History has not been kind to Star Wars Episode I, mostly because it sucked. But that won’t stop Lucasfilm from re-releasing it in 3D, which they’ve been promoting constantly with an extended trailer on Cartoon Network. Luckily this turd cloud has a silver lining, because the folks at Aggrogate decided to re-record the whole thing as death metal.

I improved it by adding some death metal vocals and a Cannibal Corpse soundtrack. Yes, that’s every line of the trailer re-recorded with a death metal voice. You can tell it’s death metal singing because you can’t understand most of it. That’s how you know it’s working. [Aggrogate]

I have to say, I find the death metal version strangely tolerable. George Lucas should re-release the entire series as a death metal video. He’d probably have to re-title it CORPSE F*CKED BY A ROBOT or something, but changing his work after the fact doesn’t seem to be an issue for him.

You can see the original TV spot below. The sound R2 makes after Jar-Jar Binks electrocutes his face kind of sounds like a wet fart, which seems fitting.

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The trailer for The Bourne Legacy, the fourth movie of the Bourne series with new star Jeremy Renner and new director Tony Gilroy (Michael Clayton, Duplicity), appears below. It’s still called “Bourne,” but Renner plays a new punchy amnesia guy named Aaron Cross (not an unacknowledged actor switcharoo a la Bewitched). If you’re anything like Burnsy, you’re probably super duper excited right now. If you’re like me, you’re probably thinking “More like BORED legacy, am I right?” Seriously though, these movies are like Phil Collins’ keynote address at an oatmeal convention, and they’ve made four of them. I liked the secret-agent-with-amnesia plot better when it was called The Long Kiss Goodnight.

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Limp Bizkit split from their record label last month and Fred Durst been directing films since 2007, last an inspirational drama about a girl quarterback conquering pop warner starring Ice Cube, and next rumored to be a “hillbilly Pulp Fiction” starring Paul Walker. Point being, he belongs to the world of film now, so you can look forward to my breathless coverage of everything he does.

Most recently, the pride of Jacksonville hit karaoke night with Nick Swardson and Cedric Yarbrough from Reno 911! Not even the person in charge of hiring GoDaddy girls could dream up a combination that random.

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I saw Werner Herzog’s 40-second rant about the stupidity of chickens when I saw Into the Abyss, from whence this clip came, but the rant out of context is even better. It’s the perfect illustration of what makes Werner Herzog’s documentaries so entertaining and also so frustrating.

“The enormity of their flat brain, the enormity of zair stupidity, is just overwhelming. You have to do yourself a favor. When you are out in the countryside and you see chicken, try to look a chicken in the eye with great intensity. And the intensity of stupidity that is looking back at you is just amazing. By the way, it is very easy to hypnotize a chicken. They are very prone to hypnosis. And in one or two films, I’ve actually shown that.”

Our old buddy Allan Weisbecker always used to say that comedy is about obsession, and never was that more true than with Werner Herzog, who, if you watch any of his recent documentaries, tends to find a new obsession every five minutes. The stupidity of chickens, an Eskimo welder with funny thumbs, a prison chaplain’s encounter with a squirrel, the inky abyss of a grizzly bear’s eyes (“za cold eendeeference of nature”), have all captivated Werner for minutes at a time. Hearing him expound on the subjects with the intensity of an existentialist philosopher and the fascination of an awed stoner is what makes him such a perfect character. Then there are other times when you kind of want him to finish a thought, but he’s already forgotten about dead languages and moved onto the thickness of seal’s milk. I’m serious, by the way, those were both subjects of extended soliloquoys in Encounters at the End of the World. Actual seals, I mean, not Seal the singer. That would be weird. Though I would pay to see Werner Herzog narrate a documentary about Seal. “Oont za scars on eine skin ist akin to za first glaciers zat carve za valley down za mountain, clearing za path for za horreeble plague of humanity, viss zair hybrid cars, oont cell phones, oont tabloid newspapers, oont zair Schtarbucks fockeenk coffeez. But za poet must never look away. Eez beautiful. By za way, eet eez very easy to heepnotize Seal. I’ff made seex moofies about eet.”

"I haff you right vair I vant you now, leetle friend."

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If there are two things I hate, they’re icy water, and the giant sea monsters that live in it. So watching Andy Hurdman wakeboard through Glacier Island was pretty scary for me. The puffins were still sweet though. |via TheDailyWhat|

MORNING LINKS
I’ll probably get obnoxious about this if I haven’t already, but COME TO MY SHOW FEBRUARY 14TH! (In San Fran). It’s got James Adomian on it, so you’ll be doing it for yourself as much as for me. |EricShow|

Can You Draw CatDog Pooping?’: 13 Fascinating Non-Celebrity Reddit AMAs |UPROXX|

Television Sitcoms’ 10 Best Signature Dance Moves |Warming Glow|

This Week In Posters |Film Drunk|

The Maria Menounos Super Bowl Bikini Bet: A Retrospective |With Leather|

Six GIFs Of Jeremy Lin, The Most Surprisingly Exciting Player In The NBA Right Now |Buzzfeed|

Adult Swim Interview: Kevin Smith is a Dog Person |Adult Swim|

Lindsay Lohan showed off her boobs again. Can we make her do porn already? She’s useless to us otherwise. Let’s get a real judge. |TheSuperficial|

The Casual Slide is the best slip and slide. |Videogum|

You might be surprised to learn that the world’s deadliest blizzard occurred in Iran. |MentalFloss|

12 Famous People You Didn’t Know Were in Movies You’ve Seen |Pajiba|

April stretches the limits of SFW with a hair bra. |GorillaMask|

25 old-timey robots. |HolyTaco|

8 found-footage projects that got it right. |ScreenJunkies|

Girl At Giants Super Bowl Parade Can’t Wait to See Mark Sanchez |Brobible|

Ethan the Dog Goalkeeper stops everything. |TheDailyWhat|

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THIS WEEK IN POSTERS: This week, we’ve got STILL MORE DIAGONAL HORIZON LINES, plus Tim and Eric, C-Tates and J-Hill in 21 J-Strizz, and I try to control the homicidal rage I feel towards those Mirror Mirror clowns for missing the best tagline in the history of taglines. Enjoy!

Even if you hate Tim and Eric, you have to admit that they get the best art work. It’s all in the details, like Tim’s fly being a quarter of the way down and the way his belly hangs over just so. Also, I know some people type it “Tim & Eric,” but the ampersand seems needy to me.

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