Hey Luke, how many months behind on your rent are you?

File this one under wowsers. 127 Hours, the story of trapped hiker Aron Ralston later adapted by Slumdog Millionaire’s Danny Boyle and starring artsy-fartsy wonderboy James Franco, was almost a Luke Perry production. Starring Brian Austin Green. I will now post a block quote, to buy some time to clean the brain matter off of walls. Hit me with some unnecessary exclamation points, omg! from Yahoo!

“This movie that was made just recently — Danny Boyle film with James Franco about, the story of Aron Rolston — ’127 Hours’ — I tried to acquire the rights to the story and do it with Brian [Austin] Green,” Luke revealed to Billy Bush and Kit Hoover on Friday’s Access Hollywood Live.

“Brian’s a great actor,” Luke continued of the star, who now appears on “Desperate Housewives.” “I thought he ‘d be great in that part, but Danny Boyle, he got it… Brian’s a great actor and I always wanted to find something to do with him.”

Now, I’m kidding here because I love. The above caption isn’t fair. Luke Perry has maintained a career as a working actor since his heartthrob days on “90210,” which is no small feat given how most teen icons end up. And what Brian Austin Green lacks in a long-term, successful acting career, he more than makes up for in “body parts that have been inside Megan Fox.” So, again, kudos. But I don’t think there’s any doubt that the movie ended up better with Danny Boyle and James Franco attached. (Haha, that is funny because the movie is about Ralston “detaching” his arm, and you are welcome for the explanation.)

Although Brian Austin Green does have Franco matched in one area: the arts. While Franco is becoming a darling in the more avant garde, experimental circles, Green has street cred leaking out his butthole. Exhibit A after the jump.
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It’s impossible not to wonder if James Franco is totally out of his mind.  Who the hell enrolls in four simultaneous graduate programs, two of them for the same thing?  Still, he gets away with it because he’s good looking, a great actor, and seems to have a pretty good sense of humor about himself (and a pretty good writer, from what I’ve heard).  Apparently, the next step in his march towards total eclecticism is becoming a black athlete, because he’s begun talking about himself in the third person.

‘He’s turned his celebrity into a form of performance art,’ Danny Boyle says. ‘While we were shooting [127 Hours], he would sometimes ask me, “What do you want him to do?” I would say, What do you mean? He would say, “What do you want from him in this scene?” You mean your character? “No, no. Franco. What do you want from Franco?” He was talking about himself in the third person. I said, Well, I think he should be more emotional. And he said, “Oh, I can get him to do that.” And then he’d do the scene and he’d be amazing. He turned on this extraordinary performance. He really does hold himself like a tool, to be used by the director for the benefit of the story.’

Oh, I’m sure it was just performance art or something.  Okay, now Telegraph Profile, I’m gonna need something that totally redeems him in my mind.  Go!

There aren’t that many private citizens who, with the help of Gucci sponsorship, exhibit a video installation featuring them wandering around the streets of Paris with a big floppy prosthetic penis strapped to their nose. When Franco exhibited this work, entitled Dicknose in Paris, earlier this year, one of the faculty members at NYU stormed out, muttering, ‘What an asshole… What an asshole.’

Awesome.  Probably the best use of Gucci funds in ten years.  And I think what that guy meant was, “This humorous idea isn’t nearly assholish enough for NYU.”

Winter’s Bone, my favorite film from Sundance (with Hesher a close second), starring the hot and talented Jennifer Lawrence (pictured), cleaned up last night at the Gotham Awards, winning Best Feature and Best Ensemble Performance (though Lawrence lost Breakthrough Performance to Ronald Bronstein of Daddy Longlegs).  Meanwhile, the Independent Spirit Award nominations were announced today, with Winter’s Bone picking up seven nominations, including feature, director, lead, and supporting nods for Dale Dickey and John Hawkes (both deserving). You can see all the nominations after the jump.

It’s already available on Netflix so you can decide for yourself, but I worry that the awards are only going to keep people from seeing it.  It already has that awards bait-y look to it, and this will only confirm people’s suspicions.  But I promise it’s not that kind of movie, at least not in the way that 127 Hours was.   While it is super serious, awesomely acted, and lovingly executed, it’s at least a movie made for the sake of telling a good story, and not, say a vehicle for Danny Boyle to prove what an awesome director Danny Boyle is.  In fact, if Debra Granik ends up winning best director, I’d like nothing more than for her to run on stage, tell Danny Boyle “Now THAT’S how you chop peoples’ arms off,” do that “suck it” thing from WWE, drop the mic, and walk off stage.  That would be mad gangster.

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OPENING WIDE LIKE YOUR MOM THIS WEEKEND:

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1

Yeah, so I tapped out on this whole series about four years ago, since once I’ve seen a guy get it on with a horse* there isn’t much more that I need to see.  But look, here’s another movie.  And it’s in more than one part. Fantastic.  *allegedly in a play

The Next Three Days

Russell Crowe will stop at nothing — not even a buffet — to break his wife out of prison. He does know he can buy cake at the store and doesn’t need her to cook those for him right? Anyway, I know what I won’t be watching in the next three days. *sad trombone*

IN LIMITED RELEASE:

127 Hours

This opened in limited release awhile ago but Vince wanted me to cover it anyway.  You should read his review so I don’t have to explain what it’s about.  The ship sinks, Rosebud is a sled, and he was dead the whole time.  127 hours is probably how long you’ll feel like this movie is lasting, so that’s apt.

Heartless

Jim Sturgess has a weird face, wanders around East London taking photos, sees demons, and makes a deal with the Devil. Also, he’s in some movie opening this weekend.

Made in Dagenham

The true story of a group of women who went on strike in 1968 to demand equal pay.  In other news, pink collar jobs still pay significantly less.  Way to drop the ball, Dagenham ladies.

White Material

And we’re back to your mom.  I like how this post came full circle.

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127 Hours isn’t a great movie and it isn’t a terrible movie.  More than anything else, it leaves me with one question for director Danny Boyle: was the point of this to tell us a story, or to have us marvel at your storytelling ability?  Because I suspect it was the latter.  Those motives can be related, but they’re distinct.  It’s seeking to entertain vs. seeking approval.  For a comedian, it’s the difference between a bit that gets laughs and a bit that gets applause.  127 Hours is not a bad movie, but it’s most definitely an applause movie.

Boyle making a film like 127 Hours is a lot like that time Dave Chappelle did comedy for seven hours straight.  Is it incredible that Dave Chappelle could do stand up for seven straight hours?  Yes.  Could a lesser comedian pull off something like that?  Probably not.  But does that make a seven-hour comedy show a good idea? Fuuuuuu*k no.  There are actually multiple reasons people don’t do seven-hour comedy shows, and the biggest one is that no one wants to watch comedy for seven hours straight. We’ll stick with the 90-minute show, thanks. There comes a point at which you’re not choosing a project because the project is good, but because of how good that project will make you look if you pull it off.  It’s pure d*ck measuring, and that’s what 127 Hours is.

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