A five minute video from 2012 (see: ROLAND EMMERICH MASTURBATES TO CAR WRECKS) made its way around the net last week, and is already infamous for having some of the most ludicrous action ever committed to film.  Now someone has re-cut that same five minutes into an “actors only” version (which lasts a whole 1:26). I like this version because there aren’t any giant collapsing buildings or gasoline trucks being sucked into the earth to detract from John Cusack’s guttural f’ck screams.  I imagine Roland Emmerich-film acting is a lot like porno-film acting, only you don’t get to have sex, and the director has weirder fetishes.  And it’s more embarrassing to tell your family.

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Courtesy of Harry at AICN, here are five minutes of Roland Emmerich’s 2012.  For which Harry’s headline is “5 Bugnuts Insane Wholly Beetledick Wow Minutes!”  Seriously, the guy writes like Japanese ad copy translated into English with Babelfish*.  Do you think he means the wow minutes are wholly beetledick?  Or was he trying to shout “holy beetledick”?  I guess it’s best just to move on.

Anyway, the video.  It… is beyond ludicrous.  It makes Transformers 2 look like a nature documentary.  They drive through LA in a limo while the EVERYTHING COLLAPSES and all of a sudden they’re DRIVING THROUGH A SMASHING BUILDING!  And then suddenly, they’re IN AN AIRPLANE FOR SOME REASON!!  Why are they flying so low to the ground?? SO THEY CAN SEE THE SMASHING!!  And then, and then… JESUS’S ARMS FALL OFF HIS BODY IN BRAZIL!  Why would just his arms fall off?  BECAUSE ASTEROIDS AND MONEY!   God, this looks amazing.  I guarantee you right now, Roland Emmerich is watching tsunami footage and wearing a ball gag while his mistress stomps on his nuts and makes explosion sounds.

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Roland Emmerich (Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow) basically makes a living exploding world landmarks with CGI, so the three new posters for 2012 are about what you’d expect.

Centuries ago, the Mayans left us their calendar, with a clear end date and all that it implies.

“All that it implies” being “we stopped at 2012 because if we’d kept the calendar going and going for all infinity, it would’ve taken a really long time, and really we just needed a place for us to write down Pedro’s Luau party next Thursday.”

Since then, astrologists have discovered it, numerologists have found patterns that predict it, geologists say the earth is overdue for it, and even government scientists cannot deny the cataclysm of epic proportions that awaits the earth in 2012. A prophecy that began with the Mayans has now been well-chronicled, discussed, taken apart and examined. By 2012, we’ll know – we were warned. [/Film]

Yes, we were warned that the world would end in 2012.  And we were supposed to do what, exactly, stop time?  Set our clocks back?  Wear a helmet?  You really didn’t think this through, did you.

[via Yahoo]

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I have to hand it to io9 for their editing work here.  They took the trailer for Roland Emmerich’s 2012 and recut it 70s style to more properly market it for what it is: disaster porn. They manage to rip on the movie while simultaneously making it 10 times more appealing.  In general, Roland Emmerich movies would be a lot better if he was more honest about what he was making and just had some fun with it.  In fact, I think everything he made after Independence Day should’ve been called Welcome Da Earff! 2, Welcome Da Earff! 3, Welcome Da Earff! 4…

[Thanks to Ryan and the rest of the people who sent me this]

In the new trailer for 2012 (the world is ending, just like the Mayans predicted!  With asteroids!  …Uh, or floods!  Wait, no, fire!  Ooh! Ooh! And tidal waves!) director Roland Emmerich blows up:

• The Capitol building
• The Washington Monument
• The Sistine Chapel
• The USS John Kennedy
• The… Lincoln Memorial?
• That big Jesus statue in Brazil (Cristo Redentor?)
• A Winnebago
• The Eiffel Tower?
• An entire train
• Air Force One

I heard Michael Bay and Stephen Sommers watched this together and started making out halfway through.

SOMMERS: Ah wish ah could quit you.
BAY: (*explosion sound*)*

I also enjoy how every “event-sized” movie has to have a building explode onto the camera during the trailer. It’s like CGI bukkake.
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