Uwe Boll is disappointingly pleasant. His name strikes fear into the hearts of movie fans (and those who’ve watched Blackwoods at 2 a.m.), but when you’re in the same room as the most infamous of infamous directors, talking to him about his new film Assault on Wall Street, the most offensive thing about him is his German accent, and that’s only because all German accents are terrifying.

Where to begin with Boll? Do you start with him often being next to Ed Wood in the list of the worst directors of all-time, except unlike Wood, he doesn’t have a great Tim Burton movie to polish his legacy (yet…?)? Or maybe his string of awful to there-is-no-God-awful video game adaptations, including In the Name of the King (4% on Rotten Tomatoes), BloodRayne (4%), and naturally, BloodRayne 2: Deliverance (unrated; direct to DVD)? Or possibly his suing a film festival for $170 (and Billy Zane for $170,000), or his blogger boxing matches, or Blubberella, or Auschwitz, or the time he called Michael Bay and Eli Roth “f*cking retards”? OK, that last one was pretty great, but otherwise, it’s been a whole lotta nothing from the man whose middle finger picture will be on his tombstone.

So I regret to inform you that Assault isn’t terrible. Unlike most of Boll’s work, it’s meant to inspire. Inspire those who’ve been f*cked over by bankers to get violent revenge, but inspire nonetheless. Assault stars Dominic Purcell (Prison Break) as a blue-collar security guard with an extremely ill wife (Erin Karpluk) whose life is upended when…you get where this is going…and then there’s an absolute bloodbath. The film isn’t subtle in the least and spends too much time drowning in its nihilistic misery, but its anger is genuine; it never feels like Boll’s taking advantage of something terrible for his own personal gain (unlike his previous work). He’s genuinely pissed at what happened and all too happy to talk about it, as he did during our 10-minute interview in New York last month.

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Back in September, Burnsy called Scary Movie 5, which coughs and wheezes and hacks up mucus and slips on a rotten banana peel into theaters today, the “worst thing ever.” He wasn’t exaggerating — Dimension Films isn’t screening the movie for critics because, well, it’s unlikely “…starring Kendra Wilkinson and Audrina Patridge as Christian Grey’s slaves” will win over those who contributed to Scary Movie 4‘s dazzling 37% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Those Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo and President Bush reading a book to schoolchildren jokes were just too smart, I guess.

This Hollywood.com profile of the movie does little to contradict Burnsy’s claim.

“This is the hardest thing to do, to weave together plots from different movies,” he says. “You have to make your best guess. In all these movies, we end up reshooting. You have to put it in front of an audience. What happened in [Scary Movie V] is that we used Paranormal Activity, elements of all of them, and Black Swan, and Planet of the Apes. What we found out was, none of those movies had an actual monster. We didn’t realize that until halfway through. (Via)

The clueless-sounding “he” quoted above is David Zucker, the former genius who, occasionally with his brother Jeff, has given us three of the funniest movies of all-time in Airplane!, The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!, and The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear, as well as the very good Naked Gun 33⅓: The Final Insult and BASEketball. So…what the f*ck happened? [Vince's Note: I'm going to melvin him ruthlessly for not mentioning Top Secret!, one of the greatest films of all time].

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In news that will delight fans of Old Navy commercials and enrage National Lampoon’s Vacation purists, who feel that the series ended perfectly with 1997′s Vegas Vacation, and to do another movie would be like pissing on Randy Quaid’s legacy the way Canada did to…Randy Quaid, Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo are in talks to reprise their roles as Clark and Ellen Griswold in the rebooted Vacation.

The new version of the Griswolds’ Vacation adventures will follow grown-up son Rusty (Helms), who now has his own family misadventures on the road, which includes making a pit stop to see his mom and dad. Though the roles are more on the cameo level, there was concern when it wasn’t clear whether Chase and D’Angelo would return to the franchise they started 30 years ago. After the budget was set and script was given a polish, the producers redoubled their efforts to include them in the reboot. (Via)

If the rumor proves true, Brown Sugar and Chase, a.k.a. Racist Old Man on Community, will join The Office‘s Ed Helms (Rusty) and Up All Night‘s Christina Applegate (Rusty’s wife) in John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein’s NBC Thursday night love-fest. So, by the powers vested in me by the state of Wanting to See Vince Explode, Parks and Recreation‘s Aubrey Plaza will play Audrey #17.

At least they don’t need a new Christie Brinkley.

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My apologies if this is too “inside baseball,” but a movie earning $172,000 in its first weekend of release isn’t — SPOILER — good. If I haven’t already lost you with all that cinematic jargon, let’s talk about inAPPropriate Comedy, a quote-unquote “comedy film” directed by Vince Offer, a.k.a. the ShamWow Guy who got into an “altercation” with a Florida prostitute four years ago, that earned a whooping $625 per theater. By comparison’s sake, Movie 43 is f*cking Avatar. inAPPropriate stars the murderers’ row of talent that is Rob Schneider, Michelle Rodriguez, Adrien Brody (as “Flirty Harry”), and Lindsay Lohan.

Of course it does.

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A new documentary titled American Courtesans is, according to the film’s website, “an intimate portrayal of modern day escorts in America. In our own words we discuss our lives, the events that led us into our profession, and the reasons we stay.” It was accepted into the Miami-based Women’s International Film and Arts Festival, where Burnsy will be delivering the keynote address this weekend, but recently, one of its stars, “Hilary Holiday,” was arrested for doing what she does best: making me look at the Yahoo! Answer page for, “How old do you need to order an escort?”

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