Those creepy pedophiles at Disney have done it again, as Hannah Montana and her hillbilly overbite had a huge $34 million win at the box office in what was Hollywood’s biggest Easter weekend ever.  4 Fast 4 Furious dropped 59% from last week’s record opening to land in number two, followed by Monsters vs. Aliens, Observe and Report, and Knowing (full top 10 after the jump).

Among this year’s releases, five films have already jumped the $100 million mark domestically vs. just one last year (“Horton Hears a Who”).  The $100 million-plus club includes “Fast and Furious,” “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” ($143.2 million), “Monsters vs. Aliens” ($141 million), “Taken” ($140 million) and “Watchmen” ($105.9 million).

With “Observe and Report,” Rogen delivered his lowest opening outside of “Zack and Miri Make a Porno,” which opened to $10.1 million last year on its way to cuming $31.5 million domestically. Warners said the R-rated film won’t be a financial loser since it was produced for less than $18 million. [Variety]

The beauty of Hannah Montana is its utter half-assedness.  I can only imagine the pitch meeting.   Okay, people, I need ideas!  Let’s see… little girls seem to enjoy pretending that they’re celebrities.  Anyone?  Come on, no one has an idea?  What about you, Evans?  EVANS: Um…. how ’bout a show… about a little girl… …who’s a celebrity?  (four-second silence)  Evans, you’re a GENIUS!

THE END.  They broke for lunch after that, because developing it any further would’ve just been extra work.  Epilogue: Everything worked out and those guys got rich.  I f*cking hate kids.

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Grease up your gearshift, sailor, because here comes The Fast and the Bi-Curious all over your face.  It stars two of my favorite comedy Jews, Andy Samberg and Seth Rogen, and it’s pretty much exactly how it sounds.  Making the Fast and Furious characters gay seems like a funny joke. But then, is it a joke?  There’re just some things that you expect to end with someone getting effed in the B.  Fast/Furious movies. WWE.  Kirk Cameron’s marriage.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  B effing, I mean.  Some of my best friends are B effers.
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Despite my repeated assertions that even for a piece of sh-t it’s a piece of sh-t, 4 Fast 4 Furious grossed $72.5 million this weekend.  It was the biggest opening of ’09, destroying the previous biggest, Monsters vs. Aliens ($58.2m) and Watchmen ($55.7), and broke the record for biggest April opening ever (though I’ve heard your aunt April is also rather loose). Now, I’ve said many times that only idiots could love Fast and Furious, and, as evidence, I’d like to share with you a comment a 4 Fast 4 Furious fan left on my weekend preview post:

barrel_racing2345 says: i think to make the next movie of the fast and furious more exciting is too make vin disels character start dating anther girl but (her knowing that actually lenny is alive) and the one who got shot is the one hitting on vin’s character…but more driving action and drama and a race to keep lenny alive but the race to death for the chick that lost her husband when lenny was actually was suppost to be shot….that way lenny can come back i miss her she needs to come back!!!!

*kisses fingertips* Mmm, now that’s some tasty stupid. It tells you all you really need to know about these movies that someone who’s a big enough fan to speculate on the plot of the next one could still think Michelle Rodriguez’s character (Letty) is named “Lenny.”  Though I think I actually prefer “Lenny.”  Maybe Vin Diesel could win her over by promising to live off the fat of the land. 

That’s right, just kneel here in front of me on this river bank, barrel_racing2345, and I’ll tell you aaaall about 5 Fast 5 Furious.  It’s just like you’ve always wanted – Vin and Letty are finally gonna get together!  It’ll be the most beautiful wedding you ever saw. *aims pistol at back of skull*  They’ll be standing together up there on the altar, looking gorgeous and tough and street… Then Paul Walker will pull up in a huuuuge, shiny limousine – with NoS, and ground effects, and chrome rims, and decals, and a huuuuge spoiler – covered in metallic flake paint…

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• Friends with benefits wedding.  “We are gathered here today to celebrate our total lack of commitment.” [CollegeHumor]
• Man ponders the age-old question: Should you masturbate to pictures of your own butt?  Answer: Only if it looks like mine.  I crush diamonds with my sphincter.  [HolyTaco]
• Andy Rooney’s review of 4 Fast 4 Furious. Warning: It’s impossible to get Andy Rooney’s voice out of your head after reading this. [ScreenJunkies]
• Jessica Biel’s stripper movie is going straight to DVD. You can see her “nipples from the front and side” and “butt (side view only)” on June 9th.  [theplaylist]
• The Kenny Powers audio book was easily the best part of Eastbound & Down.  [WarmingGlow]
• Nick Swardson’s tribute to Jane Goodall.  [Atom]
• Here’s a review of 4 Fast 4 Furious from someone who actually saw it. It’s pretty sad when they use a comparison to the original to explain why it doesn’t measure up.  Um, the first one was like Point Break but stupider. [bullzeye]
• OMG, set photos from the Twilight sequel! [DailyFill]

_{Car wheelies are the money shots of car porn}

Grease up your gearshift, sailor, because I’ve got a brand new 4 Fast 4 Furious clip after the jump.  This one focuses mainly on… uh… the GPS system?  Seriously, this sh-t is weird.  I’d be all for a stupid movie about cars and car racing, but this isn’t even well made.  70% of this clip is made up of shots of Vin Diesel and Paul Walker looking constipated or closeups of their feet pressing the pedals or their hands shifting.  So exciting!  And the one crash they do show looks like it was filmed at about 10 miles per hour. Reached for comment, director Justin Lin said, “Don’t screech the tires! I have to take those back to Costco later!”
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