FilmDrunk’s official movie critic is back, with his review of 10,000 B.C.  Disappointingly, Sexman seemed to enjoy this one. He says it’s a great date movie.  And that parents can bring their kids because, as he points out, Cavemen hadn’t developed bad language then.  Gotta give the kid credit, even when he has nothing but praise, he still throws down some insightful commentary.

Overall, this review seems much more serious than his last few.  Plus, he’s got a brand new haircut.  Is Sexman trying to go legit on us?  What’s next, Sexman, a suit and tie?  Ya think ya fackin’ betta den’ me!?  Eh. Probably a good strategy. No one wants to grow up to be a movie blogger. 

10,000 B.C. had the number one B.O. this weekend, grossing $35.7 million, which was only slightly lower than most analysts’ estimates.  By comparison, 300 took in $71 million on the same weekend last year.  Advantage: things that don’t suck.

Meanwhile, Semi Pro fell 62% on its second weekend with $5.8 million, and Martin Lawrence’s College Road Trip made $14.5 million.  "That’s so Raven!" said industry analysts.

In any case, none of the movies out right now are remotely interesting, and my time would be better spent planning a tea party with my Bruce Greenwood-inspired RealDoll than discussing any of them.  Sitting near a busy intersection this weekend was obviously more interesting than watching movies.

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Teutonic turd peddler Roland Emmerich (who previously directed Independence Day, Godzilla, and The Day After Tomorrow) has done it again.  His latest movie, 10,000 B.C., according to analysts, is headed for nearly $40 million at the box office (though it’s important to note that the same analysts overestimated Semi Pro by $5-7 million). 

But the best part is the early reviews:

Almost worth sitting through the first half for the revelatory moment when you’re forced to ask yourself: Is nearly the entire cast suddenly being attacked by what look like cracked-out ostriches? Why, yes, yes they are. -E! Online 

I have to give Emmerich credit for creating a film that’s been funnier than ’27 Dresses’ or ‘Over Her Dead Body.’ –eFilmCritic

A tedious bore in which grubby people stand around muttering in a variety of badly chosen accents. –CinemaBlend 

Oh my god: the silly, it burns. It burns! All the “tellings” and the dreadlocks and the too much narration telling us about the tellings and the people with the dreadlocks and the hero who’s The One who’s gonna save the world by being a hero and the… the how it ends. –FlickFilosopher

Hooray for Hollywood – where success comes to those who should be homeless. 

Do you love horrible movies and don’t care who knows it?  Do you obsess over useless marketing swag?  Do you feel that you’re not nearly a big enough object of ridicule? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you should enter the 10,000 B.C. contest over at FirstShowing.  You could be the lucky winner of an EPIC PRIZE PACK! Which includes:

Leather Bag
Wooden Pyramid Puzzle
The Legend T-Shirt
Beanie
Weathered Baseball Cap [No need to go outside!]
Saber Tooth Style Necklace
Photo Postcards in Notebook
Set of five 2" x 3" Lenticular Buttons [Perfect for your fanny pack!]

To enter, just send an email to contests@firstshowing.net in which you answer the following question, “What excites you about 10,000 B.C.?”  And you’d better hope your answer beats “OMG I want that Saber Tooth Necklace so f-ing bad!”  Keep your fingers crossed for second place!

Entries are accepted until March 10th at midnight.  Who will be the big winner??  No one knows!  Who will be the big loser??  Dignity!

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This is the latest trailer for Roland Emmerich’s 10,000 B.C., opening March 7th.  (You can also watch it in HD over at Yahoo). 

To review, Roland Emmerich’s resume as a director now includes Universal Soldier, Stargate, Independence Day, Godzilla, The Patriot, and The Day After Tomorrow.  He’s pretty much the Marion Barry of Hollywood filmmaking – if Marion Barry had killed the hooker he got caught smoking crack with. 

I like how the Sabre-toothed tiger is as big as a semi truck.  If you’re gonna do that, why not just make it a three-headed flying dragon who shoots harpoons from its cock, or a centaur that lactates spiders?  I mean, it’s obvious historical accuracy isn’t a consideration so fuck it, go nuts.