Spartan Bob Ross thinks happy trees are for pussies. -Thanks, Burnsy.

MORNING LINKS
Meme Watch: Creepin’ A-Rod Is Watching You |With Leather|

George Bush Almost Asked Clint Eastwood To Be His Vice-President |UPROXX|

TorrentFreak’s Top 10 Most-Downloaded Movies of All Time |Film Drunk|

McDonald’s Employee Goes From The Dollar Menu To $40,000 Bond |Smoking Section|

A Lesbian Kiss Goodbye for ‘Charlie’s Angels’ |Warming Glow|

Sweet Science Graphic Shirts by Nonfiction Tees |Gamma Squad|

Lady Gaga Drops F-Bomb In Front Of President Clinton |Buzzfeed|

Zachary Quinto is gay. I know, shocking, right? |TheSuperficial|

A Lannister always spays his pets. |Videogum|

8 Things We Learned at ‘The Avengers’ Panel at New York Comic Con |Moviefone|

Squidbillies Jack-O-Lantern Stencils |Adult Swim|

Michael Jackson’s Neck During Moonwalk Cannot Be Unseen |The Daily What|

Here’s a cop punching a chick in the face. |BostonStool|

Kimbo smashes can in second boxing fight. |CagePotato|

6 famous Comic-Con controversies. |MentalFloss|

Here’s Nirvana playing Twister with the Smashing Pumpkins. |DogandPonyShowWebsite|

The dingiest celebrity homes. |ScreenJunkies|

The 9 most annoying people at Starbucks. |HolyTaco|

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(“Commandment 1: There is one true energy drink, and it’s name is ‘Xyience.’  Commandment 2: No fat chicks.  Commandment 3…”_)

My favorite studio 20th Century Fox has announced plans to do a film about the life of Moses, in the style of 300.  Because, as it says in Leviticus 2012, “Man shalt not lie with another man; it is abomination.  Man shalt swordfight in underwear with other sweaty, shirtless man; lo, for it is awesome.  Spake the lord: OOH WHA-AA AA-AAH!”

20th Century Fox has made a preemptive acquisition of a pitch to tell the story of Moses in “300″ style. The tale will start with his near death as an infant to his adoption into the Egyptian royal family, his defiance of the Pharoah and deliverance of the Hebrews from enslavement. The Moses story will be told using the same green screen strategy as “300,” so it will feel more like that pic or “Braveheart” than “The Ten Commandments,” the 1956 Cecil B. DeMille film.

The script will be written by Adam Cooper and Bill Collage, who make this their followup to a high-level deal they made to reinvent Herman Melville”s “Moby Dick,” with a graphic novel feel, for Wanted director Timur Bekmambetov.  [Variety]

Now, if you had any doubt about Hollywood’s descent into unintentional self-parody, keep in mind that when I first reported their graphic-novelized version of Moby Dick back in September 2008, I wrote:

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Here’s some video of Drew Brees getting the Saints pumped up for their game against The Vikings last night. “THIS. IS. NEW ORLEANS.” he yells. Get it? It’s just like that 300 movie. Pretty cool right? I mean, pretending I’m in a movie about hot shirtless dudes totally gets me pumped up. Hoo ah! Let’s go play some football!

But first, squat thrusts.

More Gif fun after the jump.

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Peter Berg (Hancock, The Kingdom) is set to direct Hercules: The Thracian Wars, based on Steve Moore’s five-issue comic book of the same name, which came out in May. This project, of course, is not to be confused with War of Gods, from Tarsem Singh and the producers of 300 about a war between Gods and humans.  Nor should it be confused with Clash of the Titans, to be directed by Louis Leterrier (Incredible Hulk).  And oh yeah, they’re also making a sequel to the 300 that they’re even admitting is a sequel to 300.

Hollywood these days is like hanging out with four coked-up dudes in a bathroom where one guy says something and the other three are so quick to agree that they just repeat what the first guy said but with "Yeah" at the beginning.  Which would be okay if the first guy’s idea was the scene where Arnold feeds the deer in Commando because that shit was awesome.

[Variety] 

The trailer for 300 director Zack Snyder’s Watchmen is now online! FINAL UPDATE: You can still watch it over at Empire, or the YouTube version, after the jump.

A complex, multi-layered mystery adventure, Watchmen is set in an alternate 1985 America in which costumed superheroes are part of the fabric of everyday society, and the "Doomsday Clock" – which charts the USA’s tension with the Soviet Union – is permanently set at five minutes to midnight. When one of his former colleagues is murdered, the washed-up but no less determined masked vigilante Rorschach sets out to uncover a plot to kill and discredit all past and present superheroes. As he reconnects with his former crime-fighting legion – a ragtag group of retired superheroes, only one of whom has true powers – Rorschach glimpses a wide-ranging and disturbing conspiracy with links to their shared past and catastrophic consequences for the future. Their mission is to watch over humanity…but who is watching the watchmen?

Everyday people are costumed superheroes, huh?  Sounds good, but do you really think they’ll be able to top Mystery Men?  No Kel Mitchell?  No Janeane Garofolo in tights? I. Just. Don’t. See it.

[via Empire]