If you’ll remember, back in May I posted the above picture of 50 Cent looking like LL Cool J’s corpse after he’d lost 60 pounds for a movie role.  Must’ve been a pretty important role, right?  Turns out it was to play “a college running back with a fierce combination of blazing speed and stunning power” who is stricken with cancer. 50 stars in a Mario Van Peebles film called Things Fall Apart, and today we have the trailer, and it is the most shockingly record-scratch-free trailer I’ve ever seen. It begins with the voiceover line:

“Deon Barnes had it all….until LIFE got in the way.”

And then… NOTHING.  Do these people know NOTHING of movie trailers?  “Billy Squidbuckets was just your average every-day dude, until ONE DAY, (*RECORD SCRATCH*) a wise old badger changed EVERYTHING.”  THE RECORD SCRATCH IS THE KEY! THAT’S HOW YOU KNOW THERE’S A PLOT REVERSAL!  That’s how it’s been done since the beginning of time, probably!  It’s 50 Cent!  Playing a football player with cancer!  The record scratch should be the FIRST STEP! The first line of the shooting budget! Create a Kickstarter page if you have to! A 50 Cent movie with no record scratch? My God, it’s like everything I thought I knew about rap is wrong.

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The international trailer for The Mechanic, starring Jason Statham in a remake of the 1972 Charles Bronson film, hit yesterday.  I wasn’t going to post it, because I thought I

Said The Stath, when reached for comment, “Lately it seems loike Da Stafe is so busy, Oy ‘ardly ‘ave toime for knobbin’ fit birds!  Oy’s kiddin.  A course Oy’s knobbin birds.  Roight.  So in dis fiwm, dey caw Da Stafe ‘da mechanic,’ probably cos Oy’s always fixin’ fings. An also cos Oy’s always frowin a big fockin bloody wrench inta conts’ plans, now isn’ Oy.  When dey asked me ta do it, oy fought ta meself, ‘Oy. Stafe. Oo bettah ta troy an’ emulate den Mistah Chahles Bronson, da cont oo wiz knobbin’ birds an’ chewin’ da gyppo at age foive?‘  Da ovva fing dat appeawed ta me about it wiz dat dey told me Oy’d get ta stab some puntah inda leg wiff a speah, somefin’ Oy ‘as been on about since da Transporterah paht free.  So Oy told ‘em Da Stafe would do it, so long as oy got ta say,  ‘An dis toim… it’s personal, innit.’  Pretty flash, hey?  Da Stafe is a pushovah when it comes to clevah doyalogue.”

To complicate matters further, the trailer for 13 also hit today, and that stars Statham opposite Ray Winstone, Mickey Rourke, and 50 Cent, in a film about competitive Russian roulette.  …Yeah.

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Do not adjust your monitors, that’s not Photoshop.  50 Cent actually did lose almost 60 pounds for a movie role.  Apparently no one told him that in order to play a cancer patient, one need not actually contract cancer.

50 Cent lost a lot of weight for his upcoming movie “Things Fall Apart”. In the movie 50 Cent plays a football player diagnosed with cancer. [Co-starring Ray Liotta, Directed by Mario van Peebles]
He dropped from 214 pounds to an astonishing 160 with a liquid diet and three-hour-a-day treadmill walks for nine weeks. [Thisis50]

When Jay Leno saw this picture, he turned to Kevin Eubanks and said, “He might have to change his name to 36 pennies,” at which point Eubanks finally snapped and stabbed him in the heart.

Christian Bale is not impressed

There’s a new, super long, nonsensical trailer out for Twelve, from director Joel Schumacher, starring Hollywood super twink Chace Crawford.  It premiered at Sundance, and though Sundance was originally supposed to be for independent, up-and-coming filmmakers, apparently it’s now for guys who made millions directing abominable Batman movies and their vanity projects starring famous people and rappers.  It’s sad, Robert Redford is probably turning over in his grave right now.

From what I can tell, Twelve is a Bret Easton Ellis-ish story (based on a 2002 Nick McDonell novel) about a drug called twelve, rich kids in their bras, über douche-nozzle PC from NYC Prep jizzing his pants, and Fiddy Cent taking some drugged-up slut to the candy shop.  The actual plot is hard to glean, so after the jump, I did the old recreate-the-plot-using-negative-reviews trick again.

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Phew, I had to post this quick before 20 more people emailed it to me.  Anyway, apparently 50 Cent caught the video of Sexman (FilmDrunk’s official movie reviewer) calling him a media whore from a few months back, and instead of shooting him a bunch of times like he normally would, he flew him out to New York to make this internet video.  It’s… about as awkward as you might imagine.  I’m happy for Sexman getting to meet the famous people he talks about on the Internet.  That never happens to me.  The closest brush with fame I’ve had since I started this site was the time they shot an episode of Law and Order in my aparment.  That’s right, my apartment played PEDOPHILE’S APARTMENT on Law and Order, and I swear to God that’s true and not just me trying to make a cute joke, though now I sort of wish it was.