming filmmakers, apparently it’s now for guys who made millions directing abominable Batman movies and their vanity projects starring famous people and rappers.  It’s sad, Robert Redford is probably turning over in his grave right now.

From what I can tell, Twelve is a Bret Easton Ellis-ish story (based on a 2002 Nick McDonell novel) about a drug called twelve, rich kids in their bras, über douche-nozzle PC from NYC Prep jizzing his pants, and Fiddy Cent taking some drugged-up slut to the candy shop.  The actual plot is hard to glean, so after the jump, I did the old recreate-the-plot-using-negative-reviews trick again.

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Phew, I had to post this quick before 20 more people emailed it to me.  Anyway, apparently 50 Cent caught the video of Sexman (FilmDrunk’s official movie reviewer) calling him a media whore from a few months back, and instead of shooting him a bunch of times like he normally would, he flew him out to New York to make this internet video.  It’s… about as awkward as you might imagine.  I’m happy for Sexman getting to meet the famous people he talks about on the Internet.  That never happens to me.  The closest brush with fame I’ve had since I started this site was the time they shot an episode of Law and Order in my aparment.  That’s right, my apartment played PEDOPHILE’S APARTMENT on Law and Order, and I swear to God that’s true and not just me trying to make a cute joke, though now I sort of wish it was.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is the latest project getting the Hollywood train run on it.  Last week, it was a version starring Keanu Reeves from the director of Bronson, with a passing mention of Guillermo Del Toro also working on a Jekyll/Hyde project. Today comes news of yet another, this one starring 50 Cent and Forest Whitaker. Sources say the version will be more “urban,” and with more “flava,” and “bigger penises.”

[Bad Lieutenant director] Abel Ferrara is taking another walk on the wild side with a re-imagining of Robert Louis Stevenson’s “The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,” which will be contemporized and titled “Jekyll and Hyde.”  Forest Whitaker and Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson are attached to play the lead roles. [Variety]

No word yet on who’s playing what, but I could easily see Fiddy as Dr. Jekyll.  He drinks the potion, loses vision in one eye, then blacks out, and when he awakens later, he has nine mysterious gunshot wounds.

One week.  That’s how long 50 Cent lasted as Forrest Whitaker’s replacement on The Expendables.  With no word on why, Stallone told Harry from AICN that 50 was being replaced by Terry Crews.  It’s a shame they lost Forrest Whitaker – with Stallone, Statham, Li, Trejo, Lundgren, Rourke, et al, they needed an Oscar winner for credibility.  Now there’s no guarantee that the movie isn’t going to be like wandering into a party that’s just a bunch of roided up old dudes flexing. (and who hasn’t been there?).  But Terry Crews certainly fits in better.  Forrest Whitaker doesn’t even take his shirt off at the pool.  ;-(

FilmDrunk’s official movie reviewer, Sexman, is tired of 50 Cent’s shameless media whoring and he’s taken to the internet to question Fiddy’s street cred.  A makeup product for men?  That ain’t how we do in the Sexman family.  Anyway, you’d be wise to listen up, Mr. Cent, because if there’s one thing Sexman knows, it’s keepin it real.

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