(He fills those gloves with Vaseline to keep his hands soft for Big Show)

If watching round-the-clock Michael Jackson coverage and reading the stories about a planned View-Master movie have brought you dangerously close to losing faith in humanity… you probably shouldn’t read the DVD charts.

The top-selling home video release for the week ending July 5 was 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment’s “12 Rounds,” an actioner that was one of the last films from the now-shuttered Fox Atomic division, launched two years ago to produce low-budget theatricals aimed at teens.  The film also managed to snag the No. 1 sales spot with estimated unit sales of fewer than 150,000 discs, according to Home Media Magazine’s market research department.

And yes, 12 Rounds was that movie starring a WWE wrestler that combined a they-kidnapped-John-Cena’s-wife plot with a madman-toys-with-the-police plot.  I think they may have even squeezed some torture porn in there.  Man, if that was number one, what was number two?

“12 Rounds” was followed on the sales chart by HBO’s season five TV DVD set of “Entourage,” which debuted No. 2 and sold nearly 87% as many copies as “12 Rounds,” albeit at a much higher list price. [THR]

Well sure, I can see that.  I saw an HBO first-look at Entourage the other day that said, “The boys are really growing up this season – Turtle has a girlfriend.”   It’s amazing, she likes shoes and hats too!  Oh my gosh, which A-list director should Vince work with next?  Let’s discuss this by the pool!  Haha, now Johnny Drama’s working on his tan.  Classic.

Monsters vs. Aliens earned $58.2 million for the biggest opening weekend of 2009 so far, earning $58 million to Watchmen‘s $55. It’s not surprising that it won, but it’s a little weird that it had to charge more to do so.

While the 2,080 3-D screens accounted for just 28 percent of the roughly 7,300 on which the movie played, they made up 56 percent of its total box-office haul, said Anne Globe, head of marketing for DreamWorks Animation. [AP]

And those 3-D tickets cost three or four dollars more than regular ones.  Overall, the box office was up 40% from the same weekend last year. Even Haunting in Connecticut made $23 million, even after basically taking a dump in the mouth of the English language by advertising it as”based on a true story.”  I can’t imagine getting dragged to that movie let alone actually wanting to see it.  They must’ve advertised a lot during Two and a Half Men or Dancing with the Stars or one of those other shows that 100 million people watch and somehow I’ve never met any of them.  And let’s keep it that way.

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_{Is Forest Whitaker in this?}

Opening this weekend:

• Monsters vs. Aliens: Features Steven Colbert playing the president and a solid cast of voices so I’m sure it won’t be too hard to sit through if the droolshitters need up shutting, but it’s still not Pixar.  And the quicker this 3-D revival trend dies the better.  Why?  I dunno, I’m just a hater, y’all.
• A Haunting in Connecticut: “Based on a true story.”  Yeah?  F yourself.  Also, why Connecticut?  Nothing interesting happens in Connecticut.  Though if I lived there, and I was trying to get a woman to shut up, I think a really good line would be, “Hey, we’re in Connecticut now: the C is silent.”
• 12 Rounds: Renny Harlin directs John Cena in a cross between Taken and Saw.  I suspect I’d need to wear some control-top underwear to keep from prolapsing.  I picture Vinnie Jones and Jason Statham headbutting in the front row.

(Limited Release)

• The Education of Charlie Banks: Hey, isn’t this the movie that guy from Limp Bizkit directed?  *fart noise*
• Mysteries of Pittsburgh: Based on the Michael Chabon book.  Serious question now: has anyone ever actually seen a Sienna Miller movie?

Bottom line: Wait for Adventureland next week.

John Cena has a new movie coming out, and in a shocking turn of events, it’s being made by Fox.  Oh I know, I was as surprised as you are.  This time he plays a cop, which is a real stretch from his last role as a marine in… uh, The Marine.  In the last movie, terrorists kidnapped his wife and he had to get her back.  This time around, he accidentally kills someone else‘s wife, and as payback, the guy then kidnaps his wife and uses her to forces him into some Saw-like predicaments.  Oh, and did I mention the director is Renny F-ing Harlin (Die Hard 2, Deep Blue Sea, etc?

Jesus, can you imagine the pitch meeting?   “…Okay, okay, so it’s like The Marine… meets wrestling… vs. Saw …multiplied by Deep Blue Sea!”  Much cocaine was consumed, friends, I guarantee it.  And then?  Gun fingaz.